My Heart Still Beats for You {May 10, 2010}

Current Music: My Heart Still Beats -Anna Ternheim

So the last couple weeks I'm just realizing that I'm in this depression that I've tried not to confirm to myself, to others, etc. I think I'm so afraid to admit it because I'd have my mom either saying "you have a good life, why are you sad" or her giving me advice like today when I told her I woke up at noon she said "just get up and take Lucas for a walk." That just bugs me, because she says it in a tone, etc. And then she just randomly asks me during the evening "well are you sad or depressed or mad or are you just pregnant? Are you going to be okay? Can I do anything." and that's where I just give her the best answer - I'll be okay... Because even if I'm not depressed, she will either help my rage or make it her own, or something. It's just better to lie to her - but at least I'm coming to terms with it myself.

I've tried and tried to tell Mike over the weeks that things in life, minus Lucas, is just not mattering to me. I don't care about things I should. I snapped at my boss - something soo unlike me. I run lights (thankfully without Lucas so far!), I just go into this daze. I sleep for 10-14 hours a night - more if I take a nap during the day when Lucas takes a nap. My desire to be around friends, or even Mike, is just dwendling away. I took myself off of facebook so I wouldn't cause problems, but at the same time, I am distancing myself from everyone. It's hard to face everyone. I am just not myself.

Lucas is about the only reason I get up. And I love him so much, he's so happy and even when he's not I just love him up. I miss him when he sleeps but then I wish he'd take his nap on time because then I can nap (and not do housework - I push that to the last hour before Mike gets home - in which this week he's in des moines and I'm just not motivated at all) so then I feel guilty because I wanna be with Lucas and wish he'd sleep with me but him and I both sleep better in our own beds.

Mike has made me wonder why he even married me because of his feelings towards me. I thought he was over my past and how I was to him and what I did and with who, etc. but he's not. He thinks about it on a regular basis which is what I was afraid of all along but he once told me not to worry about that that he'd forgiven me. Everything he said that night was true... but what probably hurt the worse is him saying this sentence: "I just recall you saying 'I'll be the girl you need me to be' and you aren't." I had listened to Whatever it Takes by Lifehouse and was determined not to be that girl who hurt him and that was just a slap in the face - made me feel like I hadn't changed that I wasn't good enough. That night I made sure not to put him down because I do that enough - and with all he said -- I was just too sad to come up with anything. A simple uncomfortable moment just turned into a disaster night for me. I thought the sex issue was bad... at one time I wasn't giving him enough and now that I'm trying and I'd say almost succeeding - that's not good enough either. Not to mention I'm pregnant... but I guess that doesn't matter -- just another thing - that I shouldn't care about or put into the equalization. He uses comments like "if anything I should get the new ipod and you get your old one back --- oh just kidding" because it's the sexual frustration being taken out on me, past and new. That morning he didn't give me a chance to kiss him in the morning, he left with a quick kiss on the neck. But later came home and came directly to me and hugged me and said "I missed you." - He never does that. ever.

Mother's day was another disaster - my first and I'm almost afraid to even tell anyone or to write it to myself or anything because it makes it realer than the feelings I felt that day. I've felt lately that I'm taken for granted and just like any other day Mike doesn't set his alarm for church or time to get up for mother's day lunch with his parents/grandparents. So I get up at 10am, try to get him up. I try again at 10:15 and 10:30 then I realize he's not going to get up and he doesn't care because he looked at the clock and it doesn't matter.. Not to mention he told me more than three times that he'd go get Lucas out of bed. So I decided I wasn't going - it wasn't my mom and obviously he didn't care. So I played with Lucas until 10:45 and then I yelled at him from downstairs --- that woke him up... And he comes downstairs and he's like "is that what you're wearing" and I'm like... "oh, I'm sorry.. what day is it..? were we supposed to go somewhere" So that was the beginning of that. And he began to get Lucas ready and I didn't help and he begins to yell at me as I just sit and then he says something about how I don't care anymore and all I want to say is "you're right" so I run upstairs and then I realize he's taking Lucas and it's mother's day he can go alone and then I run out after him, he wont give me Lucas and he says he doesn't care if it's mothers day and I just freak out and say fuck you - i can't remember the last time I told him that. go inside. scream. would have broke something if we weren't married and would have dealt with those consquences... go up to Lucas' room and just cry and begin to go numb and about 10 minutes later he comes back and says he doesn't want my first mothers day to be like that... well... it already was... and I wanted to just say it again, fuck you, just get away... but. I just was thankful Lucas was there with me. He's really all I feel I got left. I agree to go out to eat - just for Mike's family - they were expecting us and I hate to let them down truly. but in my mind all I could think of was that Mike just came back because his dad and grandparents would have been mad to see him bring Lucas and have taken him away from me on mothers day and would have gotten crap from them. I don't think his motives were all because of me.. or for us... or Lucas - but for himself.

So we come home and Lucas is napping and Mike's doing something... and I just start to fall asleep and he gets his stuff ready for Des Moines. I get up a half hour after that and my boss had called and grabbed her stuff but stuff was misplaced and I knew about it so she started complaining about another co-worker just because she was frustrated with him and I just kinda blew up on her and said it wasn't my problem etc. and then made her irritated at me and I didn't care. so my mom comes over - 2 hours late - because she'd been drinking the night before. Then she found out Mike was leaving within 30 minutes and said she had steaks in her car (that was at the bar) and was going to leave to - when we had plans to hang out all night and watch movies etc. and I said fine... whatever... so everyone left, by then Lucas was due for another nap and I forgot to lock the door downatairs and the neighbors came over and talked and invited me over for dinner... which was good company and turned out a better night - turns out I didn't get to eat but whatever.

So... that may have just been another day in the life of my long life... but had Mike not came back and the thoughts running through my head... I don't know... My mind is so crazy and he knows it and yet he says "i'm here for you" and ultimately I know he is... but then if I go crazy and one day we ever split up then he'd use it against me... my mother taught me to think like that but it's true. when Mike gets desperate... he'd do it and use it against me, even if I were better. And not saying we're going to split up but you think about it and who wants to be taken for granted, even on mothers day, and have their kid taken away from them...? It's not like I was even because he made me get up for Lucas - being a stay at home mom I just get used to it... but I thought maybe that day would be nice somehow - with my mom or husband... but no. the neighbors made my day - and of course, Lucas. I love him soo much... and it seriously only feels like I've got him. I know it's not true... but... there's really not much to say after that.