Felt pretty dark lately. I believe their just mood swings, though it's weird, I feel like I've felt like this before. Not sure if I feel paranoid or angry or bitter or hurt or numb. The feeling will just hit me and I try to be happier and surround myself with my son or Mike but... not sure.
Quitting smoking and having Mike around all week will be hard. Just today as we were working on a Christmas gift - he'd be short tempered as was I and then I got short tempered with him and then it just didn't go very well. It's so easy to do things the easier way then the harder way and accomplish a goal or whatever you're doing. So disappointed in myself because I didn't want to put up with us on each others heals today so I just said go get more cigarettes and then we smoked like a whole pack in less than 17 hours. It's been a long time since we've done that but I just wish I was stronger and more stubborn in the way that I just wont smoke if he does and not stubborn in the way that if he smokes I feel the need to smoke or it's not fair. That's just childish. But I also wish that he would be the leader in our relationship and just say 'no' or step up when it comes to this. But again, I feel I should be able to do that anyway so I can't be mad at him for that.
Went to visit my dad tonight - that was nice. They got to see Lucas and they are always happy to see him. He's gotten big in the last month and I wish they saw him more like the other grandparents do.
it's super cold outside. I don't like it I wish it were warmer here. There's a lot to be done, plus watching the kids the rest of the week.
Love my boys!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment