Music: Thinking Out Loud by Lesley Roy
Things are still getting better. Communication hasn't been such of a problem and even when it is, I truly try to either shrug it off or communicate that I need more to not feel a certain bad way. Though when I do this either something may get changed, I might get a shrug, or not even get a response. This is frustrating - sometimes even when I get things I want.
I'm trying to be a better wife, more understanding, more less demanding, not overly emotional (which is hard when you're pregnant), just all these things that I didn't realize before that I did or even some of the things I knew I did but didn't care enough to change... I try to give him what he needs. His space, his time to himself after a hard days of work, to not ask too much of him, sex and respect.
But when it comes to me... Like, I know that even if I give him what he needs as a man, that doesn't mean I get what I need in return. And lets face it... Between the time you meet and the time you get married to the time where you die - you change. Whether it's parts about yourself or even sometimes your beliefs or needs or wants... You change. I've accepted this, or tried to, about things with Mike and I've certainly seen changes in him and had to adapt to them. But when it comes to me - sometimes it's like all he looks at is what I wanted in the past or what I'd settle for. Doesn't go too far past the expectation line (in which I've lowered just to stop being so disappointed). But what about my needs... And even the embarrassment to express that they've changed - even after all we've been through. I think I ask too much when I tell him that I need to be communicated with in different ways or that I like different things than I had before. I know he knows i've changed - he just doesn't apply it to his part. This is soo frustrating to tell him that he needs to listen to me closely because time and time again I do tell him but he forgets the next time and it's just useless it feels sometimes. Like if I'm not worth quitting smoking for, then why listen, why do simple things I ask..?
These are just thoughts thought out loud - I don't freak out on him anymore - or at least not as much. I'm just letting go of soo much and sometimes it just breaks my heart. But to be honest - it's hurting less and less because I'm becoming so used to feeling this way... It's like, we went to that marriage conference, but did he hear anything from it? The stuff that applied to our problems... is he trying to fix that? I am, my problem had been and even is still sometimes sex. After Lucas - I didn't / don't want to be touched but I know for us to work better we need to be close but is it too much to ask for extra things that might help that transition go better for me... When I get denied that - just because he's 'uncomfortable with talking at the time' - it's an automatic turn off in which if I do just stop all things that have been progressed right then and there he gets mad but if I go through with it I'm not actually there and I feel like crap. I'd be fooling myself if I said he didn't feel something was "off" during all that... At least... I hope I'm fooling myself when I say that. I cannot be the only woman who feels like this. Or mom, or wife... I know it and I know we can get past it if we work at it together it's just a factor of getting him to work with me. But if he doesn't... I can just see myself slipping away - not out of his arms or in anyone elses but surely not in his arms. I thought long and hard about marriage and still have no desire or thought of divorce - I'm in it for the long haul... I'm just simply admiting to myself some days that he can't make me happy and so I just gotta make myself happy. Only problem with that - I know where that road leads and it's not a happy one or one that I want my marriage to go down.
On another note. Lucas is learning soo much. He's kinda given up on the whole walking thing - there for a while he'd try to stand on his own, etc. but now he just either stands on his own or moves across things but I don't see him walking until maybe 1 year or older. He is a fanastic eater, a clean one at that, most the time. He's a cuddler - I love it when he's tired. Him and I sing in the car, more so me when hes upset to calm him down. He likes to get our attention when we're watching tv - and will do something he's not supposed to to get our attention. Usually works. He knows the word "look" and responds to it - love it. Still loves his cherrios.
The pregnancy is still going good. Feeling the baby move a lot more and a few days ago Mike was able to actually feel my belly move. He hasn't taken too much interest in me or the pregnancy, so him saying that he actually felt it and it was cool - meant a lot to me. We notice things like that... When something should happen and it doesn't... Anyway. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday - I'm not sure what for exactly but maybe she'll say the doctor wants another ultrasound later in the preganncy to check on the low placenta. Hopefully! I want another look at my baby (for gender and heck, it's cool just seein' it anyway).
Well. There are my thoughts. A bit out loud.
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