So for most of June, after I got the antidepressants I started doing really good. They were the lowest doseage, but it helped, a lot! I began focusing on my faults and what I needed to work on more than Mike's - and that actually really helped our relationship. I continue to try to do that... It's just a lot harder to keep my mind focused and caring enough to do it. My doctor (she's a smart one...... not) decided she didn't want to refill the pills (even though she claims she did...) so I went a week without them, plus a week of not taking them made me forget daily so that's about another week of not taking them (on a regular basis) so I began to go back down in my hole again. Not as bad as when it had ended... Looking back it was in different phases. I became ruder, then I began not to care, then I began to hate that I didn't and then the depression all kicked in, etc. So, I have noticed that I'm the first two. Mike has mentioned it to me and I had to confess I haven't taken them on a regular basis and I'll do my best to do so, just to give me a couple weeks for them to kick into my system. The doctor asked if I wanted a higher dosage, but I said no because the lowest was doing great, and I don't want to become numb and hide from my problems. The only reason I went on them in the first place because I felt I was becoming unsafe (running red lights, not caring in general) and I have a son and a new life inside me to be responsible. Most still don't know I'm on pills, including my mom, because if she did know she'd hang it over me... When really - it's great that I'm getting myself help this time other than all those other times when I'd either give into the pain (like cutting when i was younger) or drinking... So, I'm trying. Sometimes it doesn't feel enough, but again, I'm at that point where I don't exactly care enough, but I do enough to keep trying. And I think that's what matters.
Mike is on his like 9th day of not smoking! He's been on Chantix and I'm not sure if it's 'helping' him... but for a $150 a month, it better be LOL. It's about the price of smoking, if less, so I don't mind - as long as he isn't doing both. Which, I believe he isn't because I can't smell it on him. And he isn't as stressed, etc. So I hope he's doing well with it. I try not to talk to him about it because when I have or even when I say I'm proud of him, he has asked me to stop and not to say anything. So, I just continue to pray for him. I hope he can be the husband I need and a father Lucas and the lil girl needs, and he's been doing a lot better than before (not that he was bad...). He finally gets to play his PS3 after 7 months! I really don't mind him playing it... I am proud, so it's like a reward in my mind.
Lucas is walking. He can walk from our dining room to the living room front door. Pretty awesome to see how that's all laid out in what seems only like a week. He's getting pretty smart too. He's began to go down the stairs, surprised he doesn't have rug burn on his belly! He can turn the lights on and off (when he can reach them). He knows 'night night' means upstairs. 'Bye-bye' means the front door and he waves and fusses if he sees me leave without him (not because I am leaving... but usually he knows when he's going too (considering if dad isn't around). He says 'pa-pa' for puppy. Still loves his ba-ba's - I don't mind at all. He's just learning sooo fast.. He's almost 15 months!
The pregnancy is going better. My back isn't hurting as much and my pelvis was hurting too there for a while but that was normal - and that doesn't hurt as much now-of-days. I sometimes move things that I shouldn't and that causes pain but that's my own fault. I think I can do it all... Sometimes because I ask Mike to and he forgets over time - after time, after time... So I just do it. I don't mind being pregnant, but I do wish I could have a beer... It's summer, just one. with a lime. LOL. But I will wait :) but I also just don't know if I like who I have become being pregnant. It seems like when I was pregnant with Lucas I was my old self. More cooky, fun, etc. But now it's like I'm serious and maybe that's hormones, I don't know... But I really miss 'me' she's somewhere in there... From my last ultrasound I shouldn't have placenta previa - but the placenta is still low. The baby was breach, but within the last couple days I think she flipped... but every day I question that.. So, again, just going with it. God will deliever this baby.
I've worked almost every Saturday this summer since April, now I actually have a few weekends in a row that I don't... It'll be weird... But I'm really looking forward to starting up my own business because I love my job, I just wish I could do things my way and I know people like my style. It'll be hard and wont happen for a while due to money, etc. but we'll see where it leads us.
That's about it... My mom finally went to work since she's been off because her back hurt from being stupid, again... every year, I'm about to think Rockwell wont let her take vacation because she gets another one after it from something she does on vacation... It's been like 2 months of her not working... So she is trying to get to work in CR, which is good. Haven't seen dad too much, but that's normal. Haven't been with friends a lot, but again, been busy with weekends and stuff. Our air went out a bit, but now is back on and I'm loving it these last two days, yesterday was like 95 degrees!
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