Every Now & Then {December 30, 09}

Every now and then I get
a little wrapped up in myself
and I...
I can't see you reaching
Every now and then I get
a little overwhelmed by the world
and I can't hear you calling
Every now and then I get
a little tired of my reflection
and I want to break the mirror
And every now and then I get
blinded by my own perception
and I need to see you clearer.

Sometimes it seems as if right when I make things right and I feel like I'm doing okay, someone - anyone, comes and says that I just fail them and I let myself go back down. I never used to be this way, never used to be able to cry (and that's not such a bad thing, in cleanses us when we cry), never used to maybe care that much... But it brings me down so much that I feel like I just got to stop living what I love to adapt and make people happy. Sometimes when it's Mike, I just want to stop caring what I care about. When it's inlaws, I just feel like I have to neal to their wants and not take a stand for what I want or what I feel what's best for my family. When it's my mom, I just don't know what to do with anything. And I just feel so vaurnable and yet so numb.

My mom hung up on me yesterday when I just mentioned that I was with family. So today I call her and she has an attitude and I tried being the adult one and actually ask her what I did wrong. She was hurt by the video I posted of Lucas' first Christmas. She said there was my dad, Mike's family - but non of her. I guess what she didn't know was there were two parts - youtube cut my video into two. I can't control that, and obviously I couldn't control that she was last in line to see us on Christmas. Which I knew would bother her and it hurt me as well, but it turned out a good day and I just don't know what to say to that. Videos on youtube or facebook comments (from me or others) have caused more trouble in my life than just about anything else. Granite, I don't love facebook, but I love posting videos of Lucas and video editing. So, my heart is aching and I just want it all to stop. So I'm thinking just to shut down youtube and or make videos for myself or just none at all. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and that also hurts me. This way I feel and what I've been taught to be. To stand up and be my own person... and after having the baby and getting married I just seem to push myself into a corner when it comes to people being disappointed in me. It's things like this that used to make me feel to go out and forget it all.

And on that note, I have this idea for a video... but I'd need to get out. Mike is supportive of my editing and only shown some interest in what I actually make. He doesn't want too much part in my life when it comes to editing; which makes me sad because I love to edit my own life - not word by word, but some type of music video. So what else am I to do to get that footage? I wish I felt like I was before when I didn't care and I'd go anywhere for what I wanted to film. I love my life but sometimes I wonder what I would have made my life if I'd just gone to Florida. Just a thought... I love my little boy and I love my husband. Had it not been for Lucas I may have not married as soon, not been so sure of things, and may have gone to Florida. I'm not exactly complaining what my life has turned out to be or will be, and I know my dreams aren't dead - but they are put on hold and seems like I'll never be able to get where I want... But my 1st and ultimate dream is my children. I know with all confidence.

I need to go get pictures done of Lucas. Mike doesn't care too much so I'll have to do it. It's really all I wanted out of Christmas, is a picture of Mike, lucas and I and to make a greeting card. I've almost given up on all of that... it wasn't out of selfishness but to send to our families because I don't get out much to get pictures developed to send to Grandparents, etc. I just have to do it my own.

My car needs fixed and it's getting colder by the day. My grandfather and his friend knew my car wheel was broke and when they first found out the came straight over to the house and fixed it. Mike - no, I ask him to do it and he says 'alright.' I come home and he's playing video games and says it's too cold. Well yea but are you going to leave it like that all winter? Cause it's going to be cold all winter... I just walked up to the house from a good day with family and I just hurt and got a bit angry. These games are just getting on my nerves. I feel I can't ask anything of him sometimes without him making an excuse or busy with a game. "Can you take him, my stomach hurts." - yeah, well mine does too but I don't try to tell you, I just try to politely ask you and somewhat expect you to help me without an excuse.... That's how it feels most the time. Excuses and Complaining. I do most of what I am asked without a thought of anything. I do sometimes, no lying there, but I'm used to it. Sometimes I just let Lucas be if he needs something until Mike feels like he Needs to do it. I dont mind though, I do that just about every day. I know it's not a 50/50 relationship and I like that... but it's not like Mike gives his 100% either as I do try to. He's just a game man... and yes, sometimes Mike surprises me and it makes me happy... But the words "always" and "never" sometimes hang in my hurt. That's just human I guess. We are to be working on being like Christ.

Every now and then
you whisper peace to me
with your tender words
unexpectedly
When I'm at the end
and taking my last breath
and drowning in my pride
I got nothing left.
Oh and I can see you
coming around the bend
Yeah, you're taking me
to that place again.
Every now and then...

FFH