Wonder Of It All {December 13, 2009}

Currently Listening To: Wonder of it All - Monday Morning
Current Mood: Content

I've tried lately to keep a clear mind; more positive. God's blessed me with a clear mind that we'll be okay when it comes to money and the next couple months. Mike got laid off from his job on Friday. We saw it coming with recent events. His boss said that he would be hired back if he hadn't found a job by the time they were hiring back. It upsets me that the lay off people right before Christmas - what news!? But really what time is a good time? I guess at least now we'll get the house more in order - there are still boxes upstairs, but downstairs is getting a bit settled.

We're supposed to stop smoking by tonight... Don't think that'll happen. It's hard not to smoke when Mike continues. I really feel horrible when I say I will and then I believe that we'll quit soon and then we don't. Or something comes up and Mike is just so stubborn that he says he's smoking and I just go along with it. What else am I supposed to do? I suppose I should just follow through with what I need to do and pray that he follows. But that really didn't work for me after I got pregnant. I really wish I hadn't started smoking. We'd save a lot of money not smoking... And we got Mike's Christmas Present with the deal that we'd stop smoking and put that money towards savings. Disappointment - but mostly in myself.

That's usually what it all leads down to. My disappointment in Mike leads to more disappointment in myself. In the factor that I can't help him the way he needs help, even if I try to be patient. Comments that have been made of "Lucas you wouldn't get sick if you're mommy was still breastfeeding." That just hurt and I really wanted to lash out but I didn't. I just don't want to fight. I've accepted that I've done all I can, it's just that it hangs on my shoulders sometimes and I just want it to stop. I've already tried explaining and asking to stop - what more can I do about that? I will probably do things a little bit different next kid around with feeding it but I did 6 months and my body just stopped so.... that's the end of that story. But then there's disappointment of my expectations of Mike or plans for the day that don't get fulfilled. It's hard staying at home and I get subconsciously excited when I'm told there's more in store tomorrow. Is that wrong? I'm not sure how others do it, but then again, I'm not sure how working moms can do their busy lives, etc. I am very grateful that my husband lets me stay at home while he works... And I do have high expectations that I've tried to lower. Sometimes it's better to just leave the house when Mike sleeps in. My mom even told me to give him a break because of the stress of being laid off. I should listen but even when I do, my heart is restless.

For my birthday my dad got me a new music deck for my car and when Mike started to put it in it didn't work and started messing up my electrical work in my car. I've had problems with my Chrystler whether it be the locks or fixing my car (it's just soo complicated and difficult!). So my inner lights don't work (my dash does) and my auto locks don't work along with a few other things. Tonight though my car locked us out of the car, despite we had the keys to unlock it. We tried for a good time to break into my car (short of breaking a window or ruining my car). So most likely tomorrow we'll have to spend $40-80 on a locksmith. Great.

I want a puppy, because their cute LOL. But with a baby and kids over on top of it's a pet that will have to be let out when we're gone... Lots of responsibility and I've got enough of my leash. But they are soo cute... And there's always the unfairness that I explained to Mike that I'd rather never have a dog to never have a cat. So... yeah. I'm not bowing down to that, even no matter how cute this one puppy is I want. Got to stand my ground now.

About that whole hate mail thing... My mom and I were talking about it and I'm beginning to think it was someone who I just went out with Friday night. We had a fun time and everything, but she was pretty bitter to me at the time that email was sent and it was some things about she'd know well about. I thought I knew who it might had been and I narrowed it down but... what if? I don't even want to go to approching her about it even if she knows about it and was explained to her... but.. What do I do? I don't see her that much anymore but... Whatever, they were bluffing and just trying to make me feel as miserable as they are. Just bothers me on who it could had been.

I don't believe Mike liked my video... Or understood it? But everyone else seemed to like it. It was for me anyway so I don't mind.

So I believe my mom is coming early on Christmas to open presents at my house. Maybe Mike's parents will come?? I should ask them, that would be nice. Not that Lucas has tons of presents but it's more about just being there for his first Christmas. I can't believe he's going to be 7 months! But then we're going to Mike's cousin's house for Christmas with his grandparents and everyone and that should be nice. Cant wait to see their house, I saw it last year when they first started building it. Then we might go to my moms and watch a movie. That's our Christmas. Maybe Christmas Eve with Mike's parents and later my dad.

Lucas' hair is getting darker - it's so strange how I don't notice these things change until someone else notices or I look back on pictures. He's stilling by himself upright pretty well, but doesn't always know his boundries to falling forward or back. He's such a happy baby, even when he's sick. He's recovering though, it's been about half a month. I'm still recovering from my cold too. He's learned to lay on his belly and turn himself. He can move around back and forth in his walker. I am so blessed.

This song by Monday Morning called "Wonder Of It All (Next Year)" is so inspiring. I heard it a couple years ago and just fell in love. I wish I could make a video of it if I had footage of it. Maybe I'll specificlly make something for it. It really starts to question some things in life but comes to realize that "I'm still nothing without You". And truly I am nothing without God and it's amazing how far he's brought me. Who will I be next year? And looking back at last year and who I was... About this time I was still fighting with Mike and questioning if we were going to be together in a year or even in months. A lot of hurt and anger I had to let go after that time. Look where we are now though and I'm so glad I got rid of that anger.

"And the wonder of it all, is that I'm still standing. And the wonder of it all is we're still standing. Never planned it. And I wonder - where I'll be next year."