Last night I spent most of it editing this video that I cut the audio down that's called "Flowers for a Ghost" by Thriving Ivory. The lyrics... "I'm Only Human" I loved the song and originally heard the song from another video that just made me cry so I decided to make my own. I haven't been video blogging in a long time - the move to the house was one thing and my piece of mind didn't help either in the aspect that I may say something that might hurt someone ultimately hurting myself emotionally which is where I already was. So this video is videos of myself over the last 2 years from blogs and other videos. Some may say that it's self obsorbed - which, yeah, it is... but it also reminds me of each vlog that I posted and how I felt and where it got me to where I am today. I miss editing - thinking of how to put things together to music that can make someone think about their lives or situation, etc. This video makes me stronger surprisingly to what a video like it may had made me weaker and look in the past and dwell in it. I used black and white to display 2007, the toughest and stupidest year of my life. Most of those clips are of me smiling... but truly I wasn't happy and I know that and in knowing that, those smiles don't mean much to me at all. It's amazing how a person can be so miserable and either not know it or don't care enough to change whatever they're doing or whatever they are searching for - like I didn't. But as the video goes on it shows that I get happier, pregnant, and though some days were hard for me while I was pregnant - at the end of the video I am truly happy and finally found what I'd been searching for all along. One thing not in there is my relationship with God and since Mike isn't a video person or doesn't tape me or take pictures... I have to deal with what I got and the randomness of making this video it's not like I shot it myself. This video isn't for anyone but really myself, for me to look back and see how far I've come and just the pure enjoyment of editing.
Lately, with that hate mail and a few friends that I've strayed from - there's this pattern of people thinking that I'm full of myself. How can I be? Most nights I lay in bed and tell Mike that I'm somehow unhappy with myself (not with my life but with me). I don't understand this about myself which makes me more upset because my life is sooo easy and full of love and support; but as I've mentioned before I just need to find myself in the roles that I've come to take on this year. I am pleased that I don't use bad habits in the times that I'm hurting to get rid of the pain or hide it. Infact, I usually just take on the problem or whatever it is head on and just be stubborn - but then usually I feel alone. Anyway, it's all a circle there - like I said, just still figuring it out. Maybe I'll find it in another song or something.
I did agree to watch my friend's kids daily. We'll go to their place around 6am (ohh that is early to be carting a baby around for a stay-at-home mom!) and then get Austin on his school bus. Then around 11am I'll take Riley to day care (because Heather wants him around other kids since he's sooo shy and will feel comfortable at school once he comes of that age). They are good kids but, kids are kids and I'm new to being a mom. Mike is a little bit better when it comes to discipline and being strict when he needs to be. Though I'm sure when Lucas gets older and I have to do that maybe on a more regular basis I will feel more comfortable. HAHA.
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