Every Now & Then {December 30, 09}

Every now and then I get
a little wrapped up in myself
and I...
I can't see you reaching
Every now and then I get
a little overwhelmed by the world
and I can't hear you calling
Every now and then I get
a little tired of my reflection
and I want to break the mirror
And every now and then I get
blinded by my own perception
and I need to see you clearer.

Sometimes it seems as if right when I make things right and I feel like I'm doing okay, someone - anyone, comes and says that I just fail them and I let myself go back down. I never used to be this way, never used to be able to cry (and that's not such a bad thing, in cleanses us when we cry), never used to maybe care that much... But it brings me down so much that I feel like I just got to stop living what I love to adapt and make people happy. Sometimes when it's Mike, I just want to stop caring what I care about. When it's inlaws, I just feel like I have to neal to their wants and not take a stand for what I want or what I feel what's best for my family. When it's my mom, I just don't know what to do with anything. And I just feel so vaurnable and yet so numb.

My mom hung up on me yesterday when I just mentioned that I was with family. So today I call her and she has an attitude and I tried being the adult one and actually ask her what I did wrong. She was hurt by the video I posted of Lucas' first Christmas. She said there was my dad, Mike's family - but non of her. I guess what she didn't know was there were two parts - youtube cut my video into two. I can't control that, and obviously I couldn't control that she was last in line to see us on Christmas. Which I knew would bother her and it hurt me as well, but it turned out a good day and I just don't know what to say to that. Videos on youtube or facebook comments (from me or others) have caused more trouble in my life than just about anything else. Granite, I don't love facebook, but I love posting videos of Lucas and video editing. So, my heart is aching and I just want it all to stop. So I'm thinking just to shut down youtube and or make videos for myself or just none at all. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and that also hurts me. This way I feel and what I've been taught to be. To stand up and be my own person... and after having the baby and getting married I just seem to push myself into a corner when it comes to people being disappointed in me. It's things like this that used to make me feel to go out and forget it all.

And on that note, I have this idea for a video... but I'd need to get out. Mike is supportive of my editing and only shown some interest in what I actually make. He doesn't want too much part in my life when it comes to editing; which makes me sad because I love to edit my own life - not word by word, but some type of music video. So what else am I to do to get that footage? I wish I felt like I was before when I didn't care and I'd go anywhere for what I wanted to film. I love my life but sometimes I wonder what I would have made my life if I'd just gone to Florida. Just a thought... I love my little boy and I love my husband. Had it not been for Lucas I may have not married as soon, not been so sure of things, and may have gone to Florida. I'm not exactly complaining what my life has turned out to be or will be, and I know my dreams aren't dead - but they are put on hold and seems like I'll never be able to get where I want... But my 1st and ultimate dream is my children. I know with all confidence.

I need to go get pictures done of Lucas. Mike doesn't care too much so I'll have to do it. It's really all I wanted out of Christmas, is a picture of Mike, lucas and I and to make a greeting card. I've almost given up on all of that... it wasn't out of selfishness but to send to our families because I don't get out much to get pictures developed to send to Grandparents, etc. I just have to do it my own.

My car needs fixed and it's getting colder by the day. My grandfather and his friend knew my car wheel was broke and when they first found out the came straight over to the house and fixed it. Mike - no, I ask him to do it and he says 'alright.' I come home and he's playing video games and says it's too cold. Well yea but are you going to leave it like that all winter? Cause it's going to be cold all winter... I just walked up to the house from a good day with family and I just hurt and got a bit angry. These games are just getting on my nerves. I feel I can't ask anything of him sometimes without him making an excuse or busy with a game. "Can you take him, my stomach hurts." - yeah, well mine does too but I don't try to tell you, I just try to politely ask you and somewhat expect you to help me without an excuse.... That's how it feels most the time. Excuses and Complaining. I do most of what I am asked without a thought of anything. I do sometimes, no lying there, but I'm used to it. Sometimes I just let Lucas be if he needs something until Mike feels like he Needs to do it. I dont mind though, I do that just about every day. I know it's not a 50/50 relationship and I like that... but it's not like Mike gives his 100% either as I do try to. He's just a game man... and yes, sometimes Mike surprises me and it makes me happy... But the words "always" and "never" sometimes hang in my hurt. That's just human I guess. We are to be working on being like Christ.

Every now and then
you whisper peace to me
with your tender words
unexpectedly
When I'm at the end
and taking my last breath
and drowning in my pride
I got nothing left.
Oh and I can see you
coming around the bend
Yeah, you're taking me
to that place again.
Every now and then...

FFH

Christmas {December 27, 09}

What a wonderful Christmas. Everything turned out how it was needed to be and having Christmas with my mom later wasn't as bad and hurtful as I thought it might. Next year though I do still expect to make her a priority. That did hurt my feelings and that's how it is. It was maybe my best Christmas in a very, very long time... Maybe as far back as when my brother and Granny was alive. Lucas got spoiled. I got spoiled, as did Mike. Really without all the gifts it would have still been perfect. Jesus is the reason for All seasons.

I went out last night, trying to help a coworker and be there for her, she'd had a really rough Christmas with her family so she wanted to go out. I was up for getting out of the house, didn't expect to drink as much as I did, so I took the car. Turns out I made other friends (and she just did her own thing... which was really disappointing because I wanted a girls night). Matt Rissi (DJ Sonar) was at Bricks and it was nice to be around that, it's been a long time. So anyway, things didn't go the way I expected and all of a sudden all the cabs are taken and then I thought I lost my keys (no I wasn't going to drive) so I started to walk and my phone was completely dead and no one was around but then I found people with phones and had Mike come get me. I knew he was disappointed in me, but he got over it fast. I've decided that I need to slow it down a bit - he doesn't mind me getting out of the house, even without him, but we just need to watch money, and not put myself in a situation of not being able to get home (granite we live like a 30 minute walk). So lesson learned. I'm still just trying to figure this whole thing out. I don't go out next until the 8th, in which I do expect a girls night - but I know from experience that scene doesn't make me happy but what does is my man and my lil boy.

So that's really about. Just a great Christmas and I'm very grateful for our life all together and things may get rough but I know we can get through anything - we have an amazing support system; our family.

Found out that the HD camera from Canon that I want is like $1,100. But I don't mind saving and waiting. I also want to get different edited software (sony vegas upgrade) but not until the camera comes along. I got a break maker, 3 Crockpots (going to take one back) and a lot more but those things I really wanted. I need to start cooking for my family. So I also got cookbooks :)

God has blessed us.
Start the new year we're going to be doing devotionals together.

The Start of the Storm {December 23, 2009}

This morning it wasn't as bad as I thought it'd might be. I got everything for Lucas ready last night (at 2am!) so I'd be ready to go. Woke up at 5am to leave and prayed before I left to keep us safe and everyone safe. Woke up a bit late at Heathers and thought Austin was late for the bus in the case I called Heather just to find out he had no school. Stupid me LOL. No wonder there wasn't a cancellation on the KCRG website cause they simply had no school. HAHA. So I was running on 3.5 hours of sleep and got the boys ready to leave for my house (that took forever!). Mike didn't have to work today because his boss didn't want him stranded in IC, which was good! So he was up and knew I hadn't slept much and watched the boys and let me sleep until 2:30pm - that was nice of him!

When I woke up it was raining and it's supposed to rain all tomorrow which isn't good for 1. Flooding and 2. Ice, right before Christmas. So I pray that all will stay safe!

Today's a good day.

Mom stopped over unexpectedly and saw Lucas crawl a lil bit. It was nice lil time spent together. Sometimes with her 'advice' / telling me what to do I just never know what to expect with her and how I'll feel or react. Last night I had a dream of me telling her off... never a good thing... thought it was real but wasn't. I need to be patient and understand that I have my own family now and I need to tell her if something is bothering me and be kind about it.

I hope all will go well with the weather so we can see family over Christmas. Mike's quote "I'm not scared of this snow, I can drive through anything." Ha. Well, I hope he can but I'm not up to risking our lives. I trust him with my life but... black ice is dangerous and there are stupid drivers out there. I want to see family too but it's just not worth it.

LOVE MY BOYS!!

Here It Comes... {December 22, 2009}

Here comes the wintery storm, supposedly. Three days of snow and the whole week getting colder by the day. I'm not a huge fan of winter, or snow, or cold; but boy is it beautiful. I love the light snow late at night. My mom, grandma and I used to go for walks and at the time I didn't appreciate it and now I miss it. The time spent with my mom and my Granny. But now she's gone and my brother is too and I have my own family that I can drag along with me if I'd wish. Okay, well maybe not this year considering Lucas is 7 months old today... but come later years. I actually look forward to that.

Lucas began really crawling last night. Moving both his legs and arms to move forward. I have never really had to watch him on the floor, but last night was interesting, and a lil annoying. But boy, that boy can move but as he has become to like the camera, he doesn't want to show the camera he can actually crawl. Just scoots. That's alright, I still love him and I am so grateful to be able to be at home and watch him learn these new things. He is still an amazing, happy little boy who loves everyone.

I'm a bit hurt and disappointed about Christmas. Mike said that this year we could spend more time with my mom for Christmas (and not hog me/Lucas to his family) and that has totally flipped. We're going to Cedar Falls (depending on weather now...) so early that my mom doesn't want to spend Christmas and her feelings were hurt and though Mike says that he feels he tries to please everyone it's so hard to see that he's trying to please my family or me. That sounds selfish. But you look at my perspective and you see that he's being selfish and we talked about it and he realizes it's selfish too (so I'm not crazy after all!). So next year... we are spending Christmas morning with my mom. I just am disappointed and hurt myself. I have sacrificed a lot this past year... Changed my whole life and even partially forgotten who Deserae really is when she's alone or in a crowded room and I just want some normal in my life. Something I know to be true. And I'm just trying to adapt to this new, huge, loving family that I'm not exactly used to... It's just different and hard. But as his wife I am trying to go along with it and not take things as personal because I know Mike loves me and he treats me well, so I should look past all this.

My friend Jas and I (yeah, I'm calling her my friend again?) planned a get together at Volume Jan 8th to get together with some middle school friends that we were super close to and catch up. For those under 21 we'll go out to eat before hand. Just another night to maybe find a piece of myself. Mike wont be there and I realize though he doesn't like the music or people that I need to make myself realize that I'm not two different people and my spouse should be included in that life if it's going to become habit. I guess it feels like the only 'out' for me. But anyway, hopefully all will show and it'll be a good night. I've really missed that girl Jas, so I asked her not to bring her boyfriend - or husband - or anyone really... who knows with that girl... so I can have her to myself and it'll be like a girls night out how it once was a long time ago. Maybe I'm nieve, because her boyfriend and her aren't doing very well and she's moving back to CR and she'll probably hook up with some other guy and fall in love within a week... "The more things change, the more things stay the same."

Watching the two boys of Heathers is alright. I mostly get Riley, he's about two or three. He's learning that I'm strict but fun and he can't push me over. Going over to their house with Lucas isn't too bad, we both just need to wake up earlier than we have to be there on time and get Heather up and help her out. Hopefully I'll be getting paid for this soon, but she's been helping us along as well. It's hard to take things from people when all you're really doing is trying to help... but if it's going to be more regular then sure I'll take money.. and not from her, from the State. So that works. She only lives like 8 minutes away.

So Merry Christmas. I need to make Lucas a snow outfit that actually fits him...

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Gimme More {December 20, 2009}

Last night was fun. Made about $40 at work and the girls wanted me to go out so Mike dropped me off at Volume and met up with some people from work/friends. It's been so long since I've gone out - and I've missed it. I'm not sure what exactly I missed about it. Maybe the dancing? The drinks? Being social? Being out on my own with nothing to worry about? I met this guy at work and he kinda made it his goal to keep tabs on me throughout the night, I guess I still have the skill of losing people when I'm out cause I just kinda disappeared on him but one of my friends found me - not that I was that wasted I just go with the flow and well... that place was packed! Dancing without a care (except getting guys off my back - just stayed with the girls), just missed it. The lights, the bass... Mike doesn't really share that outlook, so it's hard to think he'll ever enjoy himself when I want to go out. I don't have a problem with him going out, I love dancing with him, but he hates the music and I don't believe he likes the crowd. It was just really nice because I could just do my own thing, and being married is awesome because I'm so sure of myself. By the end of the night my friends took me home and just went to bed.

Just Not Enough {December 15, 2009}

Felt pretty dark lately. I believe their just mood swings, though it's weird, I feel like I've felt like this before. Not sure if I feel paranoid or angry or bitter or hurt or numb. The feeling will just hit me and I try to be happier and surround myself with my son or Mike but... not sure.

Quitting smoking and having Mike around all week will be hard. Just today as we were working on a Christmas gift - he'd be short tempered as was I and then I got short tempered with him and then it just didn't go very well. It's so easy to do things the easier way then the harder way and accomplish a goal or whatever you're doing. So disappointed in myself because I didn't want to put up with us on each others heals today so I just said go get more cigarettes and then we smoked like a whole pack in less than 17 hours. It's been a long time since we've done that but I just wish I was stronger and more stubborn in the way that I just wont smoke if he does and not stubborn in the way that if he smokes I feel the need to smoke or it's not fair. That's just childish. But I also wish that he would be the leader in our relationship and just say 'no' or step up when it comes to this. But again, I feel I should be able to do that anyway so I can't be mad at him for that.

Went to visit my dad tonight - that was nice. They got to see Lucas and they are always happy to see him. He's gotten big in the last month and I wish they saw him more like the other grandparents do.

it's super cold outside. I don't like it I wish it were warmer here. There's a lot to be done, plus watching the kids the rest of the week.

Love my boys!

Wonder Of It All {December 13, 2009}

Currently Listening To: Wonder of it All - Monday Morning
Current Mood: Content

I've tried lately to keep a clear mind; more positive. God's blessed me with a clear mind that we'll be okay when it comes to money and the next couple months. Mike got laid off from his job on Friday. We saw it coming with recent events. His boss said that he would be hired back if he hadn't found a job by the time they were hiring back. It upsets me that the lay off people right before Christmas - what news!? But really what time is a good time? I guess at least now we'll get the house more in order - there are still boxes upstairs, but downstairs is getting a bit settled.

We're supposed to stop smoking by tonight... Don't think that'll happen. It's hard not to smoke when Mike continues. I really feel horrible when I say I will and then I believe that we'll quit soon and then we don't. Or something comes up and Mike is just so stubborn that he says he's smoking and I just go along with it. What else am I supposed to do? I suppose I should just follow through with what I need to do and pray that he follows. But that really didn't work for me after I got pregnant. I really wish I hadn't started smoking. We'd save a lot of money not smoking... And we got Mike's Christmas Present with the deal that we'd stop smoking and put that money towards savings. Disappointment - but mostly in myself.

That's usually what it all leads down to. My disappointment in Mike leads to more disappointment in myself. In the factor that I can't help him the way he needs help, even if I try to be patient. Comments that have been made of "Lucas you wouldn't get sick if you're mommy was still breastfeeding." That just hurt and I really wanted to lash out but I didn't. I just don't want to fight. I've accepted that I've done all I can, it's just that it hangs on my shoulders sometimes and I just want it to stop. I've already tried explaining and asking to stop - what more can I do about that? I will probably do things a little bit different next kid around with feeding it but I did 6 months and my body just stopped so.... that's the end of that story. But then there's disappointment of my expectations of Mike or plans for the day that don't get fulfilled. It's hard staying at home and I get subconsciously excited when I'm told there's more in store tomorrow. Is that wrong? I'm not sure how others do it, but then again, I'm not sure how working moms can do their busy lives, etc. I am very grateful that my husband lets me stay at home while he works... And I do have high expectations that I've tried to lower. Sometimes it's better to just leave the house when Mike sleeps in. My mom even told me to give him a break because of the stress of being laid off. I should listen but even when I do, my heart is restless.

For my birthday my dad got me a new music deck for my car and when Mike started to put it in it didn't work and started messing up my electrical work in my car. I've had problems with my Chrystler whether it be the locks or fixing my car (it's just soo complicated and difficult!). So my inner lights don't work (my dash does) and my auto locks don't work along with a few other things. Tonight though my car locked us out of the car, despite we had the keys to unlock it. We tried for a good time to break into my car (short of breaking a window or ruining my car). So most likely tomorrow we'll have to spend $40-80 on a locksmith. Great.

I want a puppy, because their cute LOL. But with a baby and kids over on top of it's a pet that will have to be let out when we're gone... Lots of responsibility and I've got enough of my leash. But they are soo cute... And there's always the unfairness that I explained to Mike that I'd rather never have a dog to never have a cat. So... yeah. I'm not bowing down to that, even no matter how cute this one puppy is I want. Got to stand my ground now.

About that whole hate mail thing... My mom and I were talking about it and I'm beginning to think it was someone who I just went out with Friday night. We had a fun time and everything, but she was pretty bitter to me at the time that email was sent and it was some things about she'd know well about. I thought I knew who it might had been and I narrowed it down but... what if? I don't even want to go to approching her about it even if she knows about it and was explained to her... but.. What do I do? I don't see her that much anymore but... Whatever, they were bluffing and just trying to make me feel as miserable as they are. Just bothers me on who it could had been.

I don't believe Mike liked my video... Or understood it? But everyone else seemed to like it. It was for me anyway so I don't mind.

So I believe my mom is coming early on Christmas to open presents at my house. Maybe Mike's parents will come?? I should ask them, that would be nice. Not that Lucas has tons of presents but it's more about just being there for his first Christmas. I can't believe he's going to be 7 months! But then we're going to Mike's cousin's house for Christmas with his grandparents and everyone and that should be nice. Cant wait to see their house, I saw it last year when they first started building it. Then we might go to my moms and watch a movie. That's our Christmas. Maybe Christmas Eve with Mike's parents and later my dad.

Lucas' hair is getting darker - it's so strange how I don't notice these things change until someone else notices or I look back on pictures. He's stilling by himself upright pretty well, but doesn't always know his boundries to falling forward or back. He's such a happy baby, even when he's sick. He's recovering though, it's been about half a month. I'm still recovering from my cold too. He's learned to lay on his belly and turn himself. He can move around back and forth in his walker. I am so blessed.

This song by Monday Morning called "Wonder Of It All (Next Year)" is so inspiring. I heard it a couple years ago and just fell in love. I wish I could make a video of it if I had footage of it. Maybe I'll specificlly make something for it. It really starts to question some things in life but comes to realize that "I'm still nothing without You". And truly I am nothing without God and it's amazing how far he's brought me. Who will I be next year? And looking back at last year and who I was... About this time I was still fighting with Mike and questioning if we were going to be together in a year or even in months. A lot of hurt and anger I had to let go after that time. Look where we are now though and I'm so glad I got rid of that anger.

"And the wonder of it all, is that I'm still standing. And the wonder of it all is we're still standing. Never planned it. And I wonder - where I'll be next year."

I'm Only Human {December 10, 2009}

Last night I spent most of it editing this video that I cut the audio down that's called "Flowers for a Ghost" by Thriving Ivory. The lyrics... "I'm Only Human" I loved the song and originally heard the song from another video that just made me cry so I decided to make my own. I haven't been video blogging in a long time - the move to the house was one thing and my piece of mind didn't help either in the aspect that I may say something that might hurt someone ultimately hurting myself emotionally which is where I already was. So this video is videos of myself over the last 2 years from blogs and other videos. Some may say that it's self obsorbed - which, yeah, it is... but it also reminds me of each vlog that I posted and how I felt and where it got me to where I am today. I miss editing - thinking of how to put things together to music that can make someone think about their lives or situation, etc. This video makes me stronger surprisingly to what a video like it may had made me weaker and look in the past and dwell in it. I used black and white to display 2007, the toughest and stupidest year of my life. Most of those clips are of me smiling... but truly I wasn't happy and I know that and in knowing that, those smiles don't mean much to me at all. It's amazing how a person can be so miserable and either not know it or don't care enough to change whatever they're doing or whatever they are searching for - like I didn't. But as the video goes on it shows that I get happier, pregnant, and though some days were hard for me while I was pregnant - at the end of the video I am truly happy and finally found what I'd been searching for all along. One thing not in there is my relationship with God and since Mike isn't a video person or doesn't tape me or take pictures... I have to deal with what I got and the randomness of making this video it's not like I shot it myself. This video isn't for anyone but really myself, for me to look back and see how far I've come and just the pure enjoyment of editing.

Lately, with that hate mail and a few friends that I've strayed from - there's this pattern of people thinking that I'm full of myself. How can I be? Most nights I lay in bed and tell Mike that I'm somehow unhappy with myself (not with my life but with me). I don't understand this about myself which makes me more upset because my life is sooo easy and full of love and support; but as I've mentioned before I just need to find myself in the roles that I've come to take on this year. I am pleased that I don't use bad habits in the times that I'm hurting to get rid of the pain or hide it. Infact, I usually just take on the problem or whatever it is head on and just be stubborn - but then usually I feel alone. Anyway, it's all a circle there - like I said, just still figuring it out. Maybe I'll find it in another song or something.

I did agree to watch my friend's kids daily. We'll go to their place around 6am (ohh that is early to be carting a baby around for a stay-at-home mom!) and then get Austin on his school bus. Then around 11am I'll take Riley to day care (because Heather wants him around other kids since he's sooo shy and will feel comfortable at school once he comes of that age). They are good kids but, kids are kids and I'm new to being a mom. Mike is a little bit better when it comes to discipline and being strict when he needs to be. Though I'm sure when Lucas gets older and I have to do that maybe on a more regular basis I will feel more comfortable. HAHA.

Stop & Stare {December 9, 2009}

So it's another snow day. Reports are showing that it's snowed 11.5 inches in the last two days. Crazy. People can't go to work, like Mike, crashing cars, can't get out of their homes... Crazy. Thankfully Mike is a good driver through the snow and smart. He got out today to buy shoves as well as help our friend Heather (who's kids we've been watching) get to work and back. He shoved as I watched the kids and cleaned the house. I've been quiet motivated today. I got some laundry done today, organizing, kitchen cleaned, living room/den and Lucas' room cleaned. There's a lot that needs to be organized still downstairs - my computer desk being one thing! Upstairs is another story. There's still things in boxes and clothes need to be put away in the right places. For now my sewing machine is downstairs on the kitchen table. I've got to wash some fabrics to get ready to sew some pj pants for Christmas gifts. The boys have stayed behaved except for Riley not wanting to eat, Mike took care of that though. I cannot believe as I'm posting this it's only 5pm, from outside it looks to be 7 or 8pm. Oh, we have "pre"marital counciling to go to tonight - not sure if they will have it though, need to find out. It's hard to go to that since it seems like we've already been through it all. Lucas has been very happy today. He is really enjoying his toys. He's been growling quiet a bit and just making a racket! I love that little boy - he is so sweet. He's learning to hold his arms out as we come to pick him up. He likes studying our faces, touching them, grabbing, clawing them... Ouch. But our home is staying warm and we are happy - though I really want to get out of the house. Oh well. Snow Days.

The First Snow {December 8, 2009}

Current Mood: Happy
Listening To: Mr. Writer - Stereophonics

Today is the first real day it's snowed where we live. It's snowed throughout the state for some good hours. People always forget how to drive in snow each year; it drives Mike and I crazy. They just stop in the middle of the road as they're turning, we almost crashed into someone but my husband has excellent skill. Mike was off work today due to his co-worker having a different assignment that he couldn't do so snow day for him. We went and got my hair cut

and paid some bills, ate at Panera and had brocolli and cheese soup (yummy!). Don't have my friend's two kids today, which was good for the errand run. Tomorrow maybe I will let them play in the snow in the back yard. I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to have them all day, half day or not at all on a more regular basis. I'm home anyway and I'll get paid to watch them from the state. Hmmm... I doubt that I wont watch them at all. It'll just confide me more at home and keep me busy with Lucas and the two of them. Plus I'll be helping my friend out, always a plus!

I would like to either find another job that gives me a few more hours than the one I have now that only gives me like 6 hours a week. Maybe learn bartending up the street. Wish I could come into some video editing. If we had the money and the economy was better I'd go for making my own business - gotta spend money to make money though. Who knows, with my new sewing machine I could make some extra cash.

Yesterday was a good day - I started playing with my sewing machine and made a bag and really was excited that I made a straight line and it didn't break (the fabric, or the machine). It's amazing how I learn so much more if I'm shown it, I remembered just about everything that was shown to me last week. Course, what I'm making are these microwave warm bags and I bought corn and I think I bought cheap popcorn for farm animals. HAHA! I'm not sure, I'll have to test it again but still excited about all that I can do with the sewing machine! I even called my mom and thanked her, made her smile - which was another attempt to my call.

My half brother had his baby a couple weeks ago. So excited about that! I know he loves being a dad - even waking up in the middle of the night because he told me he just loves to hold her. Laura, Steve's girlfriend, is doing well though the C-section stress must had been hard on her. The love of your child - is so unbelievable.

Lucas is still getting over his cold that started around Thanksgiving. He is 22 lbs, 33 inches long at 6.5 months old! Crazy! He is outgrowing 12 month clothes and the 18 month clothes are a bit big for him.

I do love winter for a few reasons but one of them is that I usually get really into imagining videos with music in my head and ideas. That and I'm just really connected through music. We'll see about this year having a baby and all...

Hopefully I continue to appreciate my days more - not taking things so seriously and pestimistic. I've just been down lately and I really just need to take it, instead of dwell in it or be hurt by it. A lot of changes in life right now, I'm just learning how to cope with all of them. Life isn't hard, it's just very very different and sometimes I just don't know how to handle my emotions. Something inside me changed after having the baby; feels like I became more human - or girl. :)