I Don't Want To Fight This War {March 28, 2010}

Yesterday he said my eyes
Were fading fast away
I said well what do you expect
You asked me not to stay
and if it had all been for the best
I wouldn't feel this way
And he said

Oh he said it's crazy
How love stays with me, yeah
You know it hurts me
Cause I don't wanna fight this war
It's amazing
to see me reading through this scene of love and fear
and apologies
{{Apologies - Grace Potter & The Nocturnals}}

This song has meant so much to me and gotten me through so much in the last year and a half with Mike. The second verse was more relvent last time I was pregnant with Lucas for the fact that Mike had to go outside to smoke when it was so cold and the smoke bothered me and we fought about it all the time... The smoking issue hadn't been an issue until today I find out it's becoming one again. Instead of cigars, it's cigarettes again only this time... I just don't care anymore. It hurts, so much to say that. I had guessed he went back, but I guess I just put myself in denial or maybe even put a little more faith in him. I thought he was cutting down... He says he doesn't know what it's like to handle stress without them, and with working and me getting on him and for a week his hernea stitches had been hurting him (news to me today) - he just can't do it without. Granite, I didn't smoke as much for how ever long - but I have those desires too. Like drinking and smoking... Only I've chosen to stop for someone I love. It's a choice to be pregnant and not to smoke or drink, and this time, honestly, I could probably smoke throughout but I just can't do that to the baby. That's not me, that's not my heart... Anyway.. Point is, is that I have stress too and I have less 'outs' for myself to handle that stress the way it's easy than he does. I can't even take a drive and jam out or just relax. Anyway, that's not even the point of this rant. Just have felt like a fool for this 'I'll quit smoking" act.

But most recently we were in an arguement, or - well, I was mad at him for sleeping in til 4pm and along with a few other things on my mind, I made the comment that he was being childish and stubborn. He said to that, "well if you don't like it than you can find somewhere else to sleep tonight." Me, hurt and stubborn and lost... Said okay, went to work, came home - got Lucas and went to Anna's. Mike said Lucas was welcome to stay and didn't need to go and was about to argue with it... but seriously, what's gonna happen to Lucas in the morning-or afternoon, when Mike wont wake up to his crying... or his alarm...? Anyway... I should have never took that step to leave, Mike should have been... and discussing that little detail tonight, turns out he'll never leave his house for that reason... and that normally he wouldn't sleep on the couch either but he'll "give me that one." So leaving for me - I knew we'd be okay again - but I knew it could be a problem start in my heart. I still have love, but I just get soo tired of this and him sleeping in or playing games all day or just his stubbornness. I just am getting so depressed with all that - nothing else. Along with realizing some of our raising techniques are different - or on different timing, it's just hard. I guess I'm always telling him to do stuff, when I hardly ask anything from him at all.

There was just so much discussed today that I'm pretty sure it didn't all click in there for him. One subject would lead here or there and never stay on track. One thing did stick I know and that was "you are sleeping on the couch tonight, if not a week." I just freaked on him basicly all the reasons not to have sex... but I still do despite all the 'woman reasons'. Like not feeling togetherness and getting My needs. The way he treats it sometimes is just so unromantic that I'd rather clean toilets. Stuff like that... My needs as a woman aren't being met but I still try to give him his. He says I need to tell him but I do he just doesn't listen to the actual words. One arguement he had was "what can you tolerate about me?" I had to think about it... because he wasn't asking what he did... he was asking about who he was. And that brought me to realize that I love him as a person, it's just like after a few months of being engaged (around pregnancy time), he just quit doing things. Like learning about me or trying, quit asking questions, etc. Wasn't courting me - I guess you'd put it, anymore. And that's okay, understandable... But then I realized he wasn't helping me when I would try to learn about him in these months... Gosh, I had no clue about his herna hurting. He tells people things right in front of me that seem important to know without even talking to me first about it... It's just hard to think it's only been 6 month of marriage and that I just kinda blew up and I feel like it'll happen again someday, even in the next 6 months, and this is our life. This is the beginning... And even talking to a Christian friend about her husband troubles about him not going to church and being a loner - she thinks kids might help but I really don't believe it will. It's not for me to say, though. My love has grown for Mike because of Lucas, but if anything has made our relationship complicated, even being married.

Despite all these things, I still have so much love for Mike because I love who he is as a person, just not what he does and his stubbornness. It's just hard he doesn't apply these fights and I'm just tired of fighting this. It doesn't even feel i have a partner sometimes, which is hard when you know your bound to someone.

---

So on another note... Lucas bumped his head or something tonight and his lip bled, I hate to see that, hurts me so much. He's beginning to stand for 15-30 seconds by himself. I love to see that but then it's like "no, get on your knees and crawl!" He just amazes me every day and my love just grows and grows...

Speaking of growing, I began feeling the baby butterflies a couple weeks ago and now at almost 18 weeks I am feeling the baby move. I've missed this feeling, best part of being pregnant. I have my ultrasound April 6th, and we're finding out the sex this time -- I'm soo excited! I'm looking past the "I kinda want a boy because I know what to expect" because I'm really beginning to think its a girl. I've had dreams from early pregnancy it's a girl and the heart rate on Friday was a stead 150 not to mention the wives tails of I crave sweets all the time and I had more morning sickness than last time and if I go by the chinese birth calendar I'm supposed to have a girl this year - haha! So. LOL. It's hard to imagine that I'll love anything more/the same than the moment I saw Lucas... but I told my mom that and she said she felt the same way and she said "trust me, you can. I did." So, can't wait to feel like that again because that was an amazing feeling!!!!

I have been working hard on getting my scrapbook done of "the Paige Journey" I started with our engagement, the summer, and then ultrasounds, belly pics, Lucas' birth - that's all I'm up to now but that's a lot of work! Cutting out pictures and posting them then the writing... I'm enjoying it. I've missed doing it and wish I'd done it earlier but I think I'll keep up on it now because it's already something I know I'll look back on from time to time instead of looking at pictures on my computer. Something about seeing it, hard copy, with all the cute notes, stories and stickers. plus, it'll be all ready by the time baby #2 comes! I think I printed more than 200 pictures off the other day -- that's a lot! and I plan for 90% of those to go in the book! I had a problem finding my old scrapbook book for sale in the stores so I bought two -- at this rate - I should have bought more! So hopefully I'll find them or they'll be in stock! I like it on black paper - not sure why -- maybe because I need those cool pens to write on it and what not.

Well... that was a stress reliever. I really don't like the idea of posting online anymore... but I know if I didn't, I'd never write on it again. I don't write by hand... wish I did, and have tried but just didn't keep up with it - not like I used to. Heck, I'm lucky to have one entry on this a month. That and I'm sometimes unsure if my emotions are just in the way... Like a week or so ago - I was just mad at the world or something. I wasn't mad at Mike but I wasn't being nice and I just told him that it wasn't personal and it was best to just let me be and do what he wanted. He respected that I knew the difference between my hormones and feelings, etc. So that's good.. in a sense of knowing that - not the fact my hormones were Mrs. Witch.

Oh yeah, I might have to quit my serving job because last Thursday I told my boss that I work with, Ryan, to not put me upstairs for the Saturday night shift (just incase we're busy and well... my back hurts too much) and what do you know, I get stuck upstairs because he doesn't care about his job anymore. I was about to walk out!!! I was soo mad. But, I knew there had to be a reason for him to be that way and had it gotten busy I'm sure someone would have helped me or we would have figured it out or something... So I waited... He didn't come to me, so I went to him and I told him I had thought about walking out and then he started to relay that he hated the job and just was hurt by what had been said about him or something, etc. So I'm glad I didn't walk out - not only for my own reasons having never done that before and on good status with all my past jobs - but because that would have been more stress on him, etc. I like my job there, I don't want to leave but if he's going to be like that as a manager - then I'm outta there. I don't need that. Not going to put my health on the line because the managers can't pull there crap together and get along and do their job right.

K, soo, it's late and I should start watching House Season 1 which was my intention of bringing up Mike's laptop - not to write on this but today just got to me.
I pray I get the feeling to start caring again, or have a reason to - about Mike at least... Everything else is great.
Goodnight world.