Thinking Out Loud {April 21, 2010}

Music: Thinking Out Loud by Lesley Roy

Things are still getting better. Communication hasn't been such of a problem and even when it is, I truly try to either shrug it off or communicate that I need more to not feel a certain bad way. Though when I do this either something may get changed, I might get a shrug, or not even get a response. This is frustrating - sometimes even when I get things I want.

I'm trying to be a better wife, more understanding, more less demanding, not overly emotional (which is hard when you're pregnant), just all these things that I didn't realize before that I did or even some of the things I knew I did but didn't care enough to change... I try to give him what he needs. His space, his time to himself after a hard days of work, to not ask too much of him, sex and respect.

But when it comes to me... Like, I know that even if I give him what he needs as a man, that doesn't mean I get what I need in return. And lets face it... Between the time you meet and the time you get married to the time where you die - you change. Whether it's parts about yourself or even sometimes your beliefs or needs or wants... You change. I've accepted this, or tried to, about things with Mike and I've certainly seen changes in him and had to adapt to them. But when it comes to me - sometimes it's like all he looks at is what I wanted in the past or what I'd settle for. Doesn't go too far past the expectation line (in which I've lowered just to stop being so disappointed). But what about my needs... And even the embarrassment to express that they've changed - even after all we've been through. I think I ask too much when I tell him that I need to be communicated with in different ways or that I like different things than I had before. I know he knows i've changed - he just doesn't apply it to his part. This is soo frustrating to tell him that he needs to listen to me closely because time and time again I do tell him but he forgets the next time and it's just useless it feels sometimes. Like if I'm not worth quitting smoking for, then why listen, why do simple things I ask..?

These are just thoughts thought out loud - I don't freak out on him anymore - or at least not as much. I'm just letting go of soo much and sometimes it just breaks my heart. But to be honest - it's hurting less and less because I'm becoming so used to feeling this way... It's like, we went to that marriage conference, but did he hear anything from it? The stuff that applied to our problems... is he trying to fix that? I am, my problem had been and even is still sometimes sex. After Lucas - I didn't / don't want to be touched but I know for us to work better we need to be close but is it too much to ask for extra things that might help that transition go better for me... When I get denied that - just because he's 'uncomfortable with talking at the time' - it's an automatic turn off in which if I do just stop all things that have been progressed right then and there he gets mad but if I go through with it I'm not actually there and I feel like crap. I'd be fooling myself if I said he didn't feel something was "off" during all that... At least... I hope I'm fooling myself when I say that. I cannot be the only woman who feels like this. Or mom, or wife... I know it and I know we can get past it if we work at it together it's just a factor of getting him to work with me. But if he doesn't... I can just see myself slipping away - not out of his arms or in anyone elses but surely not in his arms. I thought long and hard about marriage and still have no desire or thought of divorce - I'm in it for the long haul... I'm just simply admiting to myself some days that he can't make me happy and so I just gotta make myself happy. Only problem with that - I know where that road leads and it's not a happy one or one that I want my marriage to go down.

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On another note. Lucas is learning soo much. He's kinda given up on the whole walking thing - there for a while he'd try to stand on his own, etc. but now he just either stands on his own or moves across things but I don't see him walking until maybe 1 year or older. He is a fanastic eater, a clean one at that, most the time. He's a cuddler - I love it when he's tired. Him and I sing in the car, more so me when hes upset to calm him down. He likes to get our attention when we're watching tv - and will do something he's not supposed to to get our attention. Usually works. He knows the word "look" and responds to it - love it. Still loves his cherrios.

The pregnancy is still going good. Feeling the baby move a lot more and a few days ago Mike was able to actually feel my belly move. He hasn't taken too much interest in me or the pregnancy, so him saying that he actually felt it and it was cool - meant a lot to me. We notice things like that... When something should happen and it doesn't... Anyway. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday - I'm not sure what for exactly but maybe she'll say the doctor wants another ultrasound later in the preganncy to check on the low placenta. Hopefully! I want another look at my baby (for gender and heck, it's cool just seein' it anyway).

Well. There are my thoughts. A bit out loud.

It's Been A While... {April 12, 2010}

So Easter weekend was just yet another weekend that was a strain on our marriage. It had been the 3rd weekend in a row that we just didn't get along and upset at each other - just about the whole time. It gets old and it's discouraging and just hard to give and give when you're not getting anything back. But Easter itself was good. Had it here at our home and it was a good good meal (leftovers were delicious!) and the company was good too.

Mike had to leave for Des Moines on Easter evening and so that was a bummer - but honestly I didn't feel as if I'd miss him as much as usual when he goes away for the week. I just needed a break, in my own home, with my son. I made a joke about "well who am I going to fight with all week..." but - that's the point... No one. My mom came over and she annoyed me one day - but that's her and I expect that - haha. But I didn't start problems with Mike while he was at school or whatever... Didn't expect an email.. it's just like.. I quit expecting things. I've just given up in some areas and that hurts -- but at the same time, it prevented hurt. Sometimes I feel I just need to let go of some things and just live life how I want to and just stay out of his. Even the smallest letdown - like him calling me right after class and starting a small, conversation and here I thought, "oh, he's just calling out of the blue -- he never does this - this is nice." but later to find out he wanted something for me to do for him. That hurt. But I let it go.

So he comes back home and the weekend went well. Hardly saw each other - but it went well. Friday he got home and we got along, then I had to head off right away to Iowa City for a rehearsal dinner for the videographing job I just started. Got home, watched some TV, went to bed. Saturday, woke up early, got ready for the wedding in Iowa City, which was a nice first experience, and got home by 9:30 pm just to relax and go to bed. Mike took Lucas to the park that day - I love hearing him do things like that with Lucas - and not just sitting around home playing video games (which is what I usually expect when I'm working and he's watching Lucas). Then Sunday I made plans to hang out with my mom since the day before I worked so she let me sleep in, Mike got up nicely and then began to start mowing the lawn. AMAZED! Mom decided to take Lucas and I up to Iowa City/Tiffin for her birthday and that was a great day spent with her, later meeting up with some of her friends at a park - that wasn't bad. So we came home and Mike then later got home and after Lucas' nap - we went for an evening walk around our neighborhood that lasted about an hour. was maybe the best day I've had in a really long time that not only included Mike in some of it, but my mom and Lucas. That stroll at night just kinda ended it perfect and we went to bed happy.

Monday has gone by okay. Mike spent most of the evening trying to find the Netflix BluRay that we've turned over the house looking for. We've looked everywhere. Where it shouldn't be.. where it should.. my car, etc. So he claimed it lost in the mail because I remember getting it ready to be mailed but me being me... I probably mailed it and forgot but then that means they lost it.. but I would rather say I lost it but yeah. We expected to pay for it, but... I guess we don't have to now. We'll return it if we find it but doubt it. And I got up in the attic and Mike handed me broken moving boxes up their to get more room downstairs and so that was nice I couldn't have done it without him. And he finally called US Cellular to fix our service and save us money after three months of asking him.

So all in all... Mike is like slowly changing and I'm trying not to be mad and communicating with him, etc. But as he's doing these simple little things I have to keep in mind that usually when he does start doing better - and I don't mean to sound like a bitch - but usually shortly after he starts just letting me down and I feel like crap because I started trusting him in that sense... and so... I can't let this get to me. I like not expecting anything, because then it feels like it's so much more... but at the same time it's like... he should be doing this anyway and it shouldn't be a big deal. I don't know. Maybe I'm just truly a woman and just can't make up my mind. I don't know. Sometimes... I just feel crazy.

I was disappointed on not being able to find out the sex of the baby. I went in just thinking "this is it, we'll know" and walking out almost cursing at the baby for crossing their legs LOL. well not really... but ya know. But she did say that my placenta is very low and unless it rises it could be candidate for a C-section. So, depending what the doctor wants to know later - I may get another ultrasound, etc. But it was neat seein' the baby for the 1st time. Such an amazing thing this life is.

Well.. that's it.

Cocaine Skin {April 3, 2010}

Current Music: Cocaine Skin by Broken Social Scene

So Easter is tomorrow and I think we're going to have a wonderful meal. My mom, Uncle Don, his Wife Vicky, his son Jacob, my Papa, Carl and us will all be in our home for our 1st Easter. Didn't ever see that coming in the last year - but I guess I never thought of events like this... but they are wonderful, even when they are with Mike's family. I am sometimes torn between the families, trying to please everyone, and I know ultimately - that's what Mike tries to do too but sometimes people get hurt because we're human, and because we are that, we are attached to those people and can be hurt too. Of course, this is my clear thinking, get me in that situation and I'm just hurt and mad - haha. But at the end of the day, I always have the best time and it had been time well spent - never wasted. That's the thing with family - is that with friends, they disappoint you and you can always thing "man, coulda done something better" - or at least that's my experience with some of my friends, even my true friends I consider as family sometimes... But with family, despite the disappointments or hurt - it's time well spent. So anyway - we're having 8 lbs of Chuck Roast that we're beginning to cook here in about 30 minutes, should be yummy! My mom helped out money wise, but honestly, I think we could have handled it but I appreciate it. Then we're serving fresh fruit (strawberries, bananas, grapes, cantaloupe, watermelon, and something else...), green bean casserole, hot rolls and Pinot Noir/Grape Juice. Then my uncle is bringing some potatoes, my mom is bringing doubled eggs and has three Kathy's Pies (the best) - Strawberry Rhubarb, Peach, and my favorite, Chocolate Silk. Sounds amazing! Super excited!

Mike asked if he could come sleep in bed two nights ago... When I had already invited him days ago, and even was emotionally torn when day after day he'd choose downstairs. That just hurt... He didn't want to be close to me, even if that meant sitting close to me if that meant he had to move (as my back hurts). As a woman, I want to be close, whether it's physically or emotionally - I was getting neither - especially after I told him that if he "needed" sex as a man... That I wasn't getting what I needed from him and how can I want to give myself to him for his needs if I don't feel connected...? He never didn't answer that - of course I was on a rage of emotion and hurt and madness.... I wouldn't answer me either, but I'd try to make it better... and it hasn't been, and it's sad because he's leave for school for a week on Sunday night. But ever since an argument last weekend (we've fought three weekends in a row now...), he's been doing better with communicating with me about Lucas and what he plans to do, etc. It's helped me a lot more to not be mad at him.

My back still hurts. I looked on a diagram and read up on it and it's my Sciatic nerve and it effects my hips, butt, leg, ankles and feet. I haven't done much work today and don't understand why it hurts so bad tonight... It's even hard going to the bathroom or getting up from sitting. Crazy. Good thing I go Monday to Physical Therapy. We'll see what we can do there... And I am soo excited that in 5 days we'll know the sex of the new baby!!! I haven't even really considered it being a boy, I really think it's a girl but I want another boy but now it's so weird - haha!

Life is getting better slowly, and I'm taking one day at a time - or I try to. If it wasn't Easter Sunday tomorrow and I had to get ready for Easter Lunch then I think I'd be up to going to church alone (or with Mike, if he got up), but on that note, he got up great today, before 10am, I was very pleased.

Jesus is the reason for ALL seasons