All The Right Moves {June 5, 2010}

So, proud of myself, I got some help. I'm on Prozac to help with my craziness. It's been helping a bit more. Waking up better. Better attitude. More alert. Not driving through stop lights (which is good because in CR, it's photo enforced now). Just, doing better, slowly. I still have my days. I'm learning to communicate frustration or disappointment with Mike better, though I know I have my flaws too. I guess I have to admit that I know he sees them and will sometime pin me for it... but that's just being paranoid. I really don't know where him and I stand right now... it's not good, not bad... it just is... but maybe that's just a season we're going through. I wish he'd pay more attention to Lucas instead of playing video games. There's been some mornings he hasn't complained about getting up with Lucas but little comments like "Deserae will you change Lucas' diaper because you're here." I told him as Lucas' father, he should just do it... and he again said... "but you're here now." It's like... really? He wasn't even joking because he put it off for 15-20 minutes. Just makes me angry. But he's also been saying he appreciates things I do more, etc. So, there are good days and bad days. Some days I feel loved, other days I feel taken for granted.

Lucas is begining to walk and he is on a roll! I'm glad Mike's been able to witness Lucas learning. Some working dads, and mom, don't get to. Again, we are blessed. Lucas has been getting hot in the house, so sometimes we have to put on the A/C, otherwise he throws fits (because he doesn't know what's going on, etc.). He still takes warm milk better than cold (used to formula being warm water), but will take it cold most the time. He eats anything you'll give him. Learns from the dog (like putting paper in his mouth... or eating dog food). He's learning so much... so fast... it's quiet amazing! We cut his hair and all I could think about is "omg, my brother has come back from the dead" it's crazy, but now that I'm getting used to it, I know Lucas is still MY son, not my brother, not my mother's son, and I love him, so much! He is still, such an amazing lil boy! Who is now 32 inches long and 26lbs!

The baby girl in my belly is kickin' away as I write this. She's been very active lately. I have missed this feeling. It's still weird thinking I'll have a girl... I just had thought 2 boys, then a girl. But we came up for a name for her and it's becoming realer, although we're not sharing with family/friends.

Work is great, I love my job as a videographer. Sometimes it's stressful, but most days it's great days. Got my old friend Jasmine a job working for First Kiss. So maybe we'll become closer again, and I can let all the hurt go, etc.

I am eating skittles. yumm..

Back/legs/butt still hurts a lot from this pregnancy. Not to mention I fell yesterday on the street and scrapped up my knee and hurt my other foot. It was hard moving around at the wedding today.

That's about it... hormones are still here... I'm not liking who I've become lately... I'm meaner to people, without knowing it... so.. really need to work on that and what I say. At least I'm to a point where i can start listening to sermons again, etc. praying... some days don't want to do it but always feels better afterwards.

Love my boys and my lil girl in me!