Song: I believe in you
Artist: Tyler HIlton
So it's been a while. And to sum up the last couple months - life's been good. Difficult at times with the stain of two kids under the age of two... but I still wouldn't give it for the world.
Though my pregnancy wasn't all easy with back pain and the emotional rollercoaster of depression, my labor and delievery was amazing! I was laughing through it and asking them if I could just not push because it was the best I'd felt in a long time phycially... But they made me and it wasn't hard at all. And on my husband's 25th birthday (September 7) at 8:33pm my daughter, Zoey Marae, was born. I questioned if it had really happened... She's so amazing
She wants to be held conetantly... Maybe that's just her calling of whats inside her. As women, we need to know we're loved and talked to paid attention to, etc. Maybe that's just what she needs. Lucas didn't. But I still love her and though I get stressed and everything, I work it out and come up with the energy even chasing around Lucas. And Lucas is great too. He may be jealous but he hardly shows it and he still kisses on her when he doesn't think you're looking. If you put her in his lap he pushes her away but if you have your head turned he'll go up to her, hug and kiss her and try to pick her up. Such a loving brother. He does check on her when she's crying and I've just fallen in love with him again with all this. I love both my children.
But there's a part of me that's still missing and the only real reason I'm motivated to write, is watching OTH (s08e06) and then realizing that ProVideo is giving me an oppurtunity to video edit a wedding. I have been just craving to edit something and be creative along with just wanting to work and get out of the house. I used to work all the time then I just stopped to be with my kids but there's still a part of me that wants to work, that wants to serve... Even if it's in a church or editing in my own home. Just something to know that I am accomplishing something. And it just sometimes feels without it, I'm not enough for me. I know Mike likes me staying at home and my mom supports it, but for me, it's just not enough. I don't feel totally whole - and not because I really yern for it... it's something to be praised for. Something to know that I can be good at something else in this world than being a mom or wife or homemaker (and I know I'm not great at those things). Yeah..
And this song, "I believe in you". It's just become this season's soundtrack. I've been having these dreams/and nightmares and this song just really explains how I feel sometimes towards it and it's just sometimes bitter-sweet on the understanding of the songs and the dreams. They are not geared to my family or life right now, but something completely different and not real and as much as I try to shut them out they keep coming back when I least expect it and then I'm just lost because I feel that if I say them outloud I'm crazy or a bad person or something... And it's not like murdering anything or anyone it's just not what's supposed to be... And there's a couple people who know about it... tried to tell them just to see if that would help but it hasn't. But it's okay.
Anyway, life is perfect. Don't like the thought of winter coming up but that's alright. It's life. My husband is at school making a better life for us. He's so amazing and has done a great job helping with Lucas now that's Zoey's here. I love my family!
