SOME BACK STORY HERE:
I had reposted a picture of some sorts about a daughter not needing to beg her dad for a relationship. And since his wife has deleted me over a small falling out for a couple months ago in May. I can post freely (and right now I think I'd post anyway...) My dad contacted me right before hitting the deer the other night on 9/29/15. I didn't respond right away. He was asking to get together sometime this next week. Which would put us over our quota for the year (only see him 2-3x a year). I was pushed by my good husband who pushed me to spend last Christmas Eve with him (2014), to approach my problems, but still am pretty hesitant/wanting for that relationship. So up til today we were good. He'd texted me early Thursday (9/29/15) and I called him earlier today (10/2/15) I had called my dad earlier, he within 5 minutes told me he had someone at the door and he'd call soon. He didn't. Not after hours. I waited for his call and eventually gave up, disappointed. But at the same time-when he called I answered asap. it was less than 7 minutes. In that time I told him I'd go visit FL during my birthday (to go visit the son he'd rejected - or say rejected his 1st family) I was so fearful to tell him years ago that I'd met him without his knowing. Traveled over 1,000 miles to meet his son and his ex-wife. I was afraid he'd disown me. It wasn't until he was in a depressed state that I felt that was the last chance to tell him the truth. All he was worried about was my safety. That this "brother" of mine wasn't a mass killer. It was good... but at the same time, I knew how similar we all were. This conversation about Florida wasn't too long, except that he knew I wasn't going to Disney World with the kids. Didn't have to tell him anything less or more. He told me to be safe...
He'd be this weekend, Colorado, at a Bronco's game, which his been his grown-up dream. In one sense, it was good sharing.. and not feeling disowning or anything. But at the same time.. Wish he'd be the father I could just talk to. My conversation with my husband lasted 15 minutes. I got enough out, knowing though he's gone more and farther away I'd see him more than I would my dad. I'm saying this more for my own thoughts. That even though I say I don't care if my earthly father isn't here or doesn't pay as much attention to me. He may not call me on my birthdays... My husband is the man I need to put my effort into. And even if not him, my Heavenly Father. My Heavenly Father has restored my marriage with my husband... That ultimately I pray restores the relationship with my father. And though, that's unlikely a man like him will change his ways... Though he's changed a lot in the last 10 years, I cannot depend on the kindness and openness and love the believe in my heart that every daughter deserves. It is not earned



Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.
Albert Camus

Bring the Whole Tithe!

10/16/11
Pastor Tim Lucas



Everything is God's. Our money. Ours.

The paycheck we just recieved... his the Lord's. He intrusts a portion of it to us...

God trusts us with his money. We are his "money manager". It's called stewardship - servent to be in charge of the kingdom (until the king returns)
The steward would return it all back to God.
God is our master, not money

As Americans, we think that the money is all ours.. We get a raise... we spend it.

Duetronomy 8:17-18
The Lord gives us the talent for our work, our schooling, etc. It is a gift from our master.

To control our our appetite, to teach us to Tithe
Proverbs 3:9
Give back the first fruits - 10%
Before anyone else gets any of our money, God wants the first 10%
((this does not include misson $ or extra that needs to go towards disipleship))

Training us, limit our intake. Money is a wonderful servent, a horrible master.
Our stuff has a way to consume us.
Training our heart, through our checkbook.

We give it to the place where we are fed spiritually.
We give to God, we put him first in everything we do.

TITHE our GROSS income, not our net!
Mike makes $900 a week. We give $90.

He lets us keep 90%

He doesn't want our left overs!

It's a way to invite God into our checkbook and finanices. Everytime I have tithed..
Things work out.

God doesn't want our money, he wants our hearts

Tithe is like a religious tax.... NO!
Again, it's where our hearts need to be.

We are so strectched...

Tips: we rate the service...
Dont Tip the church! It's not about ME. It's about giving God our hearts.

If money doesn't control us, our money is ours... then we should freely give our money whether it be 10% or 50%

When life gets hard... can God still trust us with his money.

On our money:
In God We Trust - on our $$ bills!
God Trust You

Two challing words:
Malici 3:8
We rob God in Tithes and Offerings
When we really need him, in the tough times, we cheat him!
Malachi 3:9, we are under a curse
Malachi 3:10 Bring the whole tithe into my house

You don't tithe so taht you can trust God, Tithe so that God can trust you.

Put your faith to the test.
Pay God before you pay Citibank

Malachi 3:10 TEST ME IN THIS... and pour out so much blessing
Bring It ON!
Only place that it says TEST ME in scripture.

He will overflow us with his blessings.

Tithing is a test

What about our debts... What about everything else...
He has everything more than we have.

We have a plan... but is God in it?

This is how the Old Testimate Ends... Then 400 yrs pass and then Jesus comes into the picture.

M & M - Money Manager... Malchi

Bring the whole Tithe!

To save, start with giving

We see so many in need that we want to help but we can't because we have our own struggles as we buy DVDs with the extra $

GOD TRUSTS YOU

do not "not see" the money go out... it's better to be tempted and choose.

The year the Lucas' started tithing, was the year they got out of debt. They also began increasing their giving

It's not me first... it's God first!

I Believe In You {October 20, 2010}

Song: I believe in you
Artist: Tyler HIlton

So it's been a while. And to sum up the last couple months - life's been good. Difficult at times with the stain of two kids under the age of two... but I still wouldn't give it for the world.

Though my pregnancy wasn't all easy with back pain and the emotional rollercoaster of depression, my labor and delievery was amazing! I was laughing through it and asking them if I could just not push because it was the best I'd felt in a long time phycially... But they made me and it wasn't hard at all. And on my husband's 25th birthday (September 7) at 8:33pm my daughter, Zoey Marae, was born. I questioned if it had really happened... She's so amazing

She wants to be held conetantly... Maybe that's just her calling of whats inside her. As women, we need to know we're loved and talked to paid attention to, etc. Maybe that's just what she needs. Lucas didn't. But I still love her and though I get stressed and everything, I work it out and come up with the energy even chasing around Lucas. And Lucas is great too. He may be jealous but he hardly shows it and he still kisses on her when he doesn't think you're looking. If you put her in his lap he pushes her away but if you have your head turned he'll go up to her, hug and kiss her and try to pick her up. Such a loving brother. He does check on her when she's crying and I've just fallen in love with him again with all this. I love both my children.

But there's a part of me that's still missing and the only real reason I'm motivated to write, is watching OTH (s08e06) and then realizing that ProVideo is giving me an oppurtunity to video edit a wedding. I have been just craving to edit something and be creative along with just wanting to work and get out of the house. I used to work all the time then I just stopped to be with my kids but there's still a part of me that wants to work, that wants to serve... Even if it's in a church or editing in my own home. Just something to know that I am accomplishing something. And it just sometimes feels without it, I'm not enough for me. I know Mike likes me staying at home and my mom supports it, but for me, it's just not enough. I don't feel totally whole - and not because I really yern for it... it's something to be praised for. Something to know that I can be good at something else in this world than being a mom or wife or homemaker (and I know I'm not great at those things). Yeah..

And this song, "I believe in you". It's just become this season's soundtrack. I've been having these dreams/and nightmares and this song just really explains how I feel sometimes towards it and it's just sometimes bitter-sweet on the understanding of the songs and the dreams. They are not geared to my family or life right now, but something completely different and not real and as much as I try to shut them out they keep coming back when I least expect it and then I'm just lost because I feel that if I say them outloud I'm crazy or a bad person or something... And it's not like murdering anything or anyone it's just not what's supposed to be... And there's a couple people who know about it... tried to tell them just to see if that would help but it hasn't. But it's okay.

Anyway, life is perfect. Don't like the thought of winter coming up but that's alright. It's life. My husband is at school making a better life for us. He's so amazing and has done a great job helping with Lucas now that's Zoey's here. I love my family!

Cherish {August 21, 2010}

Well, I am cherishing my time with Lucas and with Mike. I know that our lives are going to completely change - again - when Zoey comes into our beautiful family picture! I am sooo excited to meet her, and I'm ready to be finished with being pregnant -- and at the same time, I'm really in no rush considering labor is just scary in the thought it may not be as easy or like it was with Lucas. But I have faith and I know it'll be over before I know it and it will be 100% worth it. So not letting that stress me out. I guess I'm more concerned about Lucas and him getting jelouse or confused with Zoey. But I will remember him and it's hard to even think now that I can love another being as much as I love him. I know we are to love our spouses more than our children - or at least a different way - and I do... but it's still sooo hard to imagine I do! I guess it kinda comes down to that I'm not sure if I want any more kids after this one, because I want a life with my husband at some time... And at this point, by the time our kids get out of high school, we will be in our 40's. Which, is still very young - a lot younger than what my mom was when I graduated - by 8 years!

So, it's just a waiting game. i've been super tired lately - I don't remember being this tired last time at this point in my pregnancy but I do remember having bad back pain and it was just soo hard for me to sleep in the first place. I have just set up bad sleeping habits the last few weeks. I stay up til 4am (it's going on 5am now) and sleep all day (Lucas sleeps til 11am-noon) and then take a nap when he does and who knows even sleep when Mike gets home for a lil while. I either play on the computer or clean or whatever while everyone else is asleep. I like to clean the kitchen at night -- something about waking up to a clean kitchen with all the dishes clean, etc. I also spend time with the puppy. It's usually nice outside and if I wasn't pregnant I might be a lil more gutsy to go take the dog for a walk at this time of night but I'm pregnant and anymore -- you just don't know... So I stay home and play with him.

Mike has had good work hours and gets some drive time money so that helps. We're paying off debt and getting ready for the baby. Both living rooms are painted and so is the dining room. We are slowly getting the bedroom wallpaper off and we might paint the kitchen but I'm not holding my breath. Things are settling in. I wish we spent more time with friends and some family but we just get so comfortable, especially since Mike works so hard. He doesn't have to go to school until after my birthday in November, which seems later than before, but it works!

I'm filming our neighbor's wedding today, just because.. for free... It's not going to have HD cameras or anything like my job at First Kiss, but I bet I can actually give them a better product... But that's my opinion -- and Mike's... and a few others.. anyway..
.
Zoey is very active but I've noticed - not once have I gotten kicked in the ribs! Not like I did with Lucas! She just rolls around in there and sticks her foot out. It's an amazing feeling and I know I'll miss that about pregnancy. I don't mind being pregnant, or the heat... but I've been just about pregnant it seems for two years and I'd like to let go of some responsibilities. But I should be getting to bed... I just edited this last week's video footage because I know today I will be busy with the camera not at home so we'll skip that day and yeah... Just wanted to update quickly.

Two Is Better Than One {August 2, 2010}

So the last half month has been good. Taking my pills on a regular basis, every day, really helps. Sure there's stress - but that's what I want. I just want to feel a little normal without being numb etc, as I believe I've expressed. I still want to feel. It's hard though with a lil boy who's teething. Some days are good, other days I just want to give him up for a day or two hours or five minutes. Mike doesn't always understand unless he's alone with Lucas, and I don't believe he fully understands this is my life, everyday (even when he's here). It's frustrating and hard. Not to mention Lucas is getting soo heavy and I am just expected to do it all. Seriously, I am just about. Mike will do some, but he's slacked off a bit. He was helping me really well for a while and now it's not so much. Shopping is impossible with Lucas, even almost with the two of us. So getting out of the house is just as much of a hassle than staying in. Mike has made comments when I've asked him to take Lucas with him (even upstairs while he plays on the computer), that I stay home and he works all day so I can keep Lucas. I've tried to let him know I am with Lucas ALL the Time... but, no, his freedom is a lot more important - he's made that almost pretty clear to me now... Just makes me wonder how I'm going to manage during the day without Mike's help with a new born and Lucas. I think he'll do fine if he's not teething, etc. but what if he is and how will he respond to the baby and why did we get a puppy? LOL.

I miss working. I did some freelance work for ProVideo - that was different but nice. Beautiful place out in Solon called The Celebration Barn. My last wedding is this weekend here in town.

Tomorrow I turn 36 weeks pregnant. It's hard to believe that my life is going to be flipped around, again. But hopefully the last in a while....

Beauticontrol products have helped my feet and aching body.
I'm taking care of my skin more often, like my face.

I sleep way too late and stay up too late. It's hard to sleep, that's partly why. But it's not cool sleeping til 2pm. Lucas does the same. I think he's growing again, he sleeps tons!

That's really about it. Just stayed inside... Loving life better now more... and just craving for Mike's love and by that I don't mean sex etc. but maybe a little of what we started off as. I love the song "lead me" by Sanctus Real... but yeah. We are getting along better and I communicate better with him and he's not smoked for a month now I think... I'm so proud of him! He's been handling it well and the stress, etc. but "i still feel alone"

Two is better than one.

Used to Like the Way It Hurt {July 15, 2010}

So for most of June, after I got the antidepressants I started doing really good. They were the lowest doseage, but it helped, a lot! I began focusing on my faults and what I needed to work on more than Mike's - and that actually really helped our relationship. I continue to try to do that... It's just a lot harder to keep my mind focused and caring enough to do it. My doctor (she's a smart one...... not) decided she didn't want to refill the pills (even though she claims she did...) so I went a week without them, plus a week of not taking them made me forget daily so that's about another week of not taking them (on a regular basis) so I began to go back down in my hole again. Not as bad as when it had ended... Looking back it was in different phases. I became ruder, then I began not to care, then I began to hate that I didn't and then the depression all kicked in, etc. So, I have noticed that I'm the first two. Mike has mentioned it to me and I had to confess I haven't taken them on a regular basis and I'll do my best to do so, just to give me a couple weeks for them to kick into my system. The doctor asked if I wanted a higher dosage, but I said no because the lowest was doing great, and I don't want to become numb and hide from my problems. The only reason I went on them in the first place because I felt I was becoming unsafe (running red lights, not caring in general) and I have a son and a new life inside me to be responsible. Most still don't know I'm on pills, including my mom, because if she did know she'd hang it over me... When really - it's great that I'm getting myself help this time other than all those other times when I'd either give into the pain (like cutting when i was younger) or drinking... So, I'm trying. Sometimes it doesn't feel enough, but again, I'm at that point where I don't exactly care enough, but I do enough to keep trying. And I think that's what matters.

Mike is on his like 9th day of not smoking! He's been on Chantix and I'm not sure if it's 'helping' him... but for a $150 a month, it better be LOL. It's about the price of smoking, if less, so I don't mind - as long as he isn't doing both. Which, I believe he isn't because I can't smell it on him. And he isn't as stressed, etc. So I hope he's doing well with it. I try not to talk to him about it because when I have or even when I say I'm proud of him, he has asked me to stop and not to say anything. So, I just continue to pray for him. I hope he can be the husband I need and a father Lucas and the lil girl needs, and he's been doing a lot better than before (not that he was bad...). He finally gets to play his PS3 after 7 months! I really don't mind him playing it... I am proud, so it's like a reward in my mind.

Lucas is walking. He can walk from our dining room to the living room front door. Pretty awesome to see how that's all laid out in what seems only like a week. He's getting pretty smart too. He's began to go down the stairs, surprised he doesn't have rug burn on his belly! He can turn the lights on and off (when he can reach them). He knows 'night night' means upstairs. 'Bye-bye' means the front door and he waves and fusses if he sees me leave without him (not because I am leaving... but usually he knows when he's going too (considering if dad isn't around). He says 'pa-pa' for puppy. Still loves his ba-ba's - I don't mind at all. He's just learning sooo fast.. He's almost 15 months!

The pregnancy is going better. My back isn't hurting as much and my pelvis was hurting too there for a while but that was normal - and that doesn't hurt as much now-of-days. I sometimes move things that I shouldn't and that causes pain but that's my own fault. I think I can do it all... Sometimes because I ask Mike to and he forgets over time - after time, after time... So I just do it. I don't mind being pregnant, but I do wish I could have a beer... It's summer, just one. with a lime. LOL. But I will wait :) but I also just don't know if I like who I have become being pregnant. It seems like when I was pregnant with Lucas I was my old self. More cooky, fun, etc. But now it's like I'm serious and maybe that's hormones, I don't know... But I really miss 'me' she's somewhere in there... From my last ultrasound I shouldn't have placenta previa - but the placenta is still low. The baby was breach, but within the last couple days I think she flipped... but every day I question that.. So, again, just going with it. God will deliever this baby.

I've worked almost every Saturday this summer since April, now I actually have a few weekends in a row that I don't... It'll be weird... But I'm really looking forward to starting up my own business because I love my job, I just wish I could do things my way and I know people like my style. It'll be hard and wont happen for a while due to money, etc. but we'll see where it leads us.

That's about it... My mom finally went to work since she's been off because her back hurt from being stupid, again... every year, I'm about to think Rockwell wont let her take vacation because she gets another one after it from something she does on vacation... It's been like 2 months of her not working... So she is trying to get to work in CR, which is good. Haven't seen dad too much, but that's normal. Haven't been with friends a lot, but again, been busy with weekends and stuff. Our air went out a bit, but now is back on and I'm loving it these last two days, yesterday was like 95 degrees!

All The Right Moves {June 5, 2010}

So, proud of myself, I got some help. I'm on Prozac to help with my craziness. It's been helping a bit more. Waking up better. Better attitude. More alert. Not driving through stop lights (which is good because in CR, it's photo enforced now). Just, doing better, slowly. I still have my days. I'm learning to communicate frustration or disappointment with Mike better, though I know I have my flaws too. I guess I have to admit that I know he sees them and will sometime pin me for it... but that's just being paranoid. I really don't know where him and I stand right now... it's not good, not bad... it just is... but maybe that's just a season we're going through. I wish he'd pay more attention to Lucas instead of playing video games. There's been some mornings he hasn't complained about getting up with Lucas but little comments like "Deserae will you change Lucas' diaper because you're here." I told him as Lucas' father, he should just do it... and he again said... "but you're here now." It's like... really? He wasn't even joking because he put it off for 15-20 minutes. Just makes me angry. But he's also been saying he appreciates things I do more, etc. So, there are good days and bad days. Some days I feel loved, other days I feel taken for granted.

Lucas is begining to walk and he is on a roll! I'm glad Mike's been able to witness Lucas learning. Some working dads, and mom, don't get to. Again, we are blessed. Lucas has been getting hot in the house, so sometimes we have to put on the A/C, otherwise he throws fits (because he doesn't know what's going on, etc.). He still takes warm milk better than cold (used to formula being warm water), but will take it cold most the time. He eats anything you'll give him. Learns from the dog (like putting paper in his mouth... or eating dog food). He's learning so much... so fast... it's quiet amazing! We cut his hair and all I could think about is "omg, my brother has come back from the dead" it's crazy, but now that I'm getting used to it, I know Lucas is still MY son, not my brother, not my mother's son, and I love him, so much! He is still, such an amazing lil boy! Who is now 32 inches long and 26lbs!

The baby girl in my belly is kickin' away as I write this. She's been very active lately. I have missed this feeling. It's still weird thinking I'll have a girl... I just had thought 2 boys, then a girl. But we came up for a name for her and it's becoming realer, although we're not sharing with family/friends.

Work is great, I love my job as a videographer. Sometimes it's stressful, but most days it's great days. Got my old friend Jasmine a job working for First Kiss. So maybe we'll become closer again, and I can let all the hurt go, etc.

I am eating skittles. yumm..

Back/legs/butt still hurts a lot from this pregnancy. Not to mention I fell yesterday on the street and scrapped up my knee and hurt my other foot. It was hard moving around at the wedding today.

That's about it... hormones are still here... I'm not liking who I've become lately... I'm meaner to people, without knowing it... so.. really need to work on that and what I say. At least I'm to a point where i can start listening to sermons again, etc. praying... some days don't want to do it but always feels better afterwards.

Love my boys and my lil girl in me!

My Heart Still Beats for You {May 10, 2010}

Current Music: My Heart Still Beats -Anna Ternheim

So the last couple weeks I'm just realizing that I'm in this depression that I've tried not to confirm to myself, to others, etc. I think I'm so afraid to admit it because I'd have my mom either saying "you have a good life, why are you sad" or her giving me advice like today when I told her I woke up at noon she said "just get up and take Lucas for a walk." That just bugs me, because she says it in a tone, etc. And then she just randomly asks me during the evening "well are you sad or depressed or mad or are you just pregnant? Are you going to be okay? Can I do anything." and that's where I just give her the best answer - I'll be okay... Because even if I'm not depressed, she will either help my rage or make it her own, or something. It's just better to lie to her - but at least I'm coming to terms with it myself.

I've tried and tried to tell Mike over the weeks that things in life, minus Lucas, is just not mattering to me. I don't care about things I should. I snapped at my boss - something soo unlike me. I run lights (thankfully without Lucas so far!), I just go into this daze. I sleep for 10-14 hours a night - more if I take a nap during the day when Lucas takes a nap. My desire to be around friends, or even Mike, is just dwendling away. I took myself off of facebook so I wouldn't cause problems, but at the same time, I am distancing myself from everyone. It's hard to face everyone. I am just not myself.

Lucas is about the only reason I get up. And I love him so much, he's so happy and even when he's not I just love him up. I miss him when he sleeps but then I wish he'd take his nap on time because then I can nap (and not do housework - I push that to the last hour before Mike gets home - in which this week he's in des moines and I'm just not motivated at all) so then I feel guilty because I wanna be with Lucas and wish he'd sleep with me but him and I both sleep better in our own beds.

Mike has made me wonder why he even married me because of his feelings towards me. I thought he was over my past and how I was to him and what I did and with who, etc. but he's not. He thinks about it on a regular basis which is what I was afraid of all along but he once told me not to worry about that that he'd forgiven me. Everything he said that night was true... but what probably hurt the worse is him saying this sentence: "I just recall you saying 'I'll be the girl you need me to be' and you aren't." I had listened to Whatever it Takes by Lifehouse and was determined not to be that girl who hurt him and that was just a slap in the face - made me feel like I hadn't changed that I wasn't good enough. That night I made sure not to put him down because I do that enough - and with all he said -- I was just too sad to come up with anything. A simple uncomfortable moment just turned into a disaster night for me. I thought the sex issue was bad... at one time I wasn't giving him enough and now that I'm trying and I'd say almost succeeding - that's not good enough either. Not to mention I'm pregnant... but I guess that doesn't matter -- just another thing - that I shouldn't care about or put into the equalization. He uses comments like "if anything I should get the new ipod and you get your old one back --- oh just kidding" because it's the sexual frustration being taken out on me, past and new. That morning he didn't give me a chance to kiss him in the morning, he left with a quick kiss on the neck. But later came home and came directly to me and hugged me and said "I missed you." - He never does that. ever.

Mother's day was another disaster - my first and I'm almost afraid to even tell anyone or to write it to myself or anything because it makes it realer than the feelings I felt that day. I've felt lately that I'm taken for granted and just like any other day Mike doesn't set his alarm for church or time to get up for mother's day lunch with his parents/grandparents. So I get up at 10am, try to get him up. I try again at 10:15 and 10:30 then I realize he's not going to get up and he doesn't care because he looked at the clock and it doesn't matter.. Not to mention he told me more than three times that he'd go get Lucas out of bed. So I decided I wasn't going - it wasn't my mom and obviously he didn't care. So I played with Lucas until 10:45 and then I yelled at him from downstairs --- that woke him up... And he comes downstairs and he's like "is that what you're wearing" and I'm like... "oh, I'm sorry.. what day is it..? were we supposed to go somewhere" So that was the beginning of that. And he began to get Lucas ready and I didn't help and he begins to yell at me as I just sit and then he says something about how I don't care anymore and all I want to say is "you're right" so I run upstairs and then I realize he's taking Lucas and it's mother's day he can go alone and then I run out after him, he wont give me Lucas and he says he doesn't care if it's mothers day and I just freak out and say fuck you - i can't remember the last time I told him that. go inside. scream. would have broke something if we weren't married and would have dealt with those consquences... go up to Lucas' room and just cry and begin to go numb and about 10 minutes later he comes back and says he doesn't want my first mothers day to be like that... well... it already was... and I wanted to just say it again, fuck you, just get away... but. I just was thankful Lucas was there with me. He's really all I feel I got left. I agree to go out to eat - just for Mike's family - they were expecting us and I hate to let them down truly. but in my mind all I could think of was that Mike just came back because his dad and grandparents would have been mad to see him bring Lucas and have taken him away from me on mothers day and would have gotten crap from them. I don't think his motives were all because of me.. or for us... or Lucas - but for himself.

So we come home and Lucas is napping and Mike's doing something... and I just start to fall asleep and he gets his stuff ready for Des Moines. I get up a half hour after that and my boss had called and grabbed her stuff but stuff was misplaced and I knew about it so she started complaining about another co-worker just because she was frustrated with him and I just kinda blew up on her and said it wasn't my problem etc. and then made her irritated at me and I didn't care. so my mom comes over - 2 hours late - because she'd been drinking the night before. Then she found out Mike was leaving within 30 minutes and said she had steaks in her car (that was at the bar) and was going to leave to - when we had plans to hang out all night and watch movies etc. and I said fine... whatever... so everyone left, by then Lucas was due for another nap and I forgot to lock the door downatairs and the neighbors came over and talked and invited me over for dinner... which was good company and turned out a better night - turns out I didn't get to eat but whatever.

So... that may have just been another day in the life of my long life... but had Mike not came back and the thoughts running through my head... I don't know... My mind is so crazy and he knows it and yet he says "i'm here for you" and ultimately I know he is... but then if I go crazy and one day we ever split up then he'd use it against me... my mother taught me to think like that but it's true. when Mike gets desperate... he'd do it and use it against me, even if I were better. And not saying we're going to split up but you think about it and who wants to be taken for granted, even on mothers day, and have their kid taken away from them...? It's not like I was even because he made me get up for Lucas - being a stay at home mom I just get used to it... but I thought maybe that day would be nice somehow - with my mom or husband... but no. the neighbors made my day - and of course, Lucas. I love him soo much... and it seriously only feels like I've got him. I know it's not true... but... there's really not much to say after that.

Thinking Out Loud {April 21, 2010}

Music: Thinking Out Loud by Lesley Roy

Things are still getting better. Communication hasn't been such of a problem and even when it is, I truly try to either shrug it off or communicate that I need more to not feel a certain bad way. Though when I do this either something may get changed, I might get a shrug, or not even get a response. This is frustrating - sometimes even when I get things I want.

I'm trying to be a better wife, more understanding, more less demanding, not overly emotional (which is hard when you're pregnant), just all these things that I didn't realize before that I did or even some of the things I knew I did but didn't care enough to change... I try to give him what he needs. His space, his time to himself after a hard days of work, to not ask too much of him, sex and respect.

But when it comes to me... Like, I know that even if I give him what he needs as a man, that doesn't mean I get what I need in return. And lets face it... Between the time you meet and the time you get married to the time where you die - you change. Whether it's parts about yourself or even sometimes your beliefs or needs or wants... You change. I've accepted this, or tried to, about things with Mike and I've certainly seen changes in him and had to adapt to them. But when it comes to me - sometimes it's like all he looks at is what I wanted in the past or what I'd settle for. Doesn't go too far past the expectation line (in which I've lowered just to stop being so disappointed). But what about my needs... And even the embarrassment to express that they've changed - even after all we've been through. I think I ask too much when I tell him that I need to be communicated with in different ways or that I like different things than I had before. I know he knows i've changed - he just doesn't apply it to his part. This is soo frustrating to tell him that he needs to listen to me closely because time and time again I do tell him but he forgets the next time and it's just useless it feels sometimes. Like if I'm not worth quitting smoking for, then why listen, why do simple things I ask..?

These are just thoughts thought out loud - I don't freak out on him anymore - or at least not as much. I'm just letting go of soo much and sometimes it just breaks my heart. But to be honest - it's hurting less and less because I'm becoming so used to feeling this way... It's like, we went to that marriage conference, but did he hear anything from it? The stuff that applied to our problems... is he trying to fix that? I am, my problem had been and even is still sometimes sex. After Lucas - I didn't / don't want to be touched but I know for us to work better we need to be close but is it too much to ask for extra things that might help that transition go better for me... When I get denied that - just because he's 'uncomfortable with talking at the time' - it's an automatic turn off in which if I do just stop all things that have been progressed right then and there he gets mad but if I go through with it I'm not actually there and I feel like crap. I'd be fooling myself if I said he didn't feel something was "off" during all that... At least... I hope I'm fooling myself when I say that. I cannot be the only woman who feels like this. Or mom, or wife... I know it and I know we can get past it if we work at it together it's just a factor of getting him to work with me. But if he doesn't... I can just see myself slipping away - not out of his arms or in anyone elses but surely not in his arms. I thought long and hard about marriage and still have no desire or thought of divorce - I'm in it for the long haul... I'm just simply admiting to myself some days that he can't make me happy and so I just gotta make myself happy. Only problem with that - I know where that road leads and it's not a happy one or one that I want my marriage to go down.

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On another note. Lucas is learning soo much. He's kinda given up on the whole walking thing - there for a while he'd try to stand on his own, etc. but now he just either stands on his own or moves across things but I don't see him walking until maybe 1 year or older. He is a fanastic eater, a clean one at that, most the time. He's a cuddler - I love it when he's tired. Him and I sing in the car, more so me when hes upset to calm him down. He likes to get our attention when we're watching tv - and will do something he's not supposed to to get our attention. Usually works. He knows the word "look" and responds to it - love it. Still loves his cherrios.

The pregnancy is still going good. Feeling the baby move a lot more and a few days ago Mike was able to actually feel my belly move. He hasn't taken too much interest in me or the pregnancy, so him saying that he actually felt it and it was cool - meant a lot to me. We notice things like that... When something should happen and it doesn't... Anyway. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday - I'm not sure what for exactly but maybe she'll say the doctor wants another ultrasound later in the preganncy to check on the low placenta. Hopefully! I want another look at my baby (for gender and heck, it's cool just seein' it anyway).

Well. There are my thoughts. A bit out loud.

It's Been A While... {April 12, 2010}

So Easter weekend was just yet another weekend that was a strain on our marriage. It had been the 3rd weekend in a row that we just didn't get along and upset at each other - just about the whole time. It gets old and it's discouraging and just hard to give and give when you're not getting anything back. But Easter itself was good. Had it here at our home and it was a good good meal (leftovers were delicious!) and the company was good too.

Mike had to leave for Des Moines on Easter evening and so that was a bummer - but honestly I didn't feel as if I'd miss him as much as usual when he goes away for the week. I just needed a break, in my own home, with my son. I made a joke about "well who am I going to fight with all week..." but - that's the point... No one. My mom came over and she annoyed me one day - but that's her and I expect that - haha. But I didn't start problems with Mike while he was at school or whatever... Didn't expect an email.. it's just like.. I quit expecting things. I've just given up in some areas and that hurts -- but at the same time, it prevented hurt. Sometimes I feel I just need to let go of some things and just live life how I want to and just stay out of his. Even the smallest letdown - like him calling me right after class and starting a small, conversation and here I thought, "oh, he's just calling out of the blue -- he never does this - this is nice." but later to find out he wanted something for me to do for him. That hurt. But I let it go.

So he comes back home and the weekend went well. Hardly saw each other - but it went well. Friday he got home and we got along, then I had to head off right away to Iowa City for a rehearsal dinner for the videographing job I just started. Got home, watched some TV, went to bed. Saturday, woke up early, got ready for the wedding in Iowa City, which was a nice first experience, and got home by 9:30 pm just to relax and go to bed. Mike took Lucas to the park that day - I love hearing him do things like that with Lucas - and not just sitting around home playing video games (which is what I usually expect when I'm working and he's watching Lucas). Then Sunday I made plans to hang out with my mom since the day before I worked so she let me sleep in, Mike got up nicely and then began to start mowing the lawn. AMAZED! Mom decided to take Lucas and I up to Iowa City/Tiffin for her birthday and that was a great day spent with her, later meeting up with some of her friends at a park - that wasn't bad. So we came home and Mike then later got home and after Lucas' nap - we went for an evening walk around our neighborhood that lasted about an hour. was maybe the best day I've had in a really long time that not only included Mike in some of it, but my mom and Lucas. That stroll at night just kinda ended it perfect and we went to bed happy.

Monday has gone by okay. Mike spent most of the evening trying to find the Netflix BluRay that we've turned over the house looking for. We've looked everywhere. Where it shouldn't be.. where it should.. my car, etc. So he claimed it lost in the mail because I remember getting it ready to be mailed but me being me... I probably mailed it and forgot but then that means they lost it.. but I would rather say I lost it but yeah. We expected to pay for it, but... I guess we don't have to now. We'll return it if we find it but doubt it. And I got up in the attic and Mike handed me broken moving boxes up their to get more room downstairs and so that was nice I couldn't have done it without him. And he finally called US Cellular to fix our service and save us money after three months of asking him.

So all in all... Mike is like slowly changing and I'm trying not to be mad and communicating with him, etc. But as he's doing these simple little things I have to keep in mind that usually when he does start doing better - and I don't mean to sound like a bitch - but usually shortly after he starts just letting me down and I feel like crap because I started trusting him in that sense... and so... I can't let this get to me. I like not expecting anything, because then it feels like it's so much more... but at the same time it's like... he should be doing this anyway and it shouldn't be a big deal. I don't know. Maybe I'm just truly a woman and just can't make up my mind. I don't know. Sometimes... I just feel crazy.

I was disappointed on not being able to find out the sex of the baby. I went in just thinking "this is it, we'll know" and walking out almost cursing at the baby for crossing their legs LOL. well not really... but ya know. But she did say that my placenta is very low and unless it rises it could be candidate for a C-section. So, depending what the doctor wants to know later - I may get another ultrasound, etc. But it was neat seein' the baby for the 1st time. Such an amazing thing this life is.

Well.. that's it.