SOME BACK STORY HERE:
I had reposted a picture of some sorts about a daughter not needing to beg her dad for a relationship. And since his wife has deleted me over a small falling out for a couple months ago in May. I can post freely (and right now I think I'd post anyway...) My dad contacted me right before hitting the deer the other night on 9/29/15. I didn't respond right away. He was asking to get together sometime this next week. Which would put us over our quota for the year (only see him 2-3x a year). I was pushed by my good husband who pushed me to spend last Christmas Eve with him (2014), to approach my problems, but still am pretty hesitant/wanting for that relationship. So up til today we were good. He'd texted me early Thursday (9/29/15) and I called him earlier today (10/2/15) I had called my dad earlier, he within 5 minutes told me he had someone at the door and he'd call soon. He didn't. Not after hours. I waited for his call and eventually gave up, disappointed. But at the same time-when he called I answered asap. it was less than 7 minutes. In that time I told him I'd go visit FL during my birthday (to go visit the son he'd rejected - or say rejected his 1st family) I was so fearful to tell him years ago that I'd met him without his knowing. Traveled over 1,000 miles to meet his son and his ex-wife. I was afraid he'd disown me. It wasn't until he was in a depressed state that I felt that was the last chance to tell him the truth. All he was worried about was my safety. That this "brother" of mine wasn't a mass killer. It was good... but at the same time, I knew how similar we all were. This conversation about Florida wasn't too long, except that he knew I wasn't going to Disney World with the kids. Didn't have to tell him anything less or more. He told me to be safe...
He'd be this weekend, Colorado, at a Bronco's game, which his been his grown-up dream. In one sense, it was good sharing.. and not feeling disowning or anything. But at the same time.. Wish he'd be the father I could just talk to. My conversation with my husband lasted 15 minutes. I got enough out, knowing though he's gone more and farther away I'd see him more than I would my dad. I'm saying this more for my own thoughts. That even though I say I don't care if my earthly father isn't here or doesn't pay as much attention to me. He may not call me on my birthdays... My husband is the man I need to put my effort into. And even if not him, my Heavenly Father. My Heavenly Father has restored my marriage with my husband... That ultimately I pray restores the relationship with my father. And though, that's unlikely a man like him will change his ways... Though he's changed a lot in the last 10 years, I cannot depend on the kindness and openness and love the believe in my heart that every daughter deserves. It is not earned



Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.
Albert Camus

Bring the Whole Tithe!

10/16/11
Pastor Tim Lucas



Everything is God's. Our money. Ours.

The paycheck we just recieved... his the Lord's. He intrusts a portion of it to us...

God trusts us with his money. We are his "money manager". It's called stewardship - servent to be in charge of the kingdom (until the king returns)
The steward would return it all back to God.
God is our master, not money

As Americans, we think that the money is all ours.. We get a raise... we spend it.

Duetronomy 8:17-18
The Lord gives us the talent for our work, our schooling, etc. It is a gift from our master.

To control our our appetite, to teach us to Tithe
Proverbs 3:9
Give back the first fruits - 10%
Before anyone else gets any of our money, God wants the first 10%
((this does not include misson $ or extra that needs to go towards disipleship))

Training us, limit our intake. Money is a wonderful servent, a horrible master.
Our stuff has a way to consume us.
Training our heart, through our checkbook.

We give it to the place where we are fed spiritually.
We give to God, we put him first in everything we do.

TITHE our GROSS income, not our net!
Mike makes $900 a week. We give $90.

He lets us keep 90%

He doesn't want our left overs!

It's a way to invite God into our checkbook and finanices. Everytime I have tithed..
Things work out.

God doesn't want our money, he wants our hearts

Tithe is like a religious tax.... NO!
Again, it's where our hearts need to be.

We are so strectched...

Tips: we rate the service...
Dont Tip the church! It's not about ME. It's about giving God our hearts.

If money doesn't control us, our money is ours... then we should freely give our money whether it be 10% or 50%

When life gets hard... can God still trust us with his money.

On our money:
In God We Trust - on our $$ bills!
God Trust You

Two challing words:
Malici 3:8
We rob God in Tithes and Offerings
When we really need him, in the tough times, we cheat him!
Malachi 3:9, we are under a curse
Malachi 3:10 Bring the whole tithe into my house

You don't tithe so taht you can trust God, Tithe so that God can trust you.

Put your faith to the test.
Pay God before you pay Citibank

Malachi 3:10 TEST ME IN THIS... and pour out so much blessing
Bring It ON!
Only place that it says TEST ME in scripture.

He will overflow us with his blessings.

Tithing is a test

What about our debts... What about everything else...
He has everything more than we have.

We have a plan... but is God in it?

This is how the Old Testimate Ends... Then 400 yrs pass and then Jesus comes into the picture.

M & M - Money Manager... Malchi

Bring the whole Tithe!

To save, start with giving

We see so many in need that we want to help but we can't because we have our own struggles as we buy DVDs with the extra $

GOD TRUSTS YOU

do not "not see" the money go out... it's better to be tempted and choose.

The year the Lucas' started tithing, was the year they got out of debt. They also began increasing their giving

It's not me first... it's God first!

I Believe In You {October 20, 2010}

Song: I believe in you
Artist: Tyler HIlton

So it's been a while. And to sum up the last couple months - life's been good. Difficult at times with the stain of two kids under the age of two... but I still wouldn't give it for the world.

Though my pregnancy wasn't all easy with back pain and the emotional rollercoaster of depression, my labor and delievery was amazing! I was laughing through it and asking them if I could just not push because it was the best I'd felt in a long time phycially... But they made me and it wasn't hard at all. And on my husband's 25th birthday (September 7) at 8:33pm my daughter, Zoey Marae, was born. I questioned if it had really happened... She's so amazing

She wants to be held conetantly... Maybe that's just her calling of whats inside her. As women, we need to know we're loved and talked to paid attention to, etc. Maybe that's just what she needs. Lucas didn't. But I still love her and though I get stressed and everything, I work it out and come up with the energy even chasing around Lucas. And Lucas is great too. He may be jealous but he hardly shows it and he still kisses on her when he doesn't think you're looking. If you put her in his lap he pushes her away but if you have your head turned he'll go up to her, hug and kiss her and try to pick her up. Such a loving brother. He does check on her when she's crying and I've just fallen in love with him again with all this. I love both my children.

But there's a part of me that's still missing and the only real reason I'm motivated to write, is watching OTH (s08e06) and then realizing that ProVideo is giving me an oppurtunity to video edit a wedding. I have been just craving to edit something and be creative along with just wanting to work and get out of the house. I used to work all the time then I just stopped to be with my kids but there's still a part of me that wants to work, that wants to serve... Even if it's in a church or editing in my own home. Just something to know that I am accomplishing something. And it just sometimes feels without it, I'm not enough for me. I know Mike likes me staying at home and my mom supports it, but for me, it's just not enough. I don't feel totally whole - and not because I really yern for it... it's something to be praised for. Something to know that I can be good at something else in this world than being a mom or wife or homemaker (and I know I'm not great at those things). Yeah..

And this song, "I believe in you". It's just become this season's soundtrack. I've been having these dreams/and nightmares and this song just really explains how I feel sometimes towards it and it's just sometimes bitter-sweet on the understanding of the songs and the dreams. They are not geared to my family or life right now, but something completely different and not real and as much as I try to shut them out they keep coming back when I least expect it and then I'm just lost because I feel that if I say them outloud I'm crazy or a bad person or something... And it's not like murdering anything or anyone it's just not what's supposed to be... And there's a couple people who know about it... tried to tell them just to see if that would help but it hasn't. But it's okay.

Anyway, life is perfect. Don't like the thought of winter coming up but that's alright. It's life. My husband is at school making a better life for us. He's so amazing and has done a great job helping with Lucas now that's Zoey's here. I love my family!

Cherish {August 21, 2010}

Well, I am cherishing my time with Lucas and with Mike. I know that our lives are going to completely change - again - when Zoey comes into our beautiful family picture! I am sooo excited to meet her, and I'm ready to be finished with being pregnant -- and at the same time, I'm really in no rush considering labor is just scary in the thought it may not be as easy or like it was with Lucas. But I have faith and I know it'll be over before I know it and it will be 100% worth it. So not letting that stress me out. I guess I'm more concerned about Lucas and him getting jelouse or confused with Zoey. But I will remember him and it's hard to even think now that I can love another being as much as I love him. I know we are to love our spouses more than our children - or at least a different way - and I do... but it's still sooo hard to imagine I do! I guess it kinda comes down to that I'm not sure if I want any more kids after this one, because I want a life with my husband at some time... And at this point, by the time our kids get out of high school, we will be in our 40's. Which, is still very young - a lot younger than what my mom was when I graduated - by 8 years!

So, it's just a waiting game. i've been super tired lately - I don't remember being this tired last time at this point in my pregnancy but I do remember having bad back pain and it was just soo hard for me to sleep in the first place. I have just set up bad sleeping habits the last few weeks. I stay up til 4am (it's going on 5am now) and sleep all day (Lucas sleeps til 11am-noon) and then take a nap when he does and who knows even sleep when Mike gets home for a lil while. I either play on the computer or clean or whatever while everyone else is asleep. I like to clean the kitchen at night -- something about waking up to a clean kitchen with all the dishes clean, etc. I also spend time with the puppy. It's usually nice outside and if I wasn't pregnant I might be a lil more gutsy to go take the dog for a walk at this time of night but I'm pregnant and anymore -- you just don't know... So I stay home and play with him.

Mike has had good work hours and gets some drive time money so that helps. We're paying off debt and getting ready for the baby. Both living rooms are painted and so is the dining room. We are slowly getting the bedroom wallpaper off and we might paint the kitchen but I'm not holding my breath. Things are settling in. I wish we spent more time with friends and some family but we just get so comfortable, especially since Mike works so hard. He doesn't have to go to school until after my birthday in November, which seems later than before, but it works!

I'm filming our neighbor's wedding today, just because.. for free... It's not going to have HD cameras or anything like my job at First Kiss, but I bet I can actually give them a better product... But that's my opinion -- and Mike's... and a few others.. anyway..
.
Zoey is very active but I've noticed - not once have I gotten kicked in the ribs! Not like I did with Lucas! She just rolls around in there and sticks her foot out. It's an amazing feeling and I know I'll miss that about pregnancy. I don't mind being pregnant, or the heat... but I've been just about pregnant it seems for two years and I'd like to let go of some responsibilities. But I should be getting to bed... I just edited this last week's video footage because I know today I will be busy with the camera not at home so we'll skip that day and yeah... Just wanted to update quickly.

Two Is Better Than One {August 2, 2010}

So the last half month has been good. Taking my pills on a regular basis, every day, really helps. Sure there's stress - but that's what I want. I just want to feel a little normal without being numb etc, as I believe I've expressed. I still want to feel. It's hard though with a lil boy who's teething. Some days are good, other days I just want to give him up for a day or two hours or five minutes. Mike doesn't always understand unless he's alone with Lucas, and I don't believe he fully understands this is my life, everyday (even when he's here). It's frustrating and hard. Not to mention Lucas is getting soo heavy and I am just expected to do it all. Seriously, I am just about. Mike will do some, but he's slacked off a bit. He was helping me really well for a while and now it's not so much. Shopping is impossible with Lucas, even almost with the two of us. So getting out of the house is just as much of a hassle than staying in. Mike has made comments when I've asked him to take Lucas with him (even upstairs while he plays on the computer), that I stay home and he works all day so I can keep Lucas. I've tried to let him know I am with Lucas ALL the Time... but, no, his freedom is a lot more important - he's made that almost pretty clear to me now... Just makes me wonder how I'm going to manage during the day without Mike's help with a new born and Lucas. I think he'll do fine if he's not teething, etc. but what if he is and how will he respond to the baby and why did we get a puppy? LOL.

I miss working. I did some freelance work for ProVideo - that was different but nice. Beautiful place out in Solon called The Celebration Barn. My last wedding is this weekend here in town.

Tomorrow I turn 36 weeks pregnant. It's hard to believe that my life is going to be flipped around, again. But hopefully the last in a while....

Beauticontrol products have helped my feet and aching body.
I'm taking care of my skin more often, like my face.

I sleep way too late and stay up too late. It's hard to sleep, that's partly why. But it's not cool sleeping til 2pm. Lucas does the same. I think he's growing again, he sleeps tons!

That's really about it. Just stayed inside... Loving life better now more... and just craving for Mike's love and by that I don't mean sex etc. but maybe a little of what we started off as. I love the song "lead me" by Sanctus Real... but yeah. We are getting along better and I communicate better with him and he's not smoked for a month now I think... I'm so proud of him! He's been handling it well and the stress, etc. but "i still feel alone"

Two is better than one.

Used to Like the Way It Hurt {July 15, 2010}

So for most of June, after I got the antidepressants I started doing really good. They were the lowest doseage, but it helped, a lot! I began focusing on my faults and what I needed to work on more than Mike's - and that actually really helped our relationship. I continue to try to do that... It's just a lot harder to keep my mind focused and caring enough to do it. My doctor (she's a smart one...... not) decided she didn't want to refill the pills (even though she claims she did...) so I went a week without them, plus a week of not taking them made me forget daily so that's about another week of not taking them (on a regular basis) so I began to go back down in my hole again. Not as bad as when it had ended... Looking back it was in different phases. I became ruder, then I began not to care, then I began to hate that I didn't and then the depression all kicked in, etc. So, I have noticed that I'm the first two. Mike has mentioned it to me and I had to confess I haven't taken them on a regular basis and I'll do my best to do so, just to give me a couple weeks for them to kick into my system. The doctor asked if I wanted a higher dosage, but I said no because the lowest was doing great, and I don't want to become numb and hide from my problems. The only reason I went on them in the first place because I felt I was becoming unsafe (running red lights, not caring in general) and I have a son and a new life inside me to be responsible. Most still don't know I'm on pills, including my mom, because if she did know she'd hang it over me... When really - it's great that I'm getting myself help this time other than all those other times when I'd either give into the pain (like cutting when i was younger) or drinking... So, I'm trying. Sometimes it doesn't feel enough, but again, I'm at that point where I don't exactly care enough, but I do enough to keep trying. And I think that's what matters.

Mike is on his like 9th day of not smoking! He's been on Chantix and I'm not sure if it's 'helping' him... but for a $150 a month, it better be LOL. It's about the price of smoking, if less, so I don't mind - as long as he isn't doing both. Which, I believe he isn't because I can't smell it on him. And he isn't as stressed, etc. So I hope he's doing well with it. I try not to talk to him about it because when I have or even when I say I'm proud of him, he has asked me to stop and not to say anything. So, I just continue to pray for him. I hope he can be the husband I need and a father Lucas and the lil girl needs, and he's been doing a lot better than before (not that he was bad...). He finally gets to play his PS3 after 7 months! I really don't mind him playing it... I am proud, so it's like a reward in my mind.

Lucas is walking. He can walk from our dining room to the living room front door. Pretty awesome to see how that's all laid out in what seems only like a week. He's getting pretty smart too. He's began to go down the stairs, surprised he doesn't have rug burn on his belly! He can turn the lights on and off (when he can reach them). He knows 'night night' means upstairs. 'Bye-bye' means the front door and he waves and fusses if he sees me leave without him (not because I am leaving... but usually he knows when he's going too (considering if dad isn't around). He says 'pa-pa' for puppy. Still loves his ba-ba's - I don't mind at all. He's just learning sooo fast.. He's almost 15 months!

The pregnancy is going better. My back isn't hurting as much and my pelvis was hurting too there for a while but that was normal - and that doesn't hurt as much now-of-days. I sometimes move things that I shouldn't and that causes pain but that's my own fault. I think I can do it all... Sometimes because I ask Mike to and he forgets over time - after time, after time... So I just do it. I don't mind being pregnant, but I do wish I could have a beer... It's summer, just one. with a lime. LOL. But I will wait :) but I also just don't know if I like who I have become being pregnant. It seems like when I was pregnant with Lucas I was my old self. More cooky, fun, etc. But now it's like I'm serious and maybe that's hormones, I don't know... But I really miss 'me' she's somewhere in there... From my last ultrasound I shouldn't have placenta previa - but the placenta is still low. The baby was breach, but within the last couple days I think she flipped... but every day I question that.. So, again, just going with it. God will deliever this baby.

I've worked almost every Saturday this summer since April, now I actually have a few weekends in a row that I don't... It'll be weird... But I'm really looking forward to starting up my own business because I love my job, I just wish I could do things my way and I know people like my style. It'll be hard and wont happen for a while due to money, etc. but we'll see where it leads us.

That's about it... My mom finally went to work since she's been off because her back hurt from being stupid, again... every year, I'm about to think Rockwell wont let her take vacation because she gets another one after it from something she does on vacation... It's been like 2 months of her not working... So she is trying to get to work in CR, which is good. Haven't seen dad too much, but that's normal. Haven't been with friends a lot, but again, been busy with weekends and stuff. Our air went out a bit, but now is back on and I'm loving it these last two days, yesterday was like 95 degrees!

All The Right Moves {June 5, 2010}

So, proud of myself, I got some help. I'm on Prozac to help with my craziness. It's been helping a bit more. Waking up better. Better attitude. More alert. Not driving through stop lights (which is good because in CR, it's photo enforced now). Just, doing better, slowly. I still have my days. I'm learning to communicate frustration or disappointment with Mike better, though I know I have my flaws too. I guess I have to admit that I know he sees them and will sometime pin me for it... but that's just being paranoid. I really don't know where him and I stand right now... it's not good, not bad... it just is... but maybe that's just a season we're going through. I wish he'd pay more attention to Lucas instead of playing video games. There's been some mornings he hasn't complained about getting up with Lucas but little comments like "Deserae will you change Lucas' diaper because you're here." I told him as Lucas' father, he should just do it... and he again said... "but you're here now." It's like... really? He wasn't even joking because he put it off for 15-20 minutes. Just makes me angry. But he's also been saying he appreciates things I do more, etc. So, there are good days and bad days. Some days I feel loved, other days I feel taken for granted.

Lucas is begining to walk and he is on a roll! I'm glad Mike's been able to witness Lucas learning. Some working dads, and mom, don't get to. Again, we are blessed. Lucas has been getting hot in the house, so sometimes we have to put on the A/C, otherwise he throws fits (because he doesn't know what's going on, etc.). He still takes warm milk better than cold (used to formula being warm water), but will take it cold most the time. He eats anything you'll give him. Learns from the dog (like putting paper in his mouth... or eating dog food). He's learning so much... so fast... it's quiet amazing! We cut his hair and all I could think about is "omg, my brother has come back from the dead" it's crazy, but now that I'm getting used to it, I know Lucas is still MY son, not my brother, not my mother's son, and I love him, so much! He is still, such an amazing lil boy! Who is now 32 inches long and 26lbs!

The baby girl in my belly is kickin' away as I write this. She's been very active lately. I have missed this feeling. It's still weird thinking I'll have a girl... I just had thought 2 boys, then a girl. But we came up for a name for her and it's becoming realer, although we're not sharing with family/friends.

Work is great, I love my job as a videographer. Sometimes it's stressful, but most days it's great days. Got my old friend Jasmine a job working for First Kiss. So maybe we'll become closer again, and I can let all the hurt go, etc.

I am eating skittles. yumm..

Back/legs/butt still hurts a lot from this pregnancy. Not to mention I fell yesterday on the street and scrapped up my knee and hurt my other foot. It was hard moving around at the wedding today.

That's about it... hormones are still here... I'm not liking who I've become lately... I'm meaner to people, without knowing it... so.. really need to work on that and what I say. At least I'm to a point where i can start listening to sermons again, etc. praying... some days don't want to do it but always feels better afterwards.

Love my boys and my lil girl in me!

My Heart Still Beats for You {May 10, 2010}

Current Music: My Heart Still Beats -Anna Ternheim

So the last couple weeks I'm just realizing that I'm in this depression that I've tried not to confirm to myself, to others, etc. I think I'm so afraid to admit it because I'd have my mom either saying "you have a good life, why are you sad" or her giving me advice like today when I told her I woke up at noon she said "just get up and take Lucas for a walk." That just bugs me, because she says it in a tone, etc. And then she just randomly asks me during the evening "well are you sad or depressed or mad or are you just pregnant? Are you going to be okay? Can I do anything." and that's where I just give her the best answer - I'll be okay... Because even if I'm not depressed, she will either help my rage or make it her own, or something. It's just better to lie to her - but at least I'm coming to terms with it myself.

I've tried and tried to tell Mike over the weeks that things in life, minus Lucas, is just not mattering to me. I don't care about things I should. I snapped at my boss - something soo unlike me. I run lights (thankfully without Lucas so far!), I just go into this daze. I sleep for 10-14 hours a night - more if I take a nap during the day when Lucas takes a nap. My desire to be around friends, or even Mike, is just dwendling away. I took myself off of facebook so I wouldn't cause problems, but at the same time, I am distancing myself from everyone. It's hard to face everyone. I am just not myself.

Lucas is about the only reason I get up. And I love him so much, he's so happy and even when he's not I just love him up. I miss him when he sleeps but then I wish he'd take his nap on time because then I can nap (and not do housework - I push that to the last hour before Mike gets home - in which this week he's in des moines and I'm just not motivated at all) so then I feel guilty because I wanna be with Lucas and wish he'd sleep with me but him and I both sleep better in our own beds.

Mike has made me wonder why he even married me because of his feelings towards me. I thought he was over my past and how I was to him and what I did and with who, etc. but he's not. He thinks about it on a regular basis which is what I was afraid of all along but he once told me not to worry about that that he'd forgiven me. Everything he said that night was true... but what probably hurt the worse is him saying this sentence: "I just recall you saying 'I'll be the girl you need me to be' and you aren't." I had listened to Whatever it Takes by Lifehouse and was determined not to be that girl who hurt him and that was just a slap in the face - made me feel like I hadn't changed that I wasn't good enough. That night I made sure not to put him down because I do that enough - and with all he said -- I was just too sad to come up with anything. A simple uncomfortable moment just turned into a disaster night for me. I thought the sex issue was bad... at one time I wasn't giving him enough and now that I'm trying and I'd say almost succeeding - that's not good enough either. Not to mention I'm pregnant... but I guess that doesn't matter -- just another thing - that I shouldn't care about or put into the equalization. He uses comments like "if anything I should get the new ipod and you get your old one back --- oh just kidding" because it's the sexual frustration being taken out on me, past and new. That morning he didn't give me a chance to kiss him in the morning, he left with a quick kiss on the neck. But later came home and came directly to me and hugged me and said "I missed you." - He never does that. ever.

Mother's day was another disaster - my first and I'm almost afraid to even tell anyone or to write it to myself or anything because it makes it realer than the feelings I felt that day. I've felt lately that I'm taken for granted and just like any other day Mike doesn't set his alarm for church or time to get up for mother's day lunch with his parents/grandparents. So I get up at 10am, try to get him up. I try again at 10:15 and 10:30 then I realize he's not going to get up and he doesn't care because he looked at the clock and it doesn't matter.. Not to mention he told me more than three times that he'd go get Lucas out of bed. So I decided I wasn't going - it wasn't my mom and obviously he didn't care. So I played with Lucas until 10:45 and then I yelled at him from downstairs --- that woke him up... And he comes downstairs and he's like "is that what you're wearing" and I'm like... "oh, I'm sorry.. what day is it..? were we supposed to go somewhere" So that was the beginning of that. And he began to get Lucas ready and I didn't help and he begins to yell at me as I just sit and then he says something about how I don't care anymore and all I want to say is "you're right" so I run upstairs and then I realize he's taking Lucas and it's mother's day he can go alone and then I run out after him, he wont give me Lucas and he says he doesn't care if it's mothers day and I just freak out and say fuck you - i can't remember the last time I told him that. go inside. scream. would have broke something if we weren't married and would have dealt with those consquences... go up to Lucas' room and just cry and begin to go numb and about 10 minutes later he comes back and says he doesn't want my first mothers day to be like that... well... it already was... and I wanted to just say it again, fuck you, just get away... but. I just was thankful Lucas was there with me. He's really all I feel I got left. I agree to go out to eat - just for Mike's family - they were expecting us and I hate to let them down truly. but in my mind all I could think of was that Mike just came back because his dad and grandparents would have been mad to see him bring Lucas and have taken him away from me on mothers day and would have gotten crap from them. I don't think his motives were all because of me.. or for us... or Lucas - but for himself.

So we come home and Lucas is napping and Mike's doing something... and I just start to fall asleep and he gets his stuff ready for Des Moines. I get up a half hour after that and my boss had called and grabbed her stuff but stuff was misplaced and I knew about it so she started complaining about another co-worker just because she was frustrated with him and I just kinda blew up on her and said it wasn't my problem etc. and then made her irritated at me and I didn't care. so my mom comes over - 2 hours late - because she'd been drinking the night before. Then she found out Mike was leaving within 30 minutes and said she had steaks in her car (that was at the bar) and was going to leave to - when we had plans to hang out all night and watch movies etc. and I said fine... whatever... so everyone left, by then Lucas was due for another nap and I forgot to lock the door downatairs and the neighbors came over and talked and invited me over for dinner... which was good company and turned out a better night - turns out I didn't get to eat but whatever.

So... that may have just been another day in the life of my long life... but had Mike not came back and the thoughts running through my head... I don't know... My mind is so crazy and he knows it and yet he says "i'm here for you" and ultimately I know he is... but then if I go crazy and one day we ever split up then he'd use it against me... my mother taught me to think like that but it's true. when Mike gets desperate... he'd do it and use it against me, even if I were better. And not saying we're going to split up but you think about it and who wants to be taken for granted, even on mothers day, and have their kid taken away from them...? It's not like I was even because he made me get up for Lucas - being a stay at home mom I just get used to it... but I thought maybe that day would be nice somehow - with my mom or husband... but no. the neighbors made my day - and of course, Lucas. I love him soo much... and it seriously only feels like I've got him. I know it's not true... but... there's really not much to say after that.

Thinking Out Loud {April 21, 2010}

Music: Thinking Out Loud by Lesley Roy

Things are still getting better. Communication hasn't been such of a problem and even when it is, I truly try to either shrug it off or communicate that I need more to not feel a certain bad way. Though when I do this either something may get changed, I might get a shrug, or not even get a response. This is frustrating - sometimes even when I get things I want.

I'm trying to be a better wife, more understanding, more less demanding, not overly emotional (which is hard when you're pregnant), just all these things that I didn't realize before that I did or even some of the things I knew I did but didn't care enough to change... I try to give him what he needs. His space, his time to himself after a hard days of work, to not ask too much of him, sex and respect.

But when it comes to me... Like, I know that even if I give him what he needs as a man, that doesn't mean I get what I need in return. And lets face it... Between the time you meet and the time you get married to the time where you die - you change. Whether it's parts about yourself or even sometimes your beliefs or needs or wants... You change. I've accepted this, or tried to, about things with Mike and I've certainly seen changes in him and had to adapt to them. But when it comes to me - sometimes it's like all he looks at is what I wanted in the past or what I'd settle for. Doesn't go too far past the expectation line (in which I've lowered just to stop being so disappointed). But what about my needs... And even the embarrassment to express that they've changed - even after all we've been through. I think I ask too much when I tell him that I need to be communicated with in different ways or that I like different things than I had before. I know he knows i've changed - he just doesn't apply it to his part. This is soo frustrating to tell him that he needs to listen to me closely because time and time again I do tell him but he forgets the next time and it's just useless it feels sometimes. Like if I'm not worth quitting smoking for, then why listen, why do simple things I ask..?

These are just thoughts thought out loud - I don't freak out on him anymore - or at least not as much. I'm just letting go of soo much and sometimes it just breaks my heart. But to be honest - it's hurting less and less because I'm becoming so used to feeling this way... It's like, we went to that marriage conference, but did he hear anything from it? The stuff that applied to our problems... is he trying to fix that? I am, my problem had been and even is still sometimes sex. After Lucas - I didn't / don't want to be touched but I know for us to work better we need to be close but is it too much to ask for extra things that might help that transition go better for me... When I get denied that - just because he's 'uncomfortable with talking at the time' - it's an automatic turn off in which if I do just stop all things that have been progressed right then and there he gets mad but if I go through with it I'm not actually there and I feel like crap. I'd be fooling myself if I said he didn't feel something was "off" during all that... At least... I hope I'm fooling myself when I say that. I cannot be the only woman who feels like this. Or mom, or wife... I know it and I know we can get past it if we work at it together it's just a factor of getting him to work with me. But if he doesn't... I can just see myself slipping away - not out of his arms or in anyone elses but surely not in his arms. I thought long and hard about marriage and still have no desire or thought of divorce - I'm in it for the long haul... I'm just simply admiting to myself some days that he can't make me happy and so I just gotta make myself happy. Only problem with that - I know where that road leads and it's not a happy one or one that I want my marriage to go down.

---

On another note. Lucas is learning soo much. He's kinda given up on the whole walking thing - there for a while he'd try to stand on his own, etc. but now he just either stands on his own or moves across things but I don't see him walking until maybe 1 year or older. He is a fanastic eater, a clean one at that, most the time. He's a cuddler - I love it when he's tired. Him and I sing in the car, more so me when hes upset to calm him down. He likes to get our attention when we're watching tv - and will do something he's not supposed to to get our attention. Usually works. He knows the word "look" and responds to it - love it. Still loves his cherrios.

The pregnancy is still going good. Feeling the baby move a lot more and a few days ago Mike was able to actually feel my belly move. He hasn't taken too much interest in me or the pregnancy, so him saying that he actually felt it and it was cool - meant a lot to me. We notice things like that... When something should happen and it doesn't... Anyway. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday - I'm not sure what for exactly but maybe she'll say the doctor wants another ultrasound later in the preganncy to check on the low placenta. Hopefully! I want another look at my baby (for gender and heck, it's cool just seein' it anyway).

Well. There are my thoughts. A bit out loud.

It's Been A While... {April 12, 2010}

So Easter weekend was just yet another weekend that was a strain on our marriage. It had been the 3rd weekend in a row that we just didn't get along and upset at each other - just about the whole time. It gets old and it's discouraging and just hard to give and give when you're not getting anything back. But Easter itself was good. Had it here at our home and it was a good good meal (leftovers were delicious!) and the company was good too.

Mike had to leave for Des Moines on Easter evening and so that was a bummer - but honestly I didn't feel as if I'd miss him as much as usual when he goes away for the week. I just needed a break, in my own home, with my son. I made a joke about "well who am I going to fight with all week..." but - that's the point... No one. My mom came over and she annoyed me one day - but that's her and I expect that - haha. But I didn't start problems with Mike while he was at school or whatever... Didn't expect an email.. it's just like.. I quit expecting things. I've just given up in some areas and that hurts -- but at the same time, it prevented hurt. Sometimes I feel I just need to let go of some things and just live life how I want to and just stay out of his. Even the smallest letdown - like him calling me right after class and starting a small, conversation and here I thought, "oh, he's just calling out of the blue -- he never does this - this is nice." but later to find out he wanted something for me to do for him. That hurt. But I let it go.

So he comes back home and the weekend went well. Hardly saw each other - but it went well. Friday he got home and we got along, then I had to head off right away to Iowa City for a rehearsal dinner for the videographing job I just started. Got home, watched some TV, went to bed. Saturday, woke up early, got ready for the wedding in Iowa City, which was a nice first experience, and got home by 9:30 pm just to relax and go to bed. Mike took Lucas to the park that day - I love hearing him do things like that with Lucas - and not just sitting around home playing video games (which is what I usually expect when I'm working and he's watching Lucas). Then Sunday I made plans to hang out with my mom since the day before I worked so she let me sleep in, Mike got up nicely and then began to start mowing the lawn. AMAZED! Mom decided to take Lucas and I up to Iowa City/Tiffin for her birthday and that was a great day spent with her, later meeting up with some of her friends at a park - that wasn't bad. So we came home and Mike then later got home and after Lucas' nap - we went for an evening walk around our neighborhood that lasted about an hour. was maybe the best day I've had in a really long time that not only included Mike in some of it, but my mom and Lucas. That stroll at night just kinda ended it perfect and we went to bed happy.

Monday has gone by okay. Mike spent most of the evening trying to find the Netflix BluRay that we've turned over the house looking for. We've looked everywhere. Where it shouldn't be.. where it should.. my car, etc. So he claimed it lost in the mail because I remember getting it ready to be mailed but me being me... I probably mailed it and forgot but then that means they lost it.. but I would rather say I lost it but yeah. We expected to pay for it, but... I guess we don't have to now. We'll return it if we find it but doubt it. And I got up in the attic and Mike handed me broken moving boxes up their to get more room downstairs and so that was nice I couldn't have done it without him. And he finally called US Cellular to fix our service and save us money after three months of asking him.

So all in all... Mike is like slowly changing and I'm trying not to be mad and communicating with him, etc. But as he's doing these simple little things I have to keep in mind that usually when he does start doing better - and I don't mean to sound like a bitch - but usually shortly after he starts just letting me down and I feel like crap because I started trusting him in that sense... and so... I can't let this get to me. I like not expecting anything, because then it feels like it's so much more... but at the same time it's like... he should be doing this anyway and it shouldn't be a big deal. I don't know. Maybe I'm just truly a woman and just can't make up my mind. I don't know. Sometimes... I just feel crazy.

I was disappointed on not being able to find out the sex of the baby. I went in just thinking "this is it, we'll know" and walking out almost cursing at the baby for crossing their legs LOL. well not really... but ya know. But she did say that my placenta is very low and unless it rises it could be candidate for a C-section. So, depending what the doctor wants to know later - I may get another ultrasound, etc. But it was neat seein' the baby for the 1st time. Such an amazing thing this life is.

Well.. that's it.

Cocaine Skin {April 3, 2010}

Current Music: Cocaine Skin by Broken Social Scene

So Easter is tomorrow and I think we're going to have a wonderful meal. My mom, Uncle Don, his Wife Vicky, his son Jacob, my Papa, Carl and us will all be in our home for our 1st Easter. Didn't ever see that coming in the last year - but I guess I never thought of events like this... but they are wonderful, even when they are with Mike's family. I am sometimes torn between the families, trying to please everyone, and I know ultimately - that's what Mike tries to do too but sometimes people get hurt because we're human, and because we are that, we are attached to those people and can be hurt too. Of course, this is my clear thinking, get me in that situation and I'm just hurt and mad - haha. But at the end of the day, I always have the best time and it had been time well spent - never wasted. That's the thing with family - is that with friends, they disappoint you and you can always thing "man, coulda done something better" - or at least that's my experience with some of my friends, even my true friends I consider as family sometimes... But with family, despite the disappointments or hurt - it's time well spent. So anyway - we're having 8 lbs of Chuck Roast that we're beginning to cook here in about 30 minutes, should be yummy! My mom helped out money wise, but honestly, I think we could have handled it but I appreciate it. Then we're serving fresh fruit (strawberries, bananas, grapes, cantaloupe, watermelon, and something else...), green bean casserole, hot rolls and Pinot Noir/Grape Juice. Then my uncle is bringing some potatoes, my mom is bringing doubled eggs and has three Kathy's Pies (the best) - Strawberry Rhubarb, Peach, and my favorite, Chocolate Silk. Sounds amazing! Super excited!

Mike asked if he could come sleep in bed two nights ago... When I had already invited him days ago, and even was emotionally torn when day after day he'd choose downstairs. That just hurt... He didn't want to be close to me, even if that meant sitting close to me if that meant he had to move (as my back hurts). As a woman, I want to be close, whether it's physically or emotionally - I was getting neither - especially after I told him that if he "needed" sex as a man... That I wasn't getting what I needed from him and how can I want to give myself to him for his needs if I don't feel connected...? He never didn't answer that - of course I was on a rage of emotion and hurt and madness.... I wouldn't answer me either, but I'd try to make it better... and it hasn't been, and it's sad because he's leave for school for a week on Sunday night. But ever since an argument last weekend (we've fought three weekends in a row now...), he's been doing better with communicating with me about Lucas and what he plans to do, etc. It's helped me a lot more to not be mad at him.

My back still hurts. I looked on a diagram and read up on it and it's my Sciatic nerve and it effects my hips, butt, leg, ankles and feet. I haven't done much work today and don't understand why it hurts so bad tonight... It's even hard going to the bathroom or getting up from sitting. Crazy. Good thing I go Monday to Physical Therapy. We'll see what we can do there... And I am soo excited that in 5 days we'll know the sex of the new baby!!! I haven't even really considered it being a boy, I really think it's a girl but I want another boy but now it's so weird - haha!

Life is getting better slowly, and I'm taking one day at a time - or I try to. If it wasn't Easter Sunday tomorrow and I had to get ready for Easter Lunch then I think I'd be up to going to church alone (or with Mike, if he got up), but on that note, he got up great today, before 10am, I was very pleased.

Jesus is the reason for ALL seasons

I Don't Want To Fight This War {March 28, 2010}

Yesterday he said my eyes
Were fading fast away
I said well what do you expect
You asked me not to stay
and if it had all been for the best
I wouldn't feel this way
And he said

Oh he said it's crazy
How love stays with me, yeah
You know it hurts me
Cause I don't wanna fight this war
It's amazing
to see me reading through this scene of love and fear
and apologies
{{Apologies - Grace Potter & The Nocturnals}}

This song has meant so much to me and gotten me through so much in the last year and a half with Mike. The second verse was more relvent last time I was pregnant with Lucas for the fact that Mike had to go outside to smoke when it was so cold and the smoke bothered me and we fought about it all the time... The smoking issue hadn't been an issue until today I find out it's becoming one again. Instead of cigars, it's cigarettes again only this time... I just don't care anymore. It hurts, so much to say that. I had guessed he went back, but I guess I just put myself in denial or maybe even put a little more faith in him. I thought he was cutting down... He says he doesn't know what it's like to handle stress without them, and with working and me getting on him and for a week his hernea stitches had been hurting him (news to me today) - he just can't do it without. Granite, I didn't smoke as much for how ever long - but I have those desires too. Like drinking and smoking... Only I've chosen to stop for someone I love. It's a choice to be pregnant and not to smoke or drink, and this time, honestly, I could probably smoke throughout but I just can't do that to the baby. That's not me, that's not my heart... Anyway.. Point is, is that I have stress too and I have less 'outs' for myself to handle that stress the way it's easy than he does. I can't even take a drive and jam out or just relax. Anyway, that's not even the point of this rant. Just have felt like a fool for this 'I'll quit smoking" act.

But most recently we were in an arguement, or - well, I was mad at him for sleeping in til 4pm and along with a few other things on my mind, I made the comment that he was being childish and stubborn. He said to that, "well if you don't like it than you can find somewhere else to sleep tonight." Me, hurt and stubborn and lost... Said okay, went to work, came home - got Lucas and went to Anna's. Mike said Lucas was welcome to stay and didn't need to go and was about to argue with it... but seriously, what's gonna happen to Lucas in the morning-or afternoon, when Mike wont wake up to his crying... or his alarm...? Anyway... I should have never took that step to leave, Mike should have been... and discussing that little detail tonight, turns out he'll never leave his house for that reason... and that normally he wouldn't sleep on the couch either but he'll "give me that one." So leaving for me - I knew we'd be okay again - but I knew it could be a problem start in my heart. I still have love, but I just get soo tired of this and him sleeping in or playing games all day or just his stubbornness. I just am getting so depressed with all that - nothing else. Along with realizing some of our raising techniques are different - or on different timing, it's just hard. I guess I'm always telling him to do stuff, when I hardly ask anything from him at all.

There was just so much discussed today that I'm pretty sure it didn't all click in there for him. One subject would lead here or there and never stay on track. One thing did stick I know and that was "you are sleeping on the couch tonight, if not a week." I just freaked on him basicly all the reasons not to have sex... but I still do despite all the 'woman reasons'. Like not feeling togetherness and getting My needs. The way he treats it sometimes is just so unromantic that I'd rather clean toilets. Stuff like that... My needs as a woman aren't being met but I still try to give him his. He says I need to tell him but I do he just doesn't listen to the actual words. One arguement he had was "what can you tolerate about me?" I had to think about it... because he wasn't asking what he did... he was asking about who he was. And that brought me to realize that I love him as a person, it's just like after a few months of being engaged (around pregnancy time), he just quit doing things. Like learning about me or trying, quit asking questions, etc. Wasn't courting me - I guess you'd put it, anymore. And that's okay, understandable... But then I realized he wasn't helping me when I would try to learn about him in these months... Gosh, I had no clue about his herna hurting. He tells people things right in front of me that seem important to know without even talking to me first about it... It's just hard to think it's only been 6 month of marriage and that I just kinda blew up and I feel like it'll happen again someday, even in the next 6 months, and this is our life. This is the beginning... And even talking to a Christian friend about her husband troubles about him not going to church and being a loner - she thinks kids might help but I really don't believe it will. It's not for me to say, though. My love has grown for Mike because of Lucas, but if anything has made our relationship complicated, even being married.

Despite all these things, I still have so much love for Mike because I love who he is as a person, just not what he does and his stubbornness. It's just hard he doesn't apply these fights and I'm just tired of fighting this. It doesn't even feel i have a partner sometimes, which is hard when you know your bound to someone.

---

So on another note... Lucas bumped his head or something tonight and his lip bled, I hate to see that, hurts me so much. He's beginning to stand for 15-30 seconds by himself. I love to see that but then it's like "no, get on your knees and crawl!" He just amazes me every day and my love just grows and grows...

Speaking of growing, I began feeling the baby butterflies a couple weeks ago and now at almost 18 weeks I am feeling the baby move. I've missed this feeling, best part of being pregnant. I have my ultrasound April 6th, and we're finding out the sex this time -- I'm soo excited! I'm looking past the "I kinda want a boy because I know what to expect" because I'm really beginning to think its a girl. I've had dreams from early pregnancy it's a girl and the heart rate on Friday was a stead 150 not to mention the wives tails of I crave sweets all the time and I had more morning sickness than last time and if I go by the chinese birth calendar I'm supposed to have a girl this year - haha! So. LOL. It's hard to imagine that I'll love anything more/the same than the moment I saw Lucas... but I told my mom that and she said she felt the same way and she said "trust me, you can. I did." So, can't wait to feel like that again because that was an amazing feeling!!!!

I have been working hard on getting my scrapbook done of "the Paige Journey" I started with our engagement, the summer, and then ultrasounds, belly pics, Lucas' birth - that's all I'm up to now but that's a lot of work! Cutting out pictures and posting them then the writing... I'm enjoying it. I've missed doing it and wish I'd done it earlier but I think I'll keep up on it now because it's already something I know I'll look back on from time to time instead of looking at pictures on my computer. Something about seeing it, hard copy, with all the cute notes, stories and stickers. plus, it'll be all ready by the time baby #2 comes! I think I printed more than 200 pictures off the other day -- that's a lot! and I plan for 90% of those to go in the book! I had a problem finding my old scrapbook book for sale in the stores so I bought two -- at this rate - I should have bought more! So hopefully I'll find them or they'll be in stock! I like it on black paper - not sure why -- maybe because I need those cool pens to write on it and what not.

Well... that was a stress reliever. I really don't like the idea of posting online anymore... but I know if I didn't, I'd never write on it again. I don't write by hand... wish I did, and have tried but just didn't keep up with it - not like I used to. Heck, I'm lucky to have one entry on this a month. That and I'm sometimes unsure if my emotions are just in the way... Like a week or so ago - I was just mad at the world or something. I wasn't mad at Mike but I wasn't being nice and I just told him that it wasn't personal and it was best to just let me be and do what he wanted. He respected that I knew the difference between my hormones and feelings, etc. So that's good.. in a sense of knowing that - not the fact my hormones were Mrs. Witch.

Oh yeah, I might have to quit my serving job because last Thursday I told my boss that I work with, Ryan, to not put me upstairs for the Saturday night shift (just incase we're busy and well... my back hurts too much) and what do you know, I get stuck upstairs because he doesn't care about his job anymore. I was about to walk out!!! I was soo mad. But, I knew there had to be a reason for him to be that way and had it gotten busy I'm sure someone would have helped me or we would have figured it out or something... So I waited... He didn't come to me, so I went to him and I told him I had thought about walking out and then he started to relay that he hated the job and just was hurt by what had been said about him or something, etc. So I'm glad I didn't walk out - not only for my own reasons having never done that before and on good status with all my past jobs - but because that would have been more stress on him, etc. I like my job there, I don't want to leave but if he's going to be like that as a manager - then I'm outta there. I don't need that. Not going to put my health on the line because the managers can't pull there crap together and get along and do their job right.

K, soo, it's late and I should start watching House Season 1 which was my intention of bringing up Mike's laptop - not to write on this but today just got to me.
I pray I get the feeling to start caring again, or have a reason to - about Mike at least... Everything else is great.
Goodnight world.

Son's Gonna Rise {March 15, 2010}

Current Music: Citizen Cope - Son's Gonna Rise
Current Mood: Torn, but alright

So I guess I'm just writing to get my thoughts out there. My mom came by today because she had a doctor's appointment and decided to come visit us. I do enjoy her visits. No one else really comes to visit us. Not Mike's parents, no one. We go to visit them, but to be honest sometimes I just get sick of always going over there we just don't go and then they don't see Lucas and then I feel bad then I just give in. Tom used to stop by with any excuse I think just to see Lucas. It just makes me wonder if it's always going to be like that... Like I've offered to go out and take pictures with them and even bond, but... I don't know.

And on that note, holidays... I have yet to really know what to do with them. My mom doesn't want to spend every Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter getting together with Mike's family. Not that she doesn't like them, because she does, but what about our family like Aunt Pat and Uncle Don and Papa? My mom might not do anything 'special' with tons of family (and she doesn't think it's bad Mike's family is soo.... family oriented) but they're still family. The couple people I thought to be important enough to invite to the wedding (because they replace my grandparents). But Mike always plays it off like "I don't know how much longer I have with my grandparents" and complains that we don't do anything and that we can get together with my family 'whenever.' It really hurt my mom about Christmas this last year. And it just seems like she always gets put on the back burner - and this isn't just Her feeling about this, it's mine, and it breaks my heart. Mike can be so selfish - though I can too. I just see this ordeal of - I married into a big family, and I change all my stuff to fit it and it doesn't seem like he considers my feelings on it. I know Kendra and Tom do, because they make an effort to invite us and make it clear that it's okay not to go with their plans. I respect that. I just hope that after I talk with Mike today about Easter - that things will seem more hopeful for the future.

The last couple days have been spring. Day light savings time has been nice, it's been so beautiful and I've been waking up early and feeling soo motivated! Lucas began walking with his car that helps him learn to walk. I know it's cool now, but it'll be frustrating once he's officially mobile. It has to happen sometime though, just wish he'd crawl a lil bit longer. You can just literally watch him learn things and it's soo neat to watch and it's hard to stop or tell him no. He doesn't much listen to "no" but he knows what it means. The only time he does is when he's really tired and just begins to cry. Other times he just looks back and smiles and continues. Really gotta work with him on that. Anyway - Mike came home yesterday from work and was so motivated he cleaned out the garage entirely. I was really hoping he'd work on my car, but I know I should just be grateful he didn't just come inside and play video games all night or lay around... Because he stayed out there all night cleaning, so yay, and who knows, maybe he's saving my car for a nicer day with a clean garage...? I've been using my phone as a radio, or Lucas and I just sing, which is always good too.

The only change in the pregnancy is that I can feel the baby flutter. With Lucas it was about 20 or 23 weeks, I'm not sure but it was a day after my birthday that I officially felt it... So I saw that as my 'birthday gift' from the baby. I do love that part about pregnancy, just love it, and even missed it when it was gone. So, it's neat that I'm feeling that and knowing what I'm feeling. I'm 16 weeks today. My appointment with the new doctor's office is next wednesday and then on Friday. Title 19 will usually pays for 2 ultra sounds but I'm okay with just one since I went to the doctor so late. I'm just curious on the sex. I'm excited though Mike's already joking (and I think it's a joke but it doesn't quiet help me...) about how I can have the 'new' baby and he can have the 'old' which --- I guess is fine in a sense but I'm going to be home all the time with them both and then he's going to come home and just take care of Lucas? That just doesn't sound right. It's bad enough I feel he doesn't do enough now or help me out. Sometimes I get soo frustrated when we're about to go somewhere because rarely ever does he help getting Lucas ready or he somehow complains. But I have learned that instead of just getting mad, I actually say something and since I'm so used to do it all on my own I just don't expect him to help after that because he gets an attitude or he's busy with a game or just feels bad since I said something. I'm not sure, but it's just hard.

The boy is up from his nap. Bath time, then I think we'll walk the mall or something. Toys R Us or something. Fun. It's colder outside today... so no walks outside. Looking forward to nicer weather though!

All In {March 8, 2010}

Current Music: Lifehouse - Smoke & Mirrors Album
Current Mood: Motivated to Clean but Writing this instead...

So, life has been good lately. There's those ups and downs. I've regained my strength and such from my 1st trimester. So happy to be out of that... For the last week or so, Lucas, Mike and I have been sick - Lucas and I longer... But we're slowly getting over that and I finally got the doctor to give Lucas something for it today. So yay! Mike is working, which is wonderful. I've had pregnancy brain, well, ever since I found out basicly. Which means I forget things, easily. Anyway, I'll start more in detail.

Pregnancy:
Now it's just accepting that I'm back into maternity clothes, right when I just got out of them and could fit into my old pants. But I figure now that I have a sewing machine and way extra time on my hands, I think I can motivate myself to start sewing with my machine and making my own clothes. Way cheaper than buying them! Who knows, maybe try to start my own business selling stuff I sew... I had to quit / put aside waitresing because it was beginning to feel like I was 7 months pregnant working instead of only 10-15 weeks. It was hurting so bad that by the time I started to relax, my body just cramped up and I couldn't move and when i did, I was in tears. That really took down my pride because I felt - well still kinda feel - that I'm failing myself, and somewhat Mike and the whole money situation. Mostly myself, because I know Mike doesn't see it that way at all - he's all supportive. But this was really my only way out of the house, social time, not baby time... Something I knew I was good at and had fun doing it and now I can't do it because my body gives out and tells me it's too much. That just hurts but the last couple weeks I haven't thought too much about it and just accepted it. I'll miss it. Just more time to practice sewing? Be with Lucas... etc. Other than that my morning sickness is gone. I've felt good (besides being sick). I've been having new cravings... Last pregnancy I was craving rootbeer... but this time I'm just in love with rootbeer floats - so that's always in the fridge. Oh, and chocolate cake with frosting, which we just made, yumm! Cotton Candy, Strawberry smoothies, Crab/Lobster. A lot of things NOT good for me, so I don't indulge all of them :) Sometimes I'm more concerned about Mike because he eats more than me, sweets, and last time he blamed me for his "sympathy weight." Well not this time buddy, so now I'm actually making him aware of what he's eating. What else... Oh, I'm not as big or weigh as much as I did with Lucas. I actually lost 5 lbs and kept it off for a good 5-10 weeks. I'm just beginning to gain weight, which is good, because I was beginning to get concerned. I guess the upset stomach just never helped earlier so i didn't eat as much. But boy do I love flinstones vitamines :)

Lucas:
Oh, he's soo big! Today we went to the doctor and he was 32 inches and 25 lbs. he's still in 18 month pants and 24mo/2T shirts. But he is healthy, he's just always been big. He is at such an awesome age right now. You can literally watch him learn and repeat it back to you. He's learned that he can close/open doors, and he's beginning to walk along the couch really good and crawl fast. He learned he can control his tounge and make different noises - so darling! He knows how to climb the stairs, but doesn't get much chances to because we don't want to encourage it exactly because he can't go down yet. We got on state papers so at least now even if Mike doesn't have insurance, Lucas and I do. That's important. Let's see... He's always been a happy baby, never too clingy to us, so he smiles and goes to anyone. Still sleeps through the night, sometimes fights his naps but who can blame him! We finally got him on a good bedtime again after Christmas. He now goes to bed at 10pm and wakes between 8-10am. But then he eats and takes another nap.

Mike:
Has cut down smoking... I'm not sure if it was because I got sick or what, but his cigars just really began to give me the worst headache ever! And it finally got to a point where in the evening if he went outside, I had to leave the room totally until it went away which, was basicly all night. And after he realized how much it was hurting me and that I was sticking to it, he began to cut down even more. To maybe a few drags a night (at one time). So that, has been a relief! And it's not like I'm only doing this for me, but for him to play his PS3 and us to save money, be heathier, etc. So I've been much happier. And lately he hasn't been gaming as much, so that's been nice. Since Lucas is more fun to really play with, chasing, etc. Mike's been playing more with him and being around us. Occassionally there's times where I just struggle with this thing called marriage, but, I think knowing that we're married keeps my thoughts collective. I don't know if I could do this any longer not being married. So that's a blessing. Life together with child, etc. was truly made for marriage, to be together as partners and know we're in it together! God does know best! But Mike still finds it difficult - or too comfortable to get out of bed on Sundays to go to church. This has really hurt my spirit and instead of being stubborn and going without him, I'm just depressed and dont go. Later regretting it, knowing I had the chance. Being sick hasn't helped either. So yeah... Talked to his mom about it and she said "just go without him, he will follow later." I hope so. I pray about it.

So that's the update. I finally booked a doctor's visit for the pregnancy but the one tomorrow is just to get a family history, etc. I should be turning 15 weeks this week, not sure what day, but I'm excited. I'm tempted to get this product to tell what the sex is earlier - pretty effective but it's like $30 and I just don't have that money right now. We got to handle our money better, I'd rather do other things with that. So I guess I'll wait like 5-6 more weeks until an ultrasound! So excited! And this weather - Yes! Loved the sunshine (besides today) and it's melted snow and ice and yay!!! no more winter coat (for now!).

1 of 3 Down!

So the reason I haven't really written is because I'm pregnant and though like my last pregnancy was hard through the first trimester, this one seemed to be different (like feeling sick, unmotivated, a bit more moodier) so I just didn't feel like writing and thought maybe it'd be best not to. We found out Jan 1st of this year and the baby should be due around August 30th, 2010. We're very excited. It was what we'd planned for but what would life be without some curve-balls? It's all how you deal with it that can make a matter good or bad - but when speaking of children it's never a case of bad. Children are truly a gift from God.

We have yet to go to church, being pregnant and tired hadn't helped. Been even more unmotivated since Mike isn't stepping up, but I suppose he's doing enough already, right? He has quit smoking cigarretts but not cigars, he's easing off those (hopefully). The smell doesn't bother me that much - but I'm not going to tell him that. It's saving us lots of money not smoking and after I'm pregnant it'd be nice not to be tempted every day by him smoking so I'm keeping my mouth shut! So that's an accomplishment.

I had a small Passion Party here at my house so Mike and I got the house in order - finally! Then he went off to Des Moines for school for a week. I haven't really touched a thing -- considering if you only live with yourself and baby and pick things up after yourself it shouldn't look like a mess. Hmm...

I've really enjoyed my time here alone with Lucas. I haven't really had internet at the house since my computer had a virus (now it doesn't, yay!). So I had to resort to other things... Like reading. Last time being pregnant I bought this book by Jodi Picoult (I had liked the other book I'd read The Pact) and called Mercy. It's about a man who kills his wife because she was suffering from cancer. It's all about love and judgment and trail, etc. Excellent book. Yesterday I stayed up til 2am reading it, having read 100 pages yesterday. It's been really making me think of the love relationship with Mike and I. Prayed about it and ended up in tears - but it was a good thing, there's nothing wrong with really expressing yourself to the One who made you! An amazing feeling... I've missed it. Think I can help my marriage progress through the little insights He game me through that prayer.

So anyway, Lucas and I have just been up in his room, him playing, me reading and he's getting such a character to him! I love that kid with all my heart. I thought he swallowed something and was choking and I just freaked and almost went to the hospital but he was okay. I think he knows when I ignore him so he tries to get my attention, that little rascal! Gotta love him though!

So that's my update. I haven't gone to the doctor, wont until a couple more weeks, otherwise it's a wasted visit, all they're going to tell me is "oh your pregnant" and then I'm gonna be like "no, duh!" and then they're going to charge me $40 just for that. So no, I'll wait thank you! Mike comes home on Friday and I now have to wake Lucas up from his nap (I should have been naping too) and go to the bank so we can pay bills etc. yay! being a grown up is soo much fun, sometimes.. :)

I Hope It's Gonna Make You Notice... {January 1, 10}

Sitting here in my house I am pretty sure there is a mouse in our vents... I hear a noise... but Mike is sleeping since after we got home he didn't feel well. Pretty proud of myself last night, had three beers in five hours - needless to say, I was the one who drove home. Though I will miss going out as much and being around that crowd, I am slowly noticing more and more what everyone is saying at those parties or clubs; "I hope it's going to make you notice... someone like me..." From the song "Use Somebody" I had an idea of cutting the song short and making it all about a party where the one you love is living it up with just about everyone but you... That's how I used to be, and seeing the loneliness in some of those faces last night while I was sober and not joining them - really made me realize. Then, I saw the faces of the ones partying, looking for attention, but when no one else was watching they were just numb. Trying to feel, look, and desire to be wanted and noticed. Didn't matter if their ho-ha was sticking out or not (though that was way embarrassing, very funny!). All in all I had a great night out with my husband. Word gets around fast when you're married. Saw someone I dated once there and he was surprised I was married and had a kid and a house... kinda made me feel good, I'm not sure how to explain that. Mike has always been one to let me do my thing, though last night he got a bit drunk, I was pleased to see he made some friends with some of my coworkers. He even got their number and wants to hang out with them - which I am happy about. Just showing some interest in my life and that makes me happy that he puts up with my parties and tries a little.

Hope all is well and ya'll have a great new years. Here's the video I made. Song is by Laura Jansen.

Every Now & Then {December 30, 09}

Every now and then I get
a little wrapped up in myself
and I...
I can't see you reaching
Every now and then I get
a little overwhelmed by the world
and I can't hear you calling
Every now and then I get
a little tired of my reflection
and I want to break the mirror
And every now and then I get
blinded by my own perception
and I need to see you clearer.

Sometimes it seems as if right when I make things right and I feel like I'm doing okay, someone - anyone, comes and says that I just fail them and I let myself go back down. I never used to be this way, never used to be able to cry (and that's not such a bad thing, in cleanses us when we cry), never used to maybe care that much... But it brings me down so much that I feel like I just got to stop living what I love to adapt and make people happy. Sometimes when it's Mike, I just want to stop caring what I care about. When it's inlaws, I just feel like I have to neal to their wants and not take a stand for what I want or what I feel what's best for my family. When it's my mom, I just don't know what to do with anything. And I just feel so vaurnable and yet so numb.

My mom hung up on me yesterday when I just mentioned that I was with family. So today I call her and she has an attitude and I tried being the adult one and actually ask her what I did wrong. She was hurt by the video I posted of Lucas' first Christmas. She said there was my dad, Mike's family - but non of her. I guess what she didn't know was there were two parts - youtube cut my video into two. I can't control that, and obviously I couldn't control that she was last in line to see us on Christmas. Which I knew would bother her and it hurt me as well, but it turned out a good day and I just don't know what to say to that. Videos on youtube or facebook comments (from me or others) have caused more trouble in my life than just about anything else. Granite, I don't love facebook, but I love posting videos of Lucas and video editing. So, my heart is aching and I just want it all to stop. So I'm thinking just to shut down youtube and or make videos for myself or just none at all. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and that also hurts me. This way I feel and what I've been taught to be. To stand up and be my own person... and after having the baby and getting married I just seem to push myself into a corner when it comes to people being disappointed in me. It's things like this that used to make me feel to go out and forget it all.

And on that note, I have this idea for a video... but I'd need to get out. Mike is supportive of my editing and only shown some interest in what I actually make. He doesn't want too much part in my life when it comes to editing; which makes me sad because I love to edit my own life - not word by word, but some type of music video. So what else am I to do to get that footage? I wish I felt like I was before when I didn't care and I'd go anywhere for what I wanted to film. I love my life but sometimes I wonder what I would have made my life if I'd just gone to Florida. Just a thought... I love my little boy and I love my husband. Had it not been for Lucas I may have not married as soon, not been so sure of things, and may have gone to Florida. I'm not exactly complaining what my life has turned out to be or will be, and I know my dreams aren't dead - but they are put on hold and seems like I'll never be able to get where I want... But my 1st and ultimate dream is my children. I know with all confidence.

I need to go get pictures done of Lucas. Mike doesn't care too much so I'll have to do it. It's really all I wanted out of Christmas, is a picture of Mike, lucas and I and to make a greeting card. I've almost given up on all of that... it wasn't out of selfishness but to send to our families because I don't get out much to get pictures developed to send to Grandparents, etc. I just have to do it my own.

My car needs fixed and it's getting colder by the day. My grandfather and his friend knew my car wheel was broke and when they first found out the came straight over to the house and fixed it. Mike - no, I ask him to do it and he says 'alright.' I come home and he's playing video games and says it's too cold. Well yea but are you going to leave it like that all winter? Cause it's going to be cold all winter... I just walked up to the house from a good day with family and I just hurt and got a bit angry. These games are just getting on my nerves. I feel I can't ask anything of him sometimes without him making an excuse or busy with a game. "Can you take him, my stomach hurts." - yeah, well mine does too but I don't try to tell you, I just try to politely ask you and somewhat expect you to help me without an excuse.... That's how it feels most the time. Excuses and Complaining. I do most of what I am asked without a thought of anything. I do sometimes, no lying there, but I'm used to it. Sometimes I just let Lucas be if he needs something until Mike feels like he Needs to do it. I dont mind though, I do that just about every day. I know it's not a 50/50 relationship and I like that... but it's not like Mike gives his 100% either as I do try to. He's just a game man... and yes, sometimes Mike surprises me and it makes me happy... But the words "always" and "never" sometimes hang in my hurt. That's just human I guess. We are to be working on being like Christ.

Every now and then
you whisper peace to me
with your tender words
unexpectedly
When I'm at the end
and taking my last breath
and drowning in my pride
I got nothing left.
Oh and I can see you
coming around the bend
Yeah, you're taking me
to that place again.
Every now and then...

FFH

Christmas {December 27, 09}

What a wonderful Christmas. Everything turned out how it was needed to be and having Christmas with my mom later wasn't as bad and hurtful as I thought it might. Next year though I do still expect to make her a priority. That did hurt my feelings and that's how it is. It was maybe my best Christmas in a very, very long time... Maybe as far back as when my brother and Granny was alive. Lucas got spoiled. I got spoiled, as did Mike. Really without all the gifts it would have still been perfect. Jesus is the reason for All seasons.

I went out last night, trying to help a coworker and be there for her, she'd had a really rough Christmas with her family so she wanted to go out. I was up for getting out of the house, didn't expect to drink as much as I did, so I took the car. Turns out I made other friends (and she just did her own thing... which was really disappointing because I wanted a girls night). Matt Rissi (DJ Sonar) was at Bricks and it was nice to be around that, it's been a long time. So anyway, things didn't go the way I expected and all of a sudden all the cabs are taken and then I thought I lost my keys (no I wasn't going to drive) so I started to walk and my phone was completely dead and no one was around but then I found people with phones and had Mike come get me. I knew he was disappointed in me, but he got over it fast. I've decided that I need to slow it down a bit - he doesn't mind me getting out of the house, even without him, but we just need to watch money, and not put myself in a situation of not being able to get home (granite we live like a 30 minute walk). So lesson learned. I'm still just trying to figure this whole thing out. I don't go out next until the 8th, in which I do expect a girls night - but I know from experience that scene doesn't make me happy but what does is my man and my lil boy.

So that's really about. Just a great Christmas and I'm very grateful for our life all together and things may get rough but I know we can get through anything - we have an amazing support system; our family.

Found out that the HD camera from Canon that I want is like $1,100. But I don't mind saving and waiting. I also want to get different edited software (sony vegas upgrade) but not until the camera comes along. I got a break maker, 3 Crockpots (going to take one back) and a lot more but those things I really wanted. I need to start cooking for my family. So I also got cookbooks :)

God has blessed us.
Start the new year we're going to be doing devotionals together.

The Start of the Storm {December 23, 2009}

This morning it wasn't as bad as I thought it'd might be. I got everything for Lucas ready last night (at 2am!) so I'd be ready to go. Woke up at 5am to leave and prayed before I left to keep us safe and everyone safe. Woke up a bit late at Heathers and thought Austin was late for the bus in the case I called Heather just to find out he had no school. Stupid me LOL. No wonder there wasn't a cancellation on the KCRG website cause they simply had no school. HAHA. So I was running on 3.5 hours of sleep and got the boys ready to leave for my house (that took forever!). Mike didn't have to work today because his boss didn't want him stranded in IC, which was good! So he was up and knew I hadn't slept much and watched the boys and let me sleep until 2:30pm - that was nice of him!

When I woke up it was raining and it's supposed to rain all tomorrow which isn't good for 1. Flooding and 2. Ice, right before Christmas. So I pray that all will stay safe!

Today's a good day.

Mom stopped over unexpectedly and saw Lucas crawl a lil bit. It was nice lil time spent together. Sometimes with her 'advice' / telling me what to do I just never know what to expect with her and how I'll feel or react. Last night I had a dream of me telling her off... never a good thing... thought it was real but wasn't. I need to be patient and understand that I have my own family now and I need to tell her if something is bothering me and be kind about it.

I hope all will go well with the weather so we can see family over Christmas. Mike's quote "I'm not scared of this snow, I can drive through anything." Ha. Well, I hope he can but I'm not up to risking our lives. I trust him with my life but... black ice is dangerous and there are stupid drivers out there. I want to see family too but it's just not worth it.

LOVE MY BOYS!!

Here It Comes... {December 22, 2009}

Here comes the wintery storm, supposedly. Three days of snow and the whole week getting colder by the day. I'm not a huge fan of winter, or snow, or cold; but boy is it beautiful. I love the light snow late at night. My mom, grandma and I used to go for walks and at the time I didn't appreciate it and now I miss it. The time spent with my mom and my Granny. But now she's gone and my brother is too and I have my own family that I can drag along with me if I'd wish. Okay, well maybe not this year considering Lucas is 7 months old today... but come later years. I actually look forward to that.

Lucas began really crawling last night. Moving both his legs and arms to move forward. I have never really had to watch him on the floor, but last night was interesting, and a lil annoying. But boy, that boy can move but as he has become to like the camera, he doesn't want to show the camera he can actually crawl. Just scoots. That's alright, I still love him and I am so grateful to be able to be at home and watch him learn these new things. He is still an amazing, happy little boy who loves everyone.

I'm a bit hurt and disappointed about Christmas. Mike said that this year we could spend more time with my mom for Christmas (and not hog me/Lucas to his family) and that has totally flipped. We're going to Cedar Falls (depending on weather now...) so early that my mom doesn't want to spend Christmas and her feelings were hurt and though Mike says that he feels he tries to please everyone it's so hard to see that he's trying to please my family or me. That sounds selfish. But you look at my perspective and you see that he's being selfish and we talked about it and he realizes it's selfish too (so I'm not crazy after all!). So next year... we are spending Christmas morning with my mom. I just am disappointed and hurt myself. I have sacrificed a lot this past year... Changed my whole life and even partially forgotten who Deserae really is when she's alone or in a crowded room and I just want some normal in my life. Something I know to be true. And I'm just trying to adapt to this new, huge, loving family that I'm not exactly used to... It's just different and hard. But as his wife I am trying to go along with it and not take things as personal because I know Mike loves me and he treats me well, so I should look past all this.

My friend Jas and I (yeah, I'm calling her my friend again?) planned a get together at Volume Jan 8th to get together with some middle school friends that we were super close to and catch up. For those under 21 we'll go out to eat before hand. Just another night to maybe find a piece of myself. Mike wont be there and I realize though he doesn't like the music or people that I need to make myself realize that I'm not two different people and my spouse should be included in that life if it's going to become habit. I guess it feels like the only 'out' for me. But anyway, hopefully all will show and it'll be a good night. I've really missed that girl Jas, so I asked her not to bring her boyfriend - or husband - or anyone really... who knows with that girl... so I can have her to myself and it'll be like a girls night out how it once was a long time ago. Maybe I'm nieve, because her boyfriend and her aren't doing very well and she's moving back to CR and she'll probably hook up with some other guy and fall in love within a week... "The more things change, the more things stay the same."

Watching the two boys of Heathers is alright. I mostly get Riley, he's about two or three. He's learning that I'm strict but fun and he can't push me over. Going over to their house with Lucas isn't too bad, we both just need to wake up earlier than we have to be there on time and get Heather up and help her out. Hopefully I'll be getting paid for this soon, but she's been helping us along as well. It's hard to take things from people when all you're really doing is trying to help... but if it's going to be more regular then sure I'll take money.. and not from her, from the State. So that works. She only lives like 8 minutes away.

So Merry Christmas. I need to make Lucas a snow outfit that actually fits him...

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