Today is a special day for a lot of people, Veterans Day, and though I do respect the fallen and those who are serving currently or have served... This day means a bit more to me. Closer to home. Ten years ago my brother passed away, I've written about this and accepted this realitiy, but years ago I couldn't. Today is his birthday. He would have been 17 years old. It's hard to imagine how my life would be... Would I have married? Would I have had Lucas? Met Mike? Met my half-brother Steve and his family? Where and who would I be? Just questions, none that I really think about, because it really doesn't matter. That wasn't God's plan.
Yesterday we got the keys to our house. So exciting. There's some major things that need to be cleaned up before we move in with our lil guy. We started moving our things in though today so that we can get this apartment cleaned up for the next person. We have to be out of here before the 31st. It's so weird because this has been "home" for the last year. And to think that we'll be growing a family in that home for at least 15 years... crazy thought. But sooo exciting!
So a year ago on my birthday I received a myspace message, a creepy one, from someone who knew things about me. I figured it was an ex so someone who just really hated me. That harassment stopped until today. When they actually emailed me this time. I thought I knew where it came from, but now I'm not too sure. They knew even more, have seen pictures or maybe been in my face a time or two or who knows a time or two in a week, ever week. I expressed this message to Mike, I'd been upfront with him the last time since the writer said they'd send him a note, doing the same thing in this one, and he just said "don't read it, delete it right now." It was hard, because I wanted to read it so bad, I'm not sure why... why do we like to hurt ourselves or subject ourselves to hurt? Mike just doesn't want to get into it... but I'm really hurt by this. I deleted half of my facebook messages, untagged most photos that were from on other profiles (too bad I can't delete the photos myself)... I just, don't feel like I can trust anyone right now. It hurts and what I did read it hurt... I have nothing to hide from Mike or any one else... I don't understand why they are doing this... But I guess I need to tone down my appearance on the outside world and possibly online (as I write this) . I'm going to change everything, once again... Just hurts that someone really hates me that much, which I guess is exactly what they want me to feel. Why do I let them win this over in my heart?
So that's what's on my heart tonight... and Mike doesn't really get how much it really bothers me... He just doesn't want to bring up the past. That's understandable...and I thank him for trying to protect me and not want me to read that... but... that's just not enough. I suppose I should just pray about it.
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