Annie {November 28, 2009}

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Annie -Safetysuit

I meant to write more often than I have. I've been busy with moving into our house. Though when I say busy I mean distracted by Lucas most the time, sleeping or just not with it. Mike made me aware (not really, I knew it already and didn't even mind that he was getting upset), that I've been super slacking off. I haven't felt motivated to do anything, except for maybe stuff with Lucas - okay, mostly everything to do with him. I don't know what exactly my problem is but I know it's within me, and not caused by others. Trust me, I'd rather put the blame on others about this one, but the truth is hard and the truth is it's totally me.

All my life I've been told I'm pretty, a nice mature, hard working girl. Most people can't believe I'm 21 because the way I act. Knowing all this and having felt confident most my life - lately I've just not been hearing any of the praise coming from my husband or family. I hear most negative... some way to tear myself down and I keep it to myself and build it up inside. I've been the happiest I've been for a good 6 months straight but that's because of the circumstances and joys in my life. Other changes within my body and my activities tell me otherwise. I'm making myself most mother/some wife/no me. Mike has never seen this kind of low with me. I'm insecure, very negative (about myself), passive, etc. and I just can't seem to shake the feeling. I have my good days and my bad days.

So Thanksgiving I didn't feel that I was being appreciated by trying to appreciate Mike... It happens a lot but this day, was more for him than it was me - I'm used to having a small get together with family... Not travel to see most of your family... It's something that I'm willing to do, and later I have fun and enjoy it, but it's something that'll take getting used to. So I got into a little fit, but most of all, I just wanted an apology and he didn't give me one til we were on our way there. Before we left I grabbed my Ipod. I knew Lucas would be good and I just needed some time to get away.

Wow, I really did need to escape to music land. It really helped and that's one thing that I've quit doing since I've had Lucas. Listening to music, whether it be in the car or headphones. I could always make a better (or worse) day by my choice in music. I've really missed relating to my music and just jamming out in my own mind not caring about a thing except my own thoughts and the scenery. One particular album I listened to was from Safetysuit and loved the song Annie.

Thanksgiving day ended up being a great day because of that music time by myself. Lucas ended up getting sick, but it was really nice finally feeling part of a big family (my mom and Carl included). It's been a very long time.

I just am beginning to really realize how much I need time to myself, even if it is putting on headsets or going out without husband or baby. It can change my mood soo much! That and prayer - alone and with Mike.

A Sudden Time {November 11, 2009}

Current Mood: Uncomfortable

Current Music: Times - Tenth Ave. North

Today is a special day for a lot of people, Veterans Day, and though I do respect the fallen and those who are serving currently or have served... This day means a bit more to me. Closer to home. Ten years ago my brother passed away, I've written about this and accepted this realitiy, but years ago I couldn't. Today is his birthday. He would have been 17 years old. It's hard to imagine how my life would be... Would I have married? Would I have had Lucas? Met Mike? Met my half-brother Steve and his family? Where and who would I be? Just questions, none that I really think about, because it really doesn't matter. That wasn't God's plan.

Yesterday we got the keys to our house. So exciting. There's some major things that need to be cleaned up before we move in with our lil guy. We started moving our things in though today so that we can get this apartment cleaned up for the next person. We have to be out of here before the 31st. It's so weird because this has been "home" for the last year. And to think that we'll be growing a family in that home for at least 15 years... crazy thought. But sooo exciting!

So a year ago on my birthday I received a myspace message, a creepy one, from someone who knew things about me. I figured it was an ex so someone who just really hated me. That harassment stopped until today. When they actually emailed me this time. I thought I knew where it came from, but now I'm not too sure. They knew even more, have seen pictures or maybe been in my face a time or two or who knows a time or two in a week, ever week. I expressed this message to Mike, I'd been upfront with him the last time since the writer said they'd send him a note, doing the same thing in this one, and he just said "don't read it, delete it right now." It was hard, because I wanted to read it so bad, I'm not sure why... why do we like to hurt ourselves or subject ourselves to hurt? Mike just doesn't want to get into it... but I'm really hurt by this. I deleted half of my facebook messages, untagged most photos that were from on other profiles (too bad I can't delete the photos myself)... I just, don't feel like I can trust anyone right now. It hurts and what I did read it hurt... I have nothing to hide from Mike or any one else... I don't understand why they are doing this... But I guess I need to tone down my appearance on the outside world and possibly online (as I write this) . I'm going to change everything, once again... Just hurts that someone really hates me that much, which I guess is exactly what they want me to feel. Why do I let them win this over in my heart?

So that's what's on my heart tonight... and Mike doesn't really get how much it really bothers me... He just doesn't want to bring up the past. That's understandable...and I thank him for trying to protect me and not want me to read that... but... that's just not enough. I suppose I should just pray about it.

Weekend To Remember {November 9, 2009}

Podcast I'm Listening to: Tim Lucas (Liquid Church) - Sex & the Bible
Current Music: Rodney Adkins - Watching You
Current Mood: Excited

I haven't written in a long time, I think it's about time to make it a regular thing

I got married to my best friend, Michael about 6 weeks ago. We had a 10 lb, 10 oz, 24 inch baby boy on May 22nd, 2009 and we named him Lucas Myles. Never in my life did I ever imagine being so happy. My worse days are still some of my best days compared to the rest of my life. We are growing as a family in love, and with the love of God.

Tomorrow we are being handed the keys to our new home, a house on the SW side of town. So exciting!!! This one bedroom apartment is getting costly and too small for us now. it was great for just the two of us. Mike is more excited than I am, he now has a 3 stall garage and much space to put things and a higher tolerance for video game volume! He is now waiting in line for a video game.

I quit my day job and began to stay home to raise Lucas. One of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm so thankful to have found a man that takes that so seriously and believes it's the right thing for our children. Both of our mothers stayed home with us.

Recently we went to a marriage retreat where we left Lucas with Granny (my mom) and we spent time together and learned what it will take to make our marriage work. A few highlights was to do my part, to love in an order, respect and sex, and growing our family in God.

• They taught us to love and respect each other, no matter what. Doesn't matter what season we are in life, good or bad, that we both need to do our part. And when he's in a season when he's not the best man, or husband, I still need to love and respect him and encourage him through it. That's something I know I'll need to work on.
• Loving in an order. First comes love and obedience from God. Second I am to love Michael. And third I am to love my children. I'm sure I can get deeper into my understanding of that later... but that makes so much sense to me and I know I'll need to work at this at times since I'm staying at home.
• Sex. After having Lucas I haven't felt the same when it comes to an issue of sex. Funny how that works. Have sex, get a baby. Have the baby, no sex. But what the conference made me realize is that my husband needs to feel that physical intimacy to feel he's wanted and needed by me. My needs are for romance, words and communication. So different women and men are. But despite my postpartum, I need to not reject the act - despite my need to complain about that 'headache' and to give in to him and make his day.
• Growing in God not only individually but as a family. Mike and I really haven't prayed one on one together. Maybe once, when we found out I was pregnant... but until this weekend we never actually prayed together. I'm not sure why things are stirring in my head of how to treat him better but I'd say it was the praying - the closeness in my heart to want to do good by Mike, by us, and by our family. I not only want to grow in my own spiritually life but to also take time out of our day to spend time with the Lord together and to raise Lucas in it. Very important for me, and I'm sure for Mike.

So this weekend got me thinking a lot... And I'm not sure who I'm going to share this blog with but for the most part I will try to keep it family safe, but I am married now and I'm just about old enough to drink (less than two weeks) and I'm sure you see worse things in movies. So please forgive me if I don't "land the plane" to figure out all these thoughts in my head. it happens with us women.