Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Annie -Safetysuit
I meant to write more often than I have. I've been busy with moving into our house. Though when I say busy I mean distracted by Lucas most the time, sleeping or just not with it. Mike made me aware (not really, I knew it already and didn't even mind that he was getting upset), that I've been super slacking off. I haven't felt motivated to do anything, except for maybe stuff with Lucas - okay, mostly everything to do with him. I don't know what exactly my problem is but I know it's within me, and not caused by others. Trust me, I'd rather put the blame on others about this one, but the truth is hard and the truth is it's totally me.
All my life I've been told I'm pretty, a nice mature, hard working girl. Most people can't believe I'm 21 because the way I act. Knowing all this and having felt confident most my life - lately I've just not been hearing any of the praise coming from my husband or family. I hear most negative... some way to tear myself down and I keep it to myself and build it up inside. I've been the happiest I've been for a good 6 months straight but that's because of the circumstances and joys in my life. Other changes within my body and my activities tell me otherwise. I'm making myself most mother/some wife/no me. Mike has never seen this kind of low with me. I'm insecure, very negative (about myself), passive, etc. and I just can't seem to shake the feeling. I have my good days and my bad days.
So Thanksgiving I didn't feel that I was being appreciated by trying to appreciate Mike... It happens a lot but this day, was more for him than it was me - I'm used to having a small get together with family... Not travel to see most of your family... It's something that I'm willing to do, and later I have fun and enjoy it, but it's something that'll take getting used to. So I got into a little fit, but most of all, I just wanted an apology and he didn't give me one til we were on our way there. Before we left I grabbed my Ipod. I knew Lucas would be good and I just needed some time to get away.
Wow, I really did need to escape to music land. It really helped and that's one thing that I've quit doing since I've had Lucas. Listening to music, whether it be in the car or headphones. I could always make a better (or worse) day by my choice in music. I've really missed relating to my music and just jamming out in my own mind not caring about a thing except my own thoughts and the scenery. One particular album I listened to was from Safetysuit and loved the song Annie.
Thanksgiving day ended up being a great day because of that music time by myself. Lucas ended up getting sick, but it was really nice finally feeling part of a big family (my mom and Carl included). It's been a very long time.
I just am beginning to really realize how much I need time to myself, even if it is putting on headsets or going out without husband or baby. It can change my mood soo much! That and prayer - alone and with Mike.
Current Music: Annie -Safetysuit
I meant to write more often than I have. I've been busy with moving into our house. Though when I say busy I mean distracted by Lucas most the time, sleeping or just not with it. Mike made me aware (not really, I knew it already and didn't even mind that he was getting upset), that I've been super slacking off. I haven't felt motivated to do anything, except for maybe stuff with Lucas - okay, mostly everything to do with him. I don't know what exactly my problem is but I know it's within me, and not caused by others. Trust me, I'd rather put the blame on others about this one, but the truth is hard and the truth is it's totally me.
All my life I've been told I'm pretty, a nice mature, hard working girl. Most people can't believe I'm 21 because the way I act. Knowing all this and having felt confident most my life - lately I've just not been hearing any of the praise coming from my husband or family. I hear most negative... some way to tear myself down and I keep it to myself and build it up inside. I've been the happiest I've been for a good 6 months straight but that's because of the circumstances and joys in my life. Other changes within my body and my activities tell me otherwise. I'm making myself most mother/some wife/no me. Mike has never seen this kind of low with me. I'm insecure, very negative (about myself), passive, etc. and I just can't seem to shake the feeling. I have my good days and my bad days.
So Thanksgiving I didn't feel that I was being appreciated by trying to appreciate Mike... It happens a lot but this day, was more for him than it was me - I'm used to having a small get together with family... Not travel to see most of your family... It's something that I'm willing to do, and later I have fun and enjoy it, but it's something that'll take getting used to. So I got into a little fit, but most of all, I just wanted an apology and he didn't give me one til we were on our way there. Before we left I grabbed my Ipod. I knew Lucas would be good and I just needed some time to get away.
Wow, I really did need to escape to music land. It really helped and that's one thing that I've quit doing since I've had Lucas. Listening to music, whether it be in the car or headphones. I could always make a better (or worse) day by my choice in music. I've really missed relating to my music and just jamming out in my own mind not caring about a thing except my own thoughts and the scenery. One particular album I listened to was from Safetysuit and loved the song Annie.
Thanksgiving day ended up being a great day because of that music time by myself. Lucas ended up getting sick, but it was really nice finally feeling part of a big family (my mom and Carl included). It's been a very long time.
I just am beginning to really realize how much I need time to myself, even if it is putting on headsets or going out without husband or baby. It can change my mood soo much! That and prayer - alone and with Mike.
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