I Don't Want To Fight This War {March 28, 2010}

Yesterday he said my eyes
Were fading fast away
I said well what do you expect
You asked me not to stay
and if it had all been for the best
I wouldn't feel this way
And he said

Oh he said it's crazy
How love stays with me, yeah
You know it hurts me
Cause I don't wanna fight this war
It's amazing
to see me reading through this scene of love and fear
and apologies
{{Apologies - Grace Potter & The Nocturnals}}

This song has meant so much to me and gotten me through so much in the last year and a half with Mike. The second verse was more relvent last time I was pregnant with Lucas for the fact that Mike had to go outside to smoke when it was so cold and the smoke bothered me and we fought about it all the time... The smoking issue hadn't been an issue until today I find out it's becoming one again. Instead of cigars, it's cigarettes again only this time... I just don't care anymore. It hurts, so much to say that. I had guessed he went back, but I guess I just put myself in denial or maybe even put a little more faith in him. I thought he was cutting down... He says he doesn't know what it's like to handle stress without them, and with working and me getting on him and for a week his hernea stitches had been hurting him (news to me today) - he just can't do it without. Granite, I didn't smoke as much for how ever long - but I have those desires too. Like drinking and smoking... Only I've chosen to stop for someone I love. It's a choice to be pregnant and not to smoke or drink, and this time, honestly, I could probably smoke throughout but I just can't do that to the baby. That's not me, that's not my heart... Anyway.. Point is, is that I have stress too and I have less 'outs' for myself to handle that stress the way it's easy than he does. I can't even take a drive and jam out or just relax. Anyway, that's not even the point of this rant. Just have felt like a fool for this 'I'll quit smoking" act.

But most recently we were in an arguement, or - well, I was mad at him for sleeping in til 4pm and along with a few other things on my mind, I made the comment that he was being childish and stubborn. He said to that, "well if you don't like it than you can find somewhere else to sleep tonight." Me, hurt and stubborn and lost... Said okay, went to work, came home - got Lucas and went to Anna's. Mike said Lucas was welcome to stay and didn't need to go and was about to argue with it... but seriously, what's gonna happen to Lucas in the morning-or afternoon, when Mike wont wake up to his crying... or his alarm...? Anyway... I should have never took that step to leave, Mike should have been... and discussing that little detail tonight, turns out he'll never leave his house for that reason... and that normally he wouldn't sleep on the couch either but he'll "give me that one." So leaving for me - I knew we'd be okay again - but I knew it could be a problem start in my heart. I still have love, but I just get soo tired of this and him sleeping in or playing games all day or just his stubbornness. I just am getting so depressed with all that - nothing else. Along with realizing some of our raising techniques are different - or on different timing, it's just hard. I guess I'm always telling him to do stuff, when I hardly ask anything from him at all.

There was just so much discussed today that I'm pretty sure it didn't all click in there for him. One subject would lead here or there and never stay on track. One thing did stick I know and that was "you are sleeping on the couch tonight, if not a week." I just freaked on him basicly all the reasons not to have sex... but I still do despite all the 'woman reasons'. Like not feeling togetherness and getting My needs. The way he treats it sometimes is just so unromantic that I'd rather clean toilets. Stuff like that... My needs as a woman aren't being met but I still try to give him his. He says I need to tell him but I do he just doesn't listen to the actual words. One arguement he had was "what can you tolerate about me?" I had to think about it... because he wasn't asking what he did... he was asking about who he was. And that brought me to realize that I love him as a person, it's just like after a few months of being engaged (around pregnancy time), he just quit doing things. Like learning about me or trying, quit asking questions, etc. Wasn't courting me - I guess you'd put it, anymore. And that's okay, understandable... But then I realized he wasn't helping me when I would try to learn about him in these months... Gosh, I had no clue about his herna hurting. He tells people things right in front of me that seem important to know without even talking to me first about it... It's just hard to think it's only been 6 month of marriage and that I just kinda blew up and I feel like it'll happen again someday, even in the next 6 months, and this is our life. This is the beginning... And even talking to a Christian friend about her husband troubles about him not going to church and being a loner - she thinks kids might help but I really don't believe it will. It's not for me to say, though. My love has grown for Mike because of Lucas, but if anything has made our relationship complicated, even being married.

Despite all these things, I still have so much love for Mike because I love who he is as a person, just not what he does and his stubbornness. It's just hard he doesn't apply these fights and I'm just tired of fighting this. It doesn't even feel i have a partner sometimes, which is hard when you know your bound to someone.

---

So on another note... Lucas bumped his head or something tonight and his lip bled, I hate to see that, hurts me so much. He's beginning to stand for 15-30 seconds by himself. I love to see that but then it's like "no, get on your knees and crawl!" He just amazes me every day and my love just grows and grows...

Speaking of growing, I began feeling the baby butterflies a couple weeks ago and now at almost 18 weeks I am feeling the baby move. I've missed this feeling, best part of being pregnant. I have my ultrasound April 6th, and we're finding out the sex this time -- I'm soo excited! I'm looking past the "I kinda want a boy because I know what to expect" because I'm really beginning to think its a girl. I've had dreams from early pregnancy it's a girl and the heart rate on Friday was a stead 150 not to mention the wives tails of I crave sweets all the time and I had more morning sickness than last time and if I go by the chinese birth calendar I'm supposed to have a girl this year - haha! So. LOL. It's hard to imagine that I'll love anything more/the same than the moment I saw Lucas... but I told my mom that and she said she felt the same way and she said "trust me, you can. I did." So, can't wait to feel like that again because that was an amazing feeling!!!!

I have been working hard on getting my scrapbook done of "the Paige Journey" I started with our engagement, the summer, and then ultrasounds, belly pics, Lucas' birth - that's all I'm up to now but that's a lot of work! Cutting out pictures and posting them then the writing... I'm enjoying it. I've missed doing it and wish I'd done it earlier but I think I'll keep up on it now because it's already something I know I'll look back on from time to time instead of looking at pictures on my computer. Something about seeing it, hard copy, with all the cute notes, stories and stickers. plus, it'll be all ready by the time baby #2 comes! I think I printed more than 200 pictures off the other day -- that's a lot! and I plan for 90% of those to go in the book! I had a problem finding my old scrapbook book for sale in the stores so I bought two -- at this rate - I should have bought more! So hopefully I'll find them or they'll be in stock! I like it on black paper - not sure why -- maybe because I need those cool pens to write on it and what not.

Well... that was a stress reliever. I really don't like the idea of posting online anymore... but I know if I didn't, I'd never write on it again. I don't write by hand... wish I did, and have tried but just didn't keep up with it - not like I used to. Heck, I'm lucky to have one entry on this a month. That and I'm sometimes unsure if my emotions are just in the way... Like a week or so ago - I was just mad at the world or something. I wasn't mad at Mike but I wasn't being nice and I just told him that it wasn't personal and it was best to just let me be and do what he wanted. He respected that I knew the difference between my hormones and feelings, etc. So that's good.. in a sense of knowing that - not the fact my hormones were Mrs. Witch.

Oh yeah, I might have to quit my serving job because last Thursday I told my boss that I work with, Ryan, to not put me upstairs for the Saturday night shift (just incase we're busy and well... my back hurts too much) and what do you know, I get stuck upstairs because he doesn't care about his job anymore. I was about to walk out!!! I was soo mad. But, I knew there had to be a reason for him to be that way and had it gotten busy I'm sure someone would have helped me or we would have figured it out or something... So I waited... He didn't come to me, so I went to him and I told him I had thought about walking out and then he started to relay that he hated the job and just was hurt by what had been said about him or something, etc. So I'm glad I didn't walk out - not only for my own reasons having never done that before and on good status with all my past jobs - but because that would have been more stress on him, etc. I like my job there, I don't want to leave but if he's going to be like that as a manager - then I'm outta there. I don't need that. Not going to put my health on the line because the managers can't pull there crap together and get along and do their job right.

K, soo, it's late and I should start watching House Season 1 which was my intention of bringing up Mike's laptop - not to write on this but today just got to me.
I pray I get the feeling to start caring again, or have a reason to - about Mike at least... Everything else is great.
Goodnight world.

Son's Gonna Rise {March 15, 2010}

Current Music: Citizen Cope - Son's Gonna Rise
Current Mood: Torn, but alright

So I guess I'm just writing to get my thoughts out there. My mom came by today because she had a doctor's appointment and decided to come visit us. I do enjoy her visits. No one else really comes to visit us. Not Mike's parents, no one. We go to visit them, but to be honest sometimes I just get sick of always going over there we just don't go and then they don't see Lucas and then I feel bad then I just give in. Tom used to stop by with any excuse I think just to see Lucas. It just makes me wonder if it's always going to be like that... Like I've offered to go out and take pictures with them and even bond, but... I don't know.

And on that note, holidays... I have yet to really know what to do with them. My mom doesn't want to spend every Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter getting together with Mike's family. Not that she doesn't like them, because she does, but what about our family like Aunt Pat and Uncle Don and Papa? My mom might not do anything 'special' with tons of family (and she doesn't think it's bad Mike's family is soo.... family oriented) but they're still family. The couple people I thought to be important enough to invite to the wedding (because they replace my grandparents). But Mike always plays it off like "I don't know how much longer I have with my grandparents" and complains that we don't do anything and that we can get together with my family 'whenever.' It really hurt my mom about Christmas this last year. And it just seems like she always gets put on the back burner - and this isn't just Her feeling about this, it's mine, and it breaks my heart. Mike can be so selfish - though I can too. I just see this ordeal of - I married into a big family, and I change all my stuff to fit it and it doesn't seem like he considers my feelings on it. I know Kendra and Tom do, because they make an effort to invite us and make it clear that it's okay not to go with their plans. I respect that. I just hope that after I talk with Mike today about Easter - that things will seem more hopeful for the future.

The last couple days have been spring. Day light savings time has been nice, it's been so beautiful and I've been waking up early and feeling soo motivated! Lucas began walking with his car that helps him learn to walk. I know it's cool now, but it'll be frustrating once he's officially mobile. It has to happen sometime though, just wish he'd crawl a lil bit longer. You can just literally watch him learn things and it's soo neat to watch and it's hard to stop or tell him no. He doesn't much listen to "no" but he knows what it means. The only time he does is when he's really tired and just begins to cry. Other times he just looks back and smiles and continues. Really gotta work with him on that. Anyway - Mike came home yesterday from work and was so motivated he cleaned out the garage entirely. I was really hoping he'd work on my car, but I know I should just be grateful he didn't just come inside and play video games all night or lay around... Because he stayed out there all night cleaning, so yay, and who knows, maybe he's saving my car for a nicer day with a clean garage...? I've been using my phone as a radio, or Lucas and I just sing, which is always good too.

The only change in the pregnancy is that I can feel the baby flutter. With Lucas it was about 20 or 23 weeks, I'm not sure but it was a day after my birthday that I officially felt it... So I saw that as my 'birthday gift' from the baby. I do love that part about pregnancy, just love it, and even missed it when it was gone. So, it's neat that I'm feeling that and knowing what I'm feeling. I'm 16 weeks today. My appointment with the new doctor's office is next wednesday and then on Friday. Title 19 will usually pays for 2 ultra sounds but I'm okay with just one since I went to the doctor so late. I'm just curious on the sex. I'm excited though Mike's already joking (and I think it's a joke but it doesn't quiet help me...) about how I can have the 'new' baby and he can have the 'old' which --- I guess is fine in a sense but I'm going to be home all the time with them both and then he's going to come home and just take care of Lucas? That just doesn't sound right. It's bad enough I feel he doesn't do enough now or help me out. Sometimes I get soo frustrated when we're about to go somewhere because rarely ever does he help getting Lucas ready or he somehow complains. But I have learned that instead of just getting mad, I actually say something and since I'm so used to do it all on my own I just don't expect him to help after that because he gets an attitude or he's busy with a game or just feels bad since I said something. I'm not sure, but it's just hard.

The boy is up from his nap. Bath time, then I think we'll walk the mall or something. Toys R Us or something. Fun. It's colder outside today... so no walks outside. Looking forward to nicer weather though!

All In {March 8, 2010}

Current Music: Lifehouse - Smoke & Mirrors Album
Current Mood: Motivated to Clean but Writing this instead...

So, life has been good lately. There's those ups and downs. I've regained my strength and such from my 1st trimester. So happy to be out of that... For the last week or so, Lucas, Mike and I have been sick - Lucas and I longer... But we're slowly getting over that and I finally got the doctor to give Lucas something for it today. So yay! Mike is working, which is wonderful. I've had pregnancy brain, well, ever since I found out basicly. Which means I forget things, easily. Anyway, I'll start more in detail.

Pregnancy:
Now it's just accepting that I'm back into maternity clothes, right when I just got out of them and could fit into my old pants. But I figure now that I have a sewing machine and way extra time on my hands, I think I can motivate myself to start sewing with my machine and making my own clothes. Way cheaper than buying them! Who knows, maybe try to start my own business selling stuff I sew... I had to quit / put aside waitresing because it was beginning to feel like I was 7 months pregnant working instead of only 10-15 weeks. It was hurting so bad that by the time I started to relax, my body just cramped up and I couldn't move and when i did, I was in tears. That really took down my pride because I felt - well still kinda feel - that I'm failing myself, and somewhat Mike and the whole money situation. Mostly myself, because I know Mike doesn't see it that way at all - he's all supportive. But this was really my only way out of the house, social time, not baby time... Something I knew I was good at and had fun doing it and now I can't do it because my body gives out and tells me it's too much. That just hurts but the last couple weeks I haven't thought too much about it and just accepted it. I'll miss it. Just more time to practice sewing? Be with Lucas... etc. Other than that my morning sickness is gone. I've felt good (besides being sick). I've been having new cravings... Last pregnancy I was craving rootbeer... but this time I'm just in love with rootbeer floats - so that's always in the fridge. Oh, and chocolate cake with frosting, which we just made, yumm! Cotton Candy, Strawberry smoothies, Crab/Lobster. A lot of things NOT good for me, so I don't indulge all of them :) Sometimes I'm more concerned about Mike because he eats more than me, sweets, and last time he blamed me for his "sympathy weight." Well not this time buddy, so now I'm actually making him aware of what he's eating. What else... Oh, I'm not as big or weigh as much as I did with Lucas. I actually lost 5 lbs and kept it off for a good 5-10 weeks. I'm just beginning to gain weight, which is good, because I was beginning to get concerned. I guess the upset stomach just never helped earlier so i didn't eat as much. But boy do I love flinstones vitamines :)

Lucas:
Oh, he's soo big! Today we went to the doctor and he was 32 inches and 25 lbs. he's still in 18 month pants and 24mo/2T shirts. But he is healthy, he's just always been big. He is at such an awesome age right now. You can literally watch him learn and repeat it back to you. He's learned that he can close/open doors, and he's beginning to walk along the couch really good and crawl fast. He learned he can control his tounge and make different noises - so darling! He knows how to climb the stairs, but doesn't get much chances to because we don't want to encourage it exactly because he can't go down yet. We got on state papers so at least now even if Mike doesn't have insurance, Lucas and I do. That's important. Let's see... He's always been a happy baby, never too clingy to us, so he smiles and goes to anyone. Still sleeps through the night, sometimes fights his naps but who can blame him! We finally got him on a good bedtime again after Christmas. He now goes to bed at 10pm and wakes between 8-10am. But then he eats and takes another nap.

Mike:
Has cut down smoking... I'm not sure if it was because I got sick or what, but his cigars just really began to give me the worst headache ever! And it finally got to a point where in the evening if he went outside, I had to leave the room totally until it went away which, was basicly all night. And after he realized how much it was hurting me and that I was sticking to it, he began to cut down even more. To maybe a few drags a night (at one time). So that, has been a relief! And it's not like I'm only doing this for me, but for him to play his PS3 and us to save money, be heathier, etc. So I've been much happier. And lately he hasn't been gaming as much, so that's been nice. Since Lucas is more fun to really play with, chasing, etc. Mike's been playing more with him and being around us. Occassionally there's times where I just struggle with this thing called marriage, but, I think knowing that we're married keeps my thoughts collective. I don't know if I could do this any longer not being married. So that's a blessing. Life together with child, etc. was truly made for marriage, to be together as partners and know we're in it together! God does know best! But Mike still finds it difficult - or too comfortable to get out of bed on Sundays to go to church. This has really hurt my spirit and instead of being stubborn and going without him, I'm just depressed and dont go. Later regretting it, knowing I had the chance. Being sick hasn't helped either. So yeah... Talked to his mom about it and she said "just go without him, he will follow later." I hope so. I pray about it.

So that's the update. I finally booked a doctor's visit for the pregnancy but the one tomorrow is just to get a family history, etc. I should be turning 15 weeks this week, not sure what day, but I'm excited. I'm tempted to get this product to tell what the sex is earlier - pretty effective but it's like $30 and I just don't have that money right now. We got to handle our money better, I'd rather do other things with that. So I guess I'll wait like 5-6 more weeks until an ultrasound! So excited! And this weather - Yes! Loved the sunshine (besides today) and it's melted snow and ice and yay!!! no more winter coat (for now!).